Assisted living facility refuses to call me if my parents get sick or injured and only calls my sister who is medical POA. What can we do?

It is common that a facility will only have one contact person and that is almost always the medical POA, and to be frank they don't want to get involved in your family disagreements.

Lynne4now, I also agree with cwillie above that the facilities only call one contact person. Otherwise the staff would be on the phone most of the day, the Staff doesn't have time for this.

The situation you have, the family needs to work this out between themselves. This is NOT the assisted living facility's problem.

There are protocols in place in every facility but the people who work there have seen every kind of family dysfunction and may sympathize. My only other suggestion is to try to find an ally who works there who may be willing to contact you if anything major happens. Keep in mind that this person would be doing this as a friend and favour and could get in trouble because of it.

How is dad? Is he able to sign a new POA?

Dad can sign a new medical POA but just for him right? Not mom is what I thought. He has Parkinsons but can still think for himself. Not sure if they will take a new one but I am going to try.

Can your mother understand what assigning a POA and Medical POA means?

Call the facility once a week and ask how your parents are doing.

Lynne4now do you know any of the caregivers at site on person to person level?
or any staff? ...get in good with one of them and slip them your phone #, tell them to call you if anything happens... in the between time until new POA being created / signed.

I'm sorry about your Sister. I too have four other siblings, I am the youngest and I am here with my Parents now. I don't have POA set up nor does my Dad want to go that route yet. I realize in their older age, they are quite paranoid, not trusting in certain areas. I keep all of them in the loop at least weekly, if any major changes with her ailment. They also call periodically.

Hope everything works out for you.

Would dad call you if something happens to mom? The facility is not going to put themselves in the midst of family squabbles or dysfunction. Their job is to provide care for mom and dad.

I went through the same with my mom and twisted sib#2, the POA. I would not be updated ever, until close to the end of mom's life. This is quite common. I was succesor, cared for mom for four years, then it was like a switch being turned off. Also remember that it is the POA'S responsibility to keep medical information private. Yes it is hard. How often do you visit? That is a great way to build relationships with staff of they see you are being very attentive to your folks.

Lynne-
I have a similar situation in which my brother has control over my mother. She lives with him. He has POA, but she's competent and can make her own decisions. POA is pointless. However, he likes to control everything and does not call any of the rest of us sibs with updates. EVER. We hear about ER runs and illnesses from random sources! (Mother cannot use her cell phone and brother refuses to re-install her landline).

I've tried texting, calling, emailing, going to his house and talking till I'm blue in the face. We had an "all hands on deck" meeting the 2nd of Jan this year in which we all (5 of us) had a chance to air our concerns and "need to know". Brother just lost it, angry and yelling and screaming---we don't know why. Probably guilt over doing a subpar job--but we all stand ready to support him--he won't LET us.

Anyway, he DID promise we'd get a weekly update on mother. Has he done that? Of course not. He has banned me (I used to go 2-3 days a week for short periods and help mother with small things, and TRY to clean) but he shut that down. I am allowed only to see her in the common living room area. It's so stupid.

I'm the only sib who "cares" so it bothers only me. I have had to swallow my anger and do what he wants.

What I am saying is, you CANNOT change the dynamic here. Getting dad to sign a POA naming you is a big step. If dad is still that competent, I'd just ask him to call you and get the 411. Forget about sister.

And the facility is bound by the rules--also they cannot spend all day trying to track down family members. More than one NH staff member told me they could do a lot more for their residents if the FAMILIES would stay the heck out of the fray.

--if you're visiting weekly, that's great. JUst ask dad to call you in case of any change in Mom's health. The family should pull together. SHOULD. Often don't.