I am assisting a friend who is at wits-end with her 95 year old mother and looking for full-time in-home care provider.

My friend recently moved her mother into her own home. My friend works full-time and comes home every day to cook for her husband, son and mom, and manages all of the relationship and stress in the home. My friend's mom is developing dementia and needs to be watched throughout the day. The husband takes care of her during the day, and this causes additional stress in the home.

My friend can either:

a) keep mom in her family's home and go more crazy,

(b) move mom back to her own home an hour away with a full-time care provider, or

(c) arrange for her to move into a managed care facility which will break her heart and "kill mom's spirit".

My own grandmother is 108, lives in NJ, and about 5 years ago we began paying (thank God, from Gramma's retirement account) for a full-time live-in care provider. It seems that in the NJ market, the Russian and Filipino immigrant community are strong in this field of home care. We pay a Russian woman about $4500 per month plus grocery costs to live with Gramma 24/7, 7 days a week, and we take turns giving her a break when needed.

I am looking for someone in the Boston (metro-west area) area to move in full-time with my friend's mother. I would love to hear any feedback or suggestions.



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This question is very interesting. Your friend is in no position to care for her mom. She already has a full time job. So her husband helps out, which is nice but unfair to him.

Caregiving is often a full time position. Until recently I did it with my own mother and it wasn’t as hard in the beginning because my mom wasn’t as dependent on me as in later years.

It never becomes easier. It does get harder. I would not do it again. Why not? Several reasons actually, not always in the best interest of the person being cared for, not good for the adult child/parent relationship, not good for the marriage or family members involved, not good financially for some, no more privacy, no vacations, lack of sleep due to caregiving at night, challenging care for an elderly person’s specific needs, etc.

As far as moving away from home, people move all the time. They adjust. My own mom didn’t have a choice about moving out of her home. Her home was destroyed in Hurricane Katrina, nine feet of water.

That is how she ended up living with me. I wish I would have had the insight for the living arrangement to be a temporary one and had found her another place to reside. It truly would have been for the best.

I realize some situations work out where parents live with children. They still have their challenges. Some children move in with their parents as well.

Caring for parents is challenging all around. I wish your friend well. You are kind to help her. I would as a friend bring up the possibility of a facility where there is 24/7 365 care.
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Why on earth does anyone think that moving to AL will "kill their spirit"?

Move her sooner rather than later. She will adjust better if she can still socialize a bit with others.
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I’m not sure what your friends mothers financial situation is but you may find it’s even more expensive to get full time live in care n the Boston area. You might check local schools that have nursing and or PT programs though, depending on how much and what type of care she needs an arrangement like that might work and be less expensive. I would encourage your friend to go visit some independent living, assisted living and managed care facilities though, There are likely a wide variety and selection available in that area and they may be pleasantly surprised at the options they find. The right situation might light up mom’s spirit rather than “kill” it especially if there is some money to spend on it. It doesn’t do any harm to explore the options, no commitment just information and she might find it’s a better option than live in care, or I idea by family or hired caregivers and her mom might too. But without all of the information and clear options in front of them they are making this plan and decision much harder on themselves. I don’t live in the area or have actual experience with the care available there so can’t help you with that but that’s what I would encourage her to do.
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