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My mom was in an assisted living since Dec. There were a couple residents who wandered into other's rooms. I witnessed this many times. It was disruptive to residents and agitating to my mom. It caused altercations with my mom and a male resident who wandered. It's a small facility with only 45 residents. The owner blamed my mother for reacting poorly and the aides would constantly write up incident reports that were faxed to the NYS Dept of Health. About a month ago I received 2 reports about another male resident who grabbed my mom and made out with her and had his arms around her and was touching her breast. For some reason owner told me these were not reportable incidents and he wasn't defending my mom because she didn't resist. My mom is 83 with dementia and 5'2" with arthritic hands. Their solution was to tell my mom and this much younger, large male resident to do this is in private and not in front of other residents. I told them I don't want my mom doing anything in private with this resident and to keep them apart! Needless to say I flipped out and moved her within a week. She is in a different facility now but her room is very small and it is shared with a resident who has been there for a while. The rooms are not the same size, some rooms are almost triple size of my mom's room and price is the same. There are 2 chairs in my mom's room, one a big comfy chair and the other a regular wooden, hard, table chair. The roommate comes back to the room around 6:30 after dinner and since she can't walk well, she gets the chair and the tv remote and watches what she wants. I was watching a movie with my mom at that time yesterday and aide brought resident in and resident told us to put on channel 7 and we left the room because of it. I've asked several times for a chair for my mom and haven't seen it happen yet. I'm getting very stressed and frustrated over it. I can't afford a room for my mom alone and don't think this situation is fair. Also, the roommates son visits her every night and he doesn't get there until 8-8:30pm, which I find really unnacceptable. Before my mom moved in they told me her roommates son visits so she isn't in the room until later at night, which is basically a lie. So my mom has to wait to go to sleep until her son leaves. Maybe this sounds irrational on my part, I'm dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety due to caretaking my mom, moving her, selling her home, etc. My mom also took all the clothes out of the dresser and put them in a plastic bag in her closet that she has tied up in knots. She is wearing the same socks and underwear and I never see any laundry in her laundry basket because she hangs her dirty clothes back up in the closet and no one is noticing. I've spoken to the manager 3 times about this and I don't know what else to do at this point because I know I'm going to sound like a crazy person if I have to ask her again to have someone make sure she changes clothes/underwear. My mom won't let me put her clothes in the dresser because she thinks people will steal her things. I don't know how to just let this go.

My mom puts on the same clothes every day too. I point this out to the care staff when I notice and then they make sure she gets clean clothes on. It is okay for a while, then I notice she has on the same clothes again for four days in a row. So I mention it again. It takes grabbing the old clothes at night when she goes to bed and putting out a new outfit for the morning or after her bath. They only have six residents, so it's not a huge deal. I just have to stay on top of it. Perhaps talk to the staff and see if they can come up with a plan to trick her out of wearing the same clothes. What if the laundry basket, with a note on it as to what it is for, is put closer to the closet, so she doesn't hang up the dirty clothes? I go in and sort my mom's closet and drawers at least once a week. If anything that looks that it's been worn is hung up, I put it in laundry. I can visit her every day, so I can keep track of all that goes on, but maybe you can't do that?
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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How long does the roommate's son visit for? That really is a late arrival for him to be visiting but I guess if your mom isn't complaining about it, maybe it's okay? I know it's difficult but we have to pick our battles. I do think it is rude of the roommate and her son to stay in the room though. They should visit in a common area, for sure! Why would he want to stay in the room with your mom there anyway?
My mom also has a selfish roommate with the television and I'm trying to work that issue as well so I feel for you! Money isn't abundant and we can't afford a private room either.
When you are visiting the facility, make sure that her mom gets her comfy chair and her mattress pad placed on her bed. I wouldn't leave until these things are done. If there's not a nice chair available, maybe you can buy your mom one? I had to bring my mom's recliner in w/ her nightstand and the AL facility is letting her borrow a dresser and twin bed, thank goodness!
The dirty clothes are an issue! Are you able to call your mom each day to remind her to change and put her dirty clothes in the hamper? Maybe tell her that you're going to "check" the hamper on your next visit?
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. At least you're close to your mom. My mom and I got stuck being two states away and that's another work that's in progress, the problem solving and trouble never end! I wish you the best of luck, I have to sell a house too. You're not alone....
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Reply to sunset38
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U r welcome.

Is it possible for you to go during a meal and put the mattress pad on?

Perhaps sending a letter to both managers that reiterates what was covered, what tgey ageed would be done, thanking them for getting these situations dealt with and carbon copy the administration, owners, corporate, whomever is responsible for this facility. If they are being paid by the state there has to be some oversight agency. Sometimes going beyond the yahoos that are only paying you lip service is enough to get things done.

You should reiterate the concern about infections because she is being allowed to wear dirty under clothes indefinitely and this is part of the purpose of being in an AL.

Maybe you can take a long weekend, get some RR and then hit it fresh next week. If it's been going on a while then a few more days for you to rest up isn't going to be a problem. Sometimes we just need to move back so we can gain perspective and balance in a situation that is overwhelming.

I like cwillie advise about using the comfy chair and not giving over the remote if she was watching a program, as you say, she is paying for the room and services and she is entitled to her space and comfort.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 30, 2019
I like a letter. People take letters more seriously than phone calls. I have read stats on resolving issues and a letter can make a difference. It was reported that those who wrote letters got responses. Phone calls are sometimes ignored. I know a lot of people email as well. Certainly quicker. So many emails to sort through these days. I think a letter would grab someone’s attention faster.
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I think you may need to be more assertive with the room mate and her son. Since the furniture in the room is provided feel free to have your mom use the comfortable chair if she is there first and to continue watching the TV when you are in the middle of a movie or program, sharing goes both ways. As for the visiting son, there is no reason he can't spend that time with her in a common area - it's possible that this was the previous arrangement and that's why you were told she wouldn't be in the room until later.
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Reply to cwillie
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I dealt with this with my dad last year in MC. My dad would be sleeping and this cranky old guy would wander in his room, sit on the couch, and watch my dad. I caught this many times. Not blaming the guy so much as he is probably just a victim of this wretched condition but you hear stories and I did not like it. I would call aids, they would make a half hearted attempt then give up as the guy was very ornery and still strong. I said you get him out, or I will physically remove him myself. (sort of a bluff, I am guessing I could have got in legal trouble). They finally recruited guy aides from other wings. Monday I had it out with the Director and said if I see this again I will file report with state. She gave me her cell number and said to call her 24/7 if I saw it again.

And this was with my dad who I naturally care about, but if some guy did that and it was my mom, and the guy wouldn't move, I would physically move him and deal with the consequences later. Not recommending that for everyone of course. Best of luck in dealing with this to you. You are already dealing with a lot of stress in caregiving without having to worry about this.
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Reply to Karsten
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I would schedule a meeting with whomever you got the promises from. Approach this as a "I need your help. " How do we get mom in clean underwear everyday? Do we need to buy extra that get put in the dresser, does an aid need to come earlier to help her dress?

Address what you were told and what is actually happening. Ask about getting her a comfortable chair in her room. I would also address the roomy have 1st consideration for everything, gets the remote, son being in the room to late at night. In AZ, if both roommates are not comfortable and in agreement with the visitors being in the room, then the visit must take place in the common area. Request a different room if they can't correct the issues.

Be calm and take notes. This is a tough, gut wrenching situation you are in and you obviously want mom well cared for. I found that they will tell you anything and then get pissed when you say, hey wait a minute, you said...oh my, now I am a problem. So tread carefully while you get her in a position that she is being cared for. I would report them for not taking care of her daily living needs, anonymously of course, to every department that has anything to do with this.

You will eventually figure out what is okay to overlook and what needs to be addressed. It is a very difficult time, be kind to yourself while you get her sorted and situated. You may need to move her if they won't address putting clean underwear on her, but learn from every interaction what is beneficial to ask, look at, see, who to talk to and what to get sorted before the move. Most importantly learn what is part of AL living and not something to worry or fight about.

Hugs to you, you are doing a tough job great.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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bgdisme Apr 26, 2019
Hi, thank you, that is what I'm dealing with personally right now. I'm so burnt out that I can't think clearly about what is worth worrying about. I don't want her to get UTI's or foot infection which is why I'm concerned she isn't changing them. I've bought her new knee-hi's and she ties them up in the plastic bag where she put the rest of her clothes. My mom says it doesn't bother her when the roommates son comes to visit that late but I know and see she is tired and I would never even think twice about doing this to her roommate. I just wouldn't do it. The woman should have her own room if that's how the situation is going to be. I can't just move her somewhere else, the costs are insane in NY. I've spoke to the 2 managers a few times, each time being assured it will be taken care of. I bought my mom a mattress pad to make her bed more comfortable that was on her bed in the other AL. I've asked 3 times for it to be put on her bed in new place, it's still on the shelf in the closet. My mom won't let me do these things in front of her so it has to be done when she isn't in the room. I don't see any issue or reason an aide can't do this when she is at breakfast or lunch.
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Your Mom may need more care than an AL can give. Might want to start looking into a nice LTC. In hindsight, we think that is what we should have done.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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bgdisme Apr 26, 2019
The aides help them with dressing and do the laundry, in both of the places she has been. I've asked repeatedly for my mom's clothes to be put in the dresser and no one does it. An aide gets the roommate ready for bed, my mom doesn't need help dressing herself but needs some direction on putting clean underwear and socks on. If it can be done for the roommate and other residents it should be done for my mom. There has been no laundry in my mom's laundry basket for two weeks because she is wearing the same socks and underwear. No one seems to notice. It's not about finding a different facility.
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Take a chair out of the dining room. We swapped chairs around constantly at Moms NH depending on who needed what. Just go take one.
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Reply to rocketjcat
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bgdisme Apr 26, 2019
That is the kind of chair already in her room. There is one big comfy chair and a dining room chair. There isn't another chair like that for me to just go an take. That's why I keep asking them to get her the same kind of chair.
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Is this a memory care or just assisted living? If it isn't a memory care you aren't necessarily going to get CNAs who understand dementia and they definitely are not going to have the time or inclination to go through your mother's closets or fight with her when she presents herself in the same clothes day after day - I don't care what management promised you, ALs are designed to help people who need minimal assistance.
As for the chair - in my experience anything beyond basic furnishings are usually not supplied by the facility, you would have to supply your own.
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bgdisme Apr 26, 2019
Hello, they supply the furniture. Bed, lamps, nightstand, dresser, chair. Same as the AL she was in before. I just don't agree with the imbalance in the room. One person gets a nice, comfortable chair and the other a hard, regular table chair. Unfair. Paying the same amount. The AL's where I am in NY help with the ADL's so it isn't just minimal assistance. Not sure where you are but not the case here.
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