Hi All,

I’ve got a question….how do you suggest your mum moving to a Retirement Village??

I’ve been on here before (and ranted a bit… sorry) but basically 10 years ago we all moved in together. My wife and kids DD (then 2) & DS (then 1) and my mum living in a 2-bed annex next door. It was great for the first 8 years but then things started to change. Firstly, my DD was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and what we know now we think our DS is also on the Spectrum.

Anyway fast forward to now, shes 86 and has now given up her job (she used to provide respite care) and she has given up her car so all she does now is to sit in front of the TV and watch re-runs of old shows… most of it in silence. Her feet have swollen, her mobility is really bad now. I have tried to get people round to go through things, days out, shopping trips etc but she just pays lip service and then just sits in her chair. As I said on a previous post, I'm now resenting her as it seems we can’t do anything with my family, move etc (we have passed on chances of living and working abroad) but she’s oblivious to all this. It also seems she is starting to rely on me more and more and I'm turning from her son to her carer… which, if im totally honest is something I don’t want to be. I love my mum but I can’t care for her, I have my own family issues to look after.

I suggested to her about moving house but before I finished the sentence she said quite abruptly “I don’t want to move, I'm happy here!”. I explained we were looking for property that has a ground floor annex so she doesn’t have to use stairs. At the moment due to her legs she has to pull herself up the stairs with her hands on the handrail. I'm worried (and I told her) that one day her hand could slip and she’ll go flying down the stairs backwards. She said she’s fine… and said again she likes it here with me next door (for her security, for me to be at her beck and call) however another reason for move is I would like a bigger room for my son. Hes now 11 and he’s living like Harry Potter, under that stairs. He has the smallest bedroom. Its approx. 2.5m x 2m and for a growing boy with his keyboard, bed, chest of drawers and desk he has a postage size of free space! She didn’t care… “I don’t want to move!” I said its not just about you, its for the family…. There was a pregnant pause and then she said “What are you doing about DS’s bedroom?” I snapped back “obviously nothing as were not moving” it hasn’t been discussed since.

A retirement village recently opened near us (about a 5 min drive) and I talked to my wife about it… my thoughts are, I feel it would be better for my mum to be there, to be with people her own age/interests so that she gets the best out of her ‘golden years’. At the moment I'm just watching her slip away, sat in her chair watching silent TV… at the village she would have a 1 bed apartment, with access to loads of facilities, shop, café, restaurant, bar, etc…. She can potter down to the café have a coffee/chat then go back to her room for a sleep and then be up for Bingo in the evening. We think this will be the best for all of us, me/wife so we can spend more time on our kids without worrying about my mum and my mum as she will be more active and maybe get a bit more out of life…

We would have to sale our home to help fund it but she also has savings she can put into it… However, I know her thoughts on this is a Care Home.. something my nan, her mother, went into…. Where she had a small room with a bed and a lounge where there were chairs in a circle and they all stared at each other… how do I approach this subject. Has anyone else been in this situation, asked the question and it was rejected? How did you get on afterwards? My worry is I'm starting to resent her now, if she said an outright no to this how would I feel then… that’s why I'm finding it really are to approach the subject…

Any help?

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Hi. Try to not give her a choice. Tell her you and wife are selling the house and she's moving to (what ever the name of the place). Giving her the choice means she can choose to stay. But if you are selling the house and moving means everyone's moving. Sounds hard but I understand how you feel. Someone may not be happy at least initially. She may feel better after she's moved and lives in the benefit. Right now she is stuck in what she's familiar with (happy). Time to press the button and get some of the happy for you and your family too. Going to be uncomfortable for a bit. But it's going to be fine in the end.... Best to y'all.😀
Helpful Answer (0)

If your mother is happy as things are you aren't going to convince her to change for herself, what you need to focus on are the changes you need to make for yourself and your kids. "Mom, the family and I have decided we need to move/need more space/(insert reason here) - I want to see that you are settled somewhere before we move. Lets go check out the place down the road together."
Helpful Answer (4)

A lot of retirement homes have a free orientation, tour, and lunch as a sales tactic. Could you take her to this if they have it?

Can you start working on getting your house ready for sale? When you are talking about moving, then you can have her look at different places. Make it clear your new home won't have space for her.
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