What can I do to assess competency of my Mom who has mental illness and terminal cancer?

I am doing that despite the difficultly in backing off. Being a nurse for 29 years doesn't help. Thanks.

It's commendable that you want to stand by her and fulfill her dreams, even though they are not realistic. It is also time for the others to step up and experience first hand how burdensome this has been for you. Give yourself time to recover, reset your inner balance.

I chose that one because her other choice was for me to find her a husband. She does not even love herself. How could she possibly love a husband!? She needs to accept help from others and focus on day to day health. Yes, it is true that I carried the secret of abuse to myself until a few years ago. But I finally realized through professional help that I was not to continue trying to protect that secret and to get the help I deserved and needed. I am fortunate to have a very supportive husband as well as professional help just a phone call away. It was when I told my siblings that I needed a break and needed to take care of myself and my family that my siblings turned against me and no longer speak to me. I do not feel any guilt. I know what I have done all my life and it is more than most may have chosen to endure. Thanks for your prospective and advice. ps my siblings do not know anything about my mother's dreams to travel. My mother has limited income and has not been fortunate enough to have a fulfilled life, mostly due to her underlying mental health issues. My father passed away at age 31 from Lou Gehrig's disease. As a result, my mother raised me and my siblings alone. She was pregnant and my siblings ranged in age from 5-8 years of age. My mother is currently neglected by family by not ensuring her safety and well being.

Italy? That's it?

I wasn't expecting that answer.

Ok, I'll bite. Of all your mother's many potential unfulfilled dreams and longings, why would you pick on that one? When you mentioned your fears that she was being neglected, I can't imagine you meant: neglected, in that your siblings won't take her to Italy.

I think Pam is correct in suspecting, perhaps, that it is you who needs a bit more care and attention from yourself as a first step. With your early history, your current turbulent feelings, your mother's mental health issues and the fact that her passing can't be far away, you must be being shaken to pieces. Do you have anyone to lean on? - spouse, partner, counsellor, doctor?

Forget Italy. Never take someone in frail health overseas.
Let APS handle the rest of this. Focus on your own health for now.

I would like to help fullfil a long dream of hers and take her to Italy, but my siblings will surely fight me and say she is not competent to make that decision although they deemed her competent to change her medical POA. I have forgiven my mom for her abuse. I do not want to see her neglected by siblings who just want her dead so they can take her money. Thanks for your input. I know I'm not alone in this type of issue, but I do not like watching someone mistreated.

I don't want to add to your stress by being obtuse, but I'm struggling to understand what it is that you would like to happen.

Your mother was abusive to you throughout your childhood, but you believe that it took lies from your siblings to turn her against you?

She appointed you POA for her healthcare, then revoked that and, presumably, appointed one or more of your siblings instead? Why?

I am sincerely sorry that you're having to go through this. Your troubles are very real, and very sad to read about; and if your mother is so seriously ill you have little time in hand to accomplish anything with her. What would most help to give you some peace of mind before her passing, and therefore the best chance of recovery afterwards?

With multiple stage four metastatic cancers I can't imagine your mother has the time for a prolonged legal battle, and it sounds as though she as well as your sibs would fight you all the way. Perhaps it would be best if you step back and watch how things play out. As her cancer progresses she will surely need a facility for 24 hour care, even if it is a trip to the ER that gets her into one. Sorry you are going through this.

ps When it became to much for me to manage my mother's illnesses alone, I told my siblings that I needed to step back a bit and needed their assistance. I know when it is time to say it is time to take care of myself. This is when my siblings turned against me.

I have reported this to APS and nothing has been done. It has been over one week and they have not even gone to the home.

Protecting my mother against the neglect of my siblings is absolutely worth it despite knowing it may be an upward battle. I am a registered nurse with 29 years experience. I was removed from being the primary medical POA and also removed from making end of life decisions. My mother requires so much help and she is receiving very minimal assistance. My mom has been diagnosed with bipolar and schizoaffective disorders on top of her stage four metastatic melanoma to her brain, lungs, and possibly liver. My siblings have essential turned my mother against my by telling her lies. My mother has been jealous of me since birth and continues to be as she has reported to the psychiatry staff. She was abusive to me my entire childhood. The abuse included several attempts to kill me and she thinks it is funny.

If your mother has been DIAGNOSED with mental illness and terminal cancer and won't seek treatment, perhaps you would do yourself and mother a favor by walking away and reporting her to APS as a vulnerable adult. That would, I believe, force someone to look into her living conditions and perhaps force treatment. Dealing with someone who is mentally ill, trying to reason with them can destroy your mental and physical health. If she becomes a ward of the state you can still advocate for her.

Taking my mother to a doctor is easier said than done when my mother refuses to go and my siblings state she can decide she does not need to go. I have sought help through nurses, social workers, and even office of the aging and have received no help.

What kind of mental illness? Now that the changes have been made - to what, by the way? - under the supervision of an attorney, you will have an uphill struggle getting them invalidated. You would have to demonstrate retrospectively that she lacked capacity at the time when the changes were made. That would require a high standard of proof - and since she hasn't already been evaluated, do you think you could provide enough evidence? - and probably be extremely expensive.

So next question: what would you like to try to do, and are you sure it's going to be worth it?

Take her to a doctor for an evaluation of her competency.