My husband is an alcohlic and is declining. he is 77 I'm 64. I have had to stop him from driving--doctors advice. also, he can barley walk because of his early signs of dementia. he has always been verbally abusive ( extreme) very difficult man to live with. has drained our bank account and now can't do alot of simple things like use the microwave, make coffee Etc. he's angry, bitter, and just not a kind person we have been together 28 years I have recently just had to control the money and everything else he would not let me before. to say the least it has been a nightmare for the last 10 years. I don't know why i didnt leave as recommeded by SO many family members. now I feel responsible because he is incapable of doing many things. he has burned ALOT of bridges with many people including his three daughters. they want nothing to do with him, tried for many years but he just pushed everyone away. now its just me and I feel resentful. Help me to find some kind of answer, I really don't now what to do at this point.
Also ask about Medicaid. If husband has been diagnosed with Dementia, then you may come out better placing him in LTC with Medicaid footing the bill. Your assets will be looked at. Medicaid allows them to be split. His portion will go to his care and when almost gone Medicaid is applied for. If you are retired, your monthly income of SS and any pensions will be looked at. As the Community Spouse you will get partial or all of it depending on what you need to live on. You remain in the home and have a car, There is more to this but I gave u the basics. It really depends on the State you live.
I agree with Geaton777. It's your choice whether or not to subordinate your life for additional years to serve and care for this man. I think your best question now is to evaluate why you didn't leave him, and why you now feel obligated to care for him.
Alva and Barb also raise issues which I think you need to consider. Otherwise, you may be back here repeatedly asking for advice b/c you've become miserable, dominated and more undesirable conditions.
Address the issue now, and move forward with your own life.
Respectfully, I think you DO know what to do, you just don't like the answer and don't want to do it because you have a dysfunctional codependent relationship with him.
The next time he is abusive call 911. If they remove him from your home, and likely take him to the hospital, make sure the discharge staff knows he is an "unsafe discharge" for YOUR sake, not his, and make sure you file a police report and get a restraining order. The hospital will put the screws to you to take him back but fight this all the way.
Then, call a divorce attorney. The county will become his guardian and will place him in a facility where he will dry out and receive care and medical attention.
Then, contact a therapist to deal with your inability to recognize boundaries and protect yourself.
This is the "retirement" he planned for, so let him have it. His daughters are right and smart to put up boundaries to protect themselves. You should do the same. Anything else is you enabling him and you will have "approved" of whatever treatment or consequences comes your way. Sorry, that's just reality.
Were you to see an elder law attorney, legally separate and have division of assets, your husband would be in the same place most other alcoholics end, which is in the care of the state when there are no longer husbands, wives and children willing to sacrifice their own lives for no real reason.
The choice is yours. I highly recommend Al-Anon where you will meet others negotiating the same path you have chosen. I wish you the best. You will find wonderful support and access through Al-Anon meetings.
As to POA it is conferred by a person upon someone trusted who they designate to act for them when/if they are unable to act themselves. It is done willingly and is an agreement between two parties. POA is not something you "get" over anyone. In the USA alcoholics are not diagnosed as "incompetent" unless they are diagnosed with alcoholic encepholopathy and cannot function for themselves. You will not have POA over your husband if he doesn't ask you to do this for him or unless, in very late stages, he has no mental capacity whatsoever to act for himself. At that point you can, if you choose, be appointed his guardian. That would be very late end stage for him.
Wishing you the best.
You should seek out an eldercare attorney if you are interested in becoming his guardian.
Have you applied for Medicaid?