POA for 90 yo mom. 11th yr doing this, I’m 65. Mom is declining rapidly and still in own home. Lives with 70 yo brother who still works long hours: M-F, 5 am - 5:30 pm, some Saturdays. He refuses to retire and can’t make decisions. I feel he escapes to his work.
Mom has been on hospice roughly 1 month. Two RNs think she has six months left. Mom has some dementia, is weak and frail, now weighs 99 pounds. Has had numerous falls and some broken bones. Has osteoporosis, high blood pressure, reflux, hiatal hernia, other.
Hospice SW says mom should not be there by herself so long. (I go 2-3 times/week, 9-3 pm or so.)
Problem: Mom is resistant to any and all changes. Brother does not give me support. Mom is high-functioning (gets up and down, walks short distances, dresses herself, etc.) Every time I try to incorporate changes and safety precautions mom argues and becomes very angry. I try to stay calm and explain the reasoning …. It does no good.
So, I think I will have aides come gradually-maybe 2 times first week for four hours. To ease mom into the change. And then add more hours.
I feel exhausted from the emotional/mental stress. Many nights I cannot sleep. Some times I just wish she would die so I could have my life back with retired husband.
Any thoughts?
Don't spend your energies trying to reason with someone who is no longer able to be reasonable or logical or compromising. She has dementia and this is what it looks like. I learned a lot from Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She says a great response to the complaints of our demented LOs is, "This is hard!" meaning, "I acknowledge it is hard for YOU, it is also hard for me, it is hard all around but we're in it together."
Your first priority is your husband and immediate family. You can be there for your mom but her care should not supersede your marriage at any point. You have no idea how long this can go on for, therefore it's important to have your priorities correct so that you don't burn out and your relationship with hubs doesn't suffer. Please remember he's like an innocent "victim" in all this with no power. May you gain peace in your heart as you figure it all out.
just keep doing what your doing, cut visits, or phone conversations off when it gets ugly..
please , take care of yourself first…