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We moved here so we would be close (less than a mile) to family for help. That was three years ago. Now when my husband is bad and can not to left alone and my health went in the toilet, where is the promised help? How can I bring up the subject without causing problems or hurt feelings. I have tried and tried to find in home care and they know it is not available in our area. Why did they ask us to move here anyway!

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I think the list of things that would help would be the best start. I did notice that you admitted that he could get nasty. That may be why they won't come around. Quite frankly I would not offer help if I was going to be abused by the person I was helping. If that is the case, find other ways they can ease your burden.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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swinheim Jan 5, 2019
Yes, it could be one reason because I have called them when this happened.
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Hugs again.

I doubt if it's true that they don't care. It might well be that they are averting their eyes so that they don't accidentally volunteer for more than they can handle.

One might point out that they might have thought of that before, of course. But it doesn't get you very far.

I think your idea of shared living in continuing care with memory care services is absolutely the right way to go - if you can find it. How far afield are you looking?

Now then. Have you sat the younger people down, looked them in the eye, and talked to them about the entire situation? It needs addressing urgently, and it's preferable to approach it collaboratively (as you know, I know). It doesn't have to be a blame game or a shouting match, but your health needs make the status quo too much of a risk. There has to be a discussion of the practical realities.

You must feel hurt, I'm sure. But bear in mind that when you're stressed and overtired and not very well, everything hurts more than it does when you're fighting fit. Eyes forward, and invite them to contribute what they can.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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swinheim Jan 5, 2019
Thank you so much. And yes I have ask for a family discussion so I can get some input
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I'd start by making a list of the things they could do to help you, be very specific - for example sit with dad Wed evening while I run to the grocery store. If a meeting would work for your family dynamic then sit together with your list and divvy up the chores, if not then simply call and ask each one to do something specific. Once they spend some more time alone with him they will get a better understanding of the challenges you are facing and may come up with some solutions of their own. If none are willing to step up then perhaps you should consider a move to a place where more supports are available.
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Reply to cwillie
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Big hugs to you. What a difficult situation you're in.

Your husband has Alzheimer's Disease and you are his sole caregiver. You are now not in good health yourself (anything specific, or just the toll taken by your heavy caregiving responsibilities?).

When you say in-home help is not available in your area, why is that? Are you in a remote rural location, it is prohibitively expensive, or what is the problem?

Your children encouraged you to move to be near them three years ago so that they would be able to help you. Mmmm, did they now.

And did they have any particular idea of what this would involve? Or was it just a vague distant notion of how they'd drop in with the occasional bag of groceries?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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swinheim Jan 3, 2019
Not available in my rural area. I am still looking and I won't quit.
And yes they knew what was involved as my daughter-in-law helped care for her mother who pasted 4 years ago. My granddaughter worked in memory care so yes they know. They know he can be nasty if he doesn't get his way, maybe that is why. Right now I am really depressed as I haven't had a break of any time since October and hurt because they don't seem to care. I am having cariod vascular and heart problems. Just being able to go to the store would be a treat if you know what I mean.
At the present I am looking for a place for memory care where I can live with him. I will not have him by his self. He is my soul mate.
thank you
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What are their excuses when you have asked for help? Often people won't ask for help expecting the other to either offer or 'know' you need it. First step is to just ask.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Maybe a family meeting. Don't bring up why you ended up there just say you need more help. I am assuming if not in ur 80s ur close. Its hard for a younger person to care for a Dementia patient so even harder for an 80 yr old. Tel, them u can no longer care for DH. Your health is failing too. If they could help in finding caregivers. Give you a break, maybe help with cleaning. If they aren't responsive, then tell them DH will have to go to a facility because he will only get worse.

If you have money, you may want to look into a facility that transitions from independent living to Assisted Living to Longterm care. You may be able to start out in Independent and get help for DH, or find that an Assisted living meets your needs. They have activities and outings you could enjoy knowing DH was being cared for while you enjoyed them. Where I live, if you have paid privately for at least 2 yrs, you may be able to get Medicaid help and stay where you are.

The other alternative is Medicaid. Having DH qualify and you become the Community Spouse. You can stay in ur home and receive enough money to pay bills. Medicaid will not make you impoverished.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Does your state have a Council on Aging? If you contact them, and explain your needs, they might be able to guide you to in home help. It seems to me that many states are improving the services they can offer to people to keep them at home as long as possible. There are senior activity centers that will take your husband for a few hours a couple of times a week. Maybe there is one near you? In New York, they even provided the transportation. The Alzheimer's Association in our area also offers to pay for a few hours of the center without even needing to qualify for Medicaid. Have you contacted them?

Have you and your husband gotten your legal paperwork in order? Have you chosen someone to act in your best interests if you can't make financial or medical decisions on your own? Have you spoken to someone about how you would qualify for Medicaid if you needed to? It's not fun to think about but it's always better to have a plan than to wait until a crisis happens and then look around for help.

Even if you can get your children to help you out now, chances are that your husband's needs will progress to a point where you will need more help than they can provide. You may as well get a plan in place now.

If you can afford it, you might benefit from an assisted living situation. You could still live together but you would both have support. In New York, we found a facility that would house both an Alzheimer's patient and her husband and Medicaid would pay for the Alzheimer's patient so it was affordable.

Best of luck to you. It would be great if your children stepped up and solved this problem for you but even if they did that, you would probably need more help in the future than they can provide. You may as well get a plan in place for that day.
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Reply to Marcia7321
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Perhaps the most practical way would be to ask for help. You know enough about the family to ask for things that are possible. If what you ask isn't possible, ask what else they can do.

At least to start with, it's probably best to avoid blame or to remind them of their past promises. And perhaps they only asked you to move closer so that it would be more convenient for them to see your husband when they felt like it!
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