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I am 52 and live near my elderly parents. Mom is 86 and dad is 91. I believe dad has late stage dementia. He needs 24/7 supervision and care. It is too much for mom but she has been doing it for years. We have a doctor appointment for my dad on Monday where it will probably be recommended AGAIN that he be placed in skilled nursing.


Mom is extremely passive and highly anxious and cannot advocate for herself or him. So I have to go to the doctor with them. This is hard for me as I must take time off work, and it is a very busy time for me.


None of us 5 kids has POA. I don’t want to be POA. My sister was named executor and thinks she is POA. I have tried to explain the difference to my siblings to no avail.


My sister who is executor has not been for a visit in over five years. I have another sister who visits regularly and a brother who visits quite often.


The legal docs were drawn up after I had a mental illness episode, brought partly on by caring for my parents. I do not want to go through this again.


Oh and by the way my parents have in no way planned for any long term care.


Does anyone have any advice?

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If your sister acts like she is the PoA, why not just let her manager the care? It seems apparent that, even though you've tried to give them accurate info, they are wilfully ignoring it so you have done all you can on that front. She will find out the hard way that the two are not the same.

You state that your dad "probably" has late stage demential. So, he has never gotten an actual diagnosis from an actual doctor? Whoever takes him to next appt should request the cognitive evaluation, just so it is in his records and everyone knows his actual state. He may just have an undiagnosed UTI, or other health issue that mimics the symptoms of dementia. Same goes for your mom. Don't guess at this stuff...you're not doctors.

JoAnn29 is correct that without enough funds for LTC his only option is to apply for Medicaid. This is where a financial PoA will be necessary unless you get social services involved, in which case they may need to get legal guardianship of him and then they will be making all the decisions and where he gets placed.

Someone should download the durable PoA paperwork for your state and bring them to your mom to sign and the family and mom be in agreement as to the financial and medical PoA. You can have more than one PoA but they should be mature, reliable, organized, transparent communicators and local to your mom...and willing to do whatever is required.

It's hard to give any more advice without more details. You state you don't want to "go through this again" so the advice I would give is to stay out of the caregiving management as much as possible and let your sister do it. You can participate in other ways, maybe financially or other. Your family situation sounds ripe for discord so as best you can don't add to it -- for yours and your parents' sake. Blessings!
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It depends on their income. Where I live in NJ, Office of Aging can supply an aide if one is available. Medicaid can help with homecare if their income is low. For Dad, Medicaid will help in paying for his longterm care. Mom will be considered a Community spouse and have enough money to live on. This maybe where youcwant to start. With Medicaid. Its time for Mom to realize she can no longer do the caregiving. Make an appt and take ur parents financials with you. If Dad qualifies, their assets will be split. Ex: my GFs parents had 60K inbthe bank, SS and a pension. Not sure how SS and pension were split but the 60k was split in half. Dads, who needed care, was spent down then Medicaid took over. Mom remained in the home and had the car. From what I saw, she did well on her own.

Go to your County Social Service office and see what kind of help is available. Your Office of Aging maybe able to help too.
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