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My Mom lost my Dad almost 3 years ago. My Half brother snapped and started drinking the night before my dad's funeral. He is Bi-Polar, and even ruined his 17 year marriage.I am 57 and he is 8 years younger then me. he has beat up his blood brother and physically abused me 3 times and can not see his 2 children over this mess . It has hurt my Mom so much she has declined a lot. She has been in an Assisted Living Place for a year and in that year there has been issues with my half brother, Jay, he has tried living with her, eating there, and gone out to bars and smashed plants, has a bad temper, and threw me on Mom's floor there for no reason other then greed and mental issues. We used to be so close and the fact I took POA for my Mom about 2 years ago has made him very upset, He has already taken or asked for over $50,000 off from Mom. I have put a stop to it. There was a nurse, Lisa, that had a bad attitude towards me and also thought Jay was great and I tired to warn them of his drinking and mental issues. They did not listen and finally when he went out drinking and smashed plants at a bar and the law was involved, they perked up. Lisa this Sargent type nurse has lied to me on several occasions, one being that they do not have transportation to Doctor's visits for my Mom if need be. I had asked as I had been taking her but needed help one time. I found out after they do transport. Lisa had left the facility I do not know why and a few others did also.. This Assisted Living has 9 floors and only 20 Assisted living studio apartments. The communication there is awful. I am trying to sell Mom's house and property then sell my house also and move to Virginia as there are a lot more Significant Elder Care Facilities and we went down to Virginia and looked at them last month. Seems we are stuck in Vermont for the winter. Mom has depression and all this stress of Jay and embarrassment of what has gone on has taken its toll on Mom. She no longer cares to go to the TV room and 2 of her only friends have passed away in there. Jay has been court ordered into mental facilities and is no longer allowed up there. A new place just opened The Mansfield, it is closer to my house and is full Assisted Living, meaning the whole building has Assisted Living and should Mom's memory get worst there is a Memory part of the building. I applied 2 days ago, mom loved the place,. She would actually have a little refrigerator that would freeze stuff. Large Menu;s that are on a large Computer Monitor and just plain better and easier place that is much more specialized for Elders. I was so Happy and she was too. I get a call the next day, after I ran around and got all the info they needed from Mom's insurance, Doctor's and funds. Then a phone call saying that from a nurse from that facility saying they could not meet my Mom's needs. Then I realized it was Lisa that nurse that used to work at Mom;s current place,,,,(here we go again). I ended up talking to her supervisor who said it had nothing to do with Mom;s late sleeping in, it was Family Dynamic's. ( 2 different reasons?) then she said she knew Police were called at Mom's current place before and Adult Protective Services. I told her my brother had Mental Issues and it was beyond Mom's ability to do anything about it and furthermore, Mental Illness is beyond anyone's help other then Doctor's who to the best of my knowledge are working on it. The most I could get out of her supervisor was she would call me on Monday but she had to stand behind her employee's management decision. I am so upset. I know Mom would do so much better there until we can sell our real estate which is highly questionable at this time. The new place is a new chapter for Mom. It would help her meet more friends. Can this be legal what they are deciding under one nurse who is anything but caring? Help Please...

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Great answer Jeanne!
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typo: getting her environment changed WOULDN"T cure her depression.
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I am very sorry for the sad situation you are in. Hugs to you!

In a previous post you were trying to get your mom in to see a geriatrician or perhaps a geriatric psychiatrist. What has been the outcome of that?

I understand that you would like to get your mother into the place you recently visited. I don't blame you. But I doubt very much that her current severely depressed state is caused by her environment. Getting her into a place with bigger menus and a little refrigerator would cure her. Whatever her treatment plan is now isn't working. She needs to be evaluated now and a new treatment plan developed.

Being in a new place won't cure her dementia, either. I'm not saying that the quality of the care center doesn't matter. Some are very good and some are very poor. But no matter where she is, she needs a better treatment plan, so I'd try to address that first.

As you probably know, depressive disorders often have a genetic component. WIth a brother and a mother having these issues, I wonder how you are. Do you suffer from depression, too? If so, I sure hope you are getting treatment. You deserve all the support you can get!

A facility can (and should) reject someone if they determine they cannot meet that person's needs. Few ALFs would welcome a resident who doesn't get out of bed and get dressed on a consistent basis. They know what their skills are, what they are licensed and staffed to handle, and what they need to turn down (even though turning business away is not good for their bottom line). If on top of the level of care your depressed mother appears to need there are also uproars over "family dynamics," well, I guess the whole picture was too much for them.

And they may be right. It is entirely possible that your mother really needs the kind of attention and care she would get in a nursing home.

The first step, in my opinion, is to try to get Mom's depression care plan updated. Give a new plan a couple of months to start working. And then consider carefully whether she would be better off in a nursing home.

I really admire how hard you are trying to be a good advocate for your mother!
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To reply to ba8akou, I am not making connections that are none exist. This nurse said they do not transport , the family has to. Mom is on anti-depressants and has had depression all her life but held jobs and managed it. Her son, Jay, has always worried her as mothers do. I know she feels guilty that he is Bi-Polar and thinks her genes may have something to do with it. Jay is drinking and not taking his medications correctly. He could be leveled out if he tried and he is 48 years old, time to quit breast feeding off Mom. The facility is very short handed and most the time there is only one person running the whole place which is not enough. It is a non profit place and they have employees from Tebbet that speak hardly any english. I have no control over my half brother's Bi-Polar issues, the state and doctor's are trying. If I had control there would not be a letter in this Aging Care Connect. My brother has a restraining order from the state to stay away from me as he has beat me up 3 times. So I think you got my whole drift and question of help incorrect.
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Then we go back to Eye's plan; Go see Lisa the nurse on Monday, in person, and tell her the steps you've taken to keep brother away. I'm sorry if I misunderstood and caused you further pain.
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Staystrong, you have an awful lot of issues going on here right now.
First, if you are planning on moving to Virginia after mom's property sells, don't move her now. Too much change for her poor brain to take in. Second, you seem to me to be making connections where perhaps none exist. It sounds as though mom has deepening depression (which may or may not have anything to do with her situation, brother, etc). Get her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist asap. If mom is in a facility, let them do their job to keep her safe. If brother shows up, you leave. Don't allow there to be "dynamics". Make sure that mom's money is not available for hers to distribute...no cash, no debit card, no pin numbers, no checks.

Saying that Lisa "lied" about transportation is probably not accurate. Most ALs have policies about transportation, at my mom's place, you had to give them two weeks notice, it couldn't be on Friday, and if the driver was out then they couldn't provide it. So if you called and she said no, it was not a "lie". If you are having difficulties with communications, please have a meeting with the administrator and social worker and ask who your point of contact should be. Explain the situation with your brother and seek their advice and help.
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What is your ultimate goal? To get mom into this new facility?

And your brother is still coming around?

You're right, no one can make your brother seek treatment or take his medication. You can't control him. And unless you're able to be with your mom 24/7 you can't control his exposure to your mom. I would bet that your mom won't call the police whenever he shows up either. I can understand your frustration and pain. What did APS say?

If you could get someone to step in and help, what would you want them to do?
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My Mom has no control over him as the law and Doctor's can not make him take his medication correctly . In your case living in an Independent environment can make you obviously responsible. Mom forgets certain issues including what he has done. She sometimes forgets he is now divorced thanks to his wrong choice, I have tried to get a restraining order on him to keep him away from Mom as he has physically abused me in front of her and the judge turned it down on the basis that he has not harmed her, Mentally he is killing her with his actions. I tried Adult Protective Services . She is an Elder needing assistance. This is wrong in all accounts. Just wish I knew the right channel to get legal advice or some official to step in and help. It is the same as child abuse, no different except the ages. I did not sleep last night and cried most the night...:(
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If you really would like your mom to go into this new facility you may have to throw yourself on your sword to this nurse. Go to her personally (not on the phone) and tell her what steps you have taken to alleviate issues coming from your brother and promise her that it will not happen again (if you're sure it won't).

I don't know for sure but I would think that yes, they can keep your mom out of this new facility based upon her family issues. I rent a condo and I have all kinds of rules and guidelines I have to follow as a responsible tenant. And I am ultimately responsible for anyone I have over here. If my guest gets drunk and causes an uproar it's on me. If the cops are called as a result that's my responsibility.

Look through the paperwork your mom has on her current place. Somewhere there should be a list of rules she has to follow. I'm sure this isn't the first time the family of a resident has caused problems, you can probably find some kind of reference to families and what's expected of them in the paperwork.

If and when your mom moves, keep your brother as far away from her as possible.
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