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I got a phone call last night from my dad's assisted living informing me that a nurse had observed him and another resident having consensual sex when the nurse stopped by his apartment on her rounds. I was very uncertain how to respond. I confirmed that it was consensual and then said "Well, at over 100 years old I'm just glad that he's able to have sex and enjoy himself." The nurse was quite taken aback and then I asked if there was something she expected me to do. She said no, that they were just obligated to tell me. My question is should I be concerned (I don't think so) or should I talk about this with my father (I don't think so) or what do I do with this information besides try to put the picture out of my mind?

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WHAT???

Everyone knows their parents have never had sex! 😉

Good for Dad, I say. Tell the nurse you don't discuss your sex life with him and prefer not to discuss his with him.

You might tell him to put a sock on the door handle, though. That's the internationally accepted warning to dorm roommates.
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Reply to MJ1929
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I wouldn’t mention or do anything. Glad they’re both experiencing some joy so late in life
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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All a-ok if it's consensual in my book. It's Assisted Living, not a prison.

Your response to the nurse was perfect.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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Lol! This made me laugh. With this being consensual I say go Dad go!
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Reply to Crazysue
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The Hebrew Home in Riverdale made a policy saying it's the residents' business starting in the 1990s and since updated. Said policy is here: https://ltcombudsman.org/uploads/files/issues/Sexual_Expression_PP-Hebrew_Home.pdf

Around that time, one of my SO's friends mom's went into a NH/ALF and had multiple BFs and was "boffing (I won't use the word that was used) up a storm."

I'm like, be happy for her! She was widowed already. And she remains an adult. If they want to do adult activities there should be a do not disturb sign on their door and the nurses should just shut up about it.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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jkm999 Nov 19, 2021
Thanks for the link to the policy from the Hebrew Home. I'm going to keep a copy of that in case his Assisted Living has additional questions/concerns. I told them I had no intention to discuss it with him and they were fine with that; they will just 'keep and eye on things' and keep me informed. (I could do without the keeping me informed part!)
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If your father was informed upon move in that " his apartment was his - he could have overnight guests ", then WHY are they calling YOU if/when he has a guest in his apartment???????? I feel like it's the CYA principle at work and nothing more. If the nurse is going to be judgmental to boot that you didn't have a cow upon learning your father is sexually active, I'd tell her not to worry unless it's HER he's having sex with ffs!

At 100+ years old, who cares about STD's? That's another matter between your father and the woman or women he's having sex with whether THEY want to be tested for diseases! I'm all for treating adults like adults and keeping private matters private. That's what I'd tell the nurse the next time she calls you, too.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I would question the AL as to why they need to keep an eye on it.

I think that crosses lines when they know it is 2 consenting adults. Maybe they need reminding that they still have all of their personal rights and freedoms until a judge declares them incompetent, because that is the only way an adult American citizen loses their autonomy, besides being incarcerated and that's still a judge making the decision.

I would tell them to leave them alone and let them have their dignity.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Katefalc Nov 23, 2021
Just to add a side note, the nurses and staff should be knocking on doors before entering ANY patient ROOM , even in a hospital this is a rule. It is considered abuse to just walk into a patients room unannounced.
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Good for your father.
Here's what you do with this information the nurse told you.
Absolutely nothing. It's none of your business. The same as it's none of your father's business how you get down.
The nurse should not have been taken aback by your response. Your father is old not dead.
As for STD's these people are in assisted living. Who are they meeting and sleeping with outside of the AL? I wouldn't worry.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Well...what an odd question to have read first thing this am.

If the AL is OK with the residents, um, 'hooking up', and it is consensual, I guess I would just try to forget the image and 'maybe' talk to dad. Although that is not a conversation I'd know how to handle.

Is your dad and the other person (I can only assume it was a woman, but you never know..) lucid enough to make these decisions? Her family may not have the same outlook that you do. That would be my only concern.

I imagine the nurse has 'seen it all' so to speak, but at least she called you. Bet you didn't sleep well after that.

(I have heard that the rate of STD's in these places is really quite high, so this isn't all that unusual).
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Reply to Midkid58
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jkm999 Nov 19, 2021
I know it's not the normal concern of those of us on this forum!

My dad is over 100 and, although has limited short-term memory, is capable of making decisions in the moment. When he moved into this Assisted Living they were very clear that his apartment was his - he could have overnight guests (he had a long term 'girl'friend that he traveled with and I know they spent nights in each other's home). I've always known that he was considered quite the 'catch' amongst the women who live at the Assisted Living and that he currently has a resident girlfriend so I guess I wasn't as surprised as I could have been! I did confirm it was consensual so I imagine that they may have contacted the other family before they called me. It was just something I didn't need to hear as I was preparing to go to bed!
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I would only ask the facility to check him for sexually transmitted diseases as part of his routine care.
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