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Anyone else have similar story?? I am stressed out and entirely overwhelmed:


Mom has 2nd stage Alzheimers.


My wife and i, a trusted friend, and 2 part-time, paid caregivers take turns cooking, cleaning, shopping, driving her to appointments, taking her for walks and outings, playing games with her, tending her large garden, caring for her 2 dogs, and overseeing other daily living tasks like bill paying, hygiene, medicine taking, symptom and vitals tracking, etc.


...All while managing my own home, a growing business, and two young kids.
Three of my siblings (there are 5) & a particular uncle all will drop by uninvited, stay at mom's house for days and then angrily judge the job the rest of us are doing caring for mom as inadequate and point out their reasoning in front of her.


Additionally, these not-so-understanding relatives frequently (more than monthly) give a sob story then ask mom for LARGE chunks of money which she gives to them.


At this rate, there truly may not be enough of mom's money left to meet her increasing future care needs. She says she knows what she's doing giving out these large sums, but it's obvious she really doesn't understand consequences anymore.


During their--mercifully--infrequent visits, they will interrogate the care help (that we worked very hard to obtain) and try to change their schedules, or argue with us that these care workers are not needed in the first place.


Last visit, sister wanted to change out all her old furniture and carpets (4000sq foot house), take her on far away (like 1000+miles away) trips, change her eating and sleeping routines and other things i know will aggravate her Alzheimer's symptoms.


Do these unhelpful, primarily absent relatives feel they need to make a grandiose show every so often of proving they "care" in order to justify continuing to ride the gravy train?


The changes they propose in mom's life, even the little ones, like disposing of her current furnishings and getting her new ones may be devastating for her.


I learned this when, 2 years ago--before i knew much about Alzheimer's--with mom's permission, i swapped out her old, chipped and scratched plates with a pretty new set (old set in the garage).


Far from a happy response, Mom had a meltdown and had forgotten she approved; "What is this? Where did these come from? Who put them here? I did not give my permission for this! What happened to my old dishes? Why do people think they can do what they fu*!ng want without asking me? This is MY house, this is MY cupboard and those were MY dishes! I'm sick of being treated like a stupid little child! No one tells me anything around here [we always do but she forgets]! I may as well just kill myself, because obviously I don't matter to anyone!"


...And THEY want glide in and refurnish her house and rearrange her life and schedule, after merely changing some dishes prompted suicidal exclamations?


They don't listen, don't want to hear what we have to say, they have done zero care of her previously, they have not educated themselves on Alzheimer's, nor have they ever inquired of me or other primary care providers, what her symptoms are, what the doctors say, what to expect when they visit, etc. They just show up and try to dictate, creating drama and pain.


As POA, i don't even know if I have the right/responsibility to limit family visits, although i'm guessing i do. Such a learning curve. It's all so new to me and the situation seems to be outpacing my legal knowledge and boundary setting skills...It's extremely hard to process and then to believe that they are no longer the good-hearted loving relatives i believed they were growing up.


After they accuse, criticize, theatrically kick and scream, and get their checks, the visit ends and no one sees them for a long time.


Going back and rereading what i wrote i think i answered my own initial Question, but would appreciate hearing how others handled similar

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Treat 'em like teens. Coz they sure are behaving as such!

They may actually care, but are a bit misguided, lack a mature view (of caregiving) & expect wallets to open when they ask.

So. Stricter rules & consequences.

First - money. Use your POA to get your financial ducks in a row. Give Mom a little spending cash & safeguard the rest. If the 'teens' come to you, either say a direct No or stall with.. oh it's all so complicated.. the bank.. Mom can't sign.. Doctors says... so hard.. etc. (Whatever your style). Once that gravy tap is turned off I think you'll find the 'teens' look elsewhere without you having to do or say anything more.

Those folk are not driving the bus - so do not get to direct it. When these backseat drivers start up, say "thanks for your suggestion". Then ignore it & drive on.

You got this!
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bundleofjoy Sep 2021
i agree :)
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If Mom has Alzheimer's, why aren't you handling her finances now and preventing the siblings from taking her money? As POA, you have a fiduciary duty to do right by her, and that includes preventing her from being taken advantage of financially.

Send the sibs a registered letter letting them know that Mom's finances are now being handled by you in order to preserve her money for her use alone. "Apologize" on Mom's behalf, but say all gifting now has to come to an end due to governmental restrictions for future Medicaid qualifications. Make it as legal and complicated-sounding as you like in order to make it stick with those freeloaders.

I would also put an end to overnight visits at her house. Only supervised visits from this point on, because Mom is "frail" and gets upset easily, and your presence makes it easier for her to handle visitors. (Again, work it so you make yourself very, very clear.)

Most important, make it sound like governmental regulations are the issue with the money, so your hands are tied. That keeps you from being the bad guy, and puts the blame elsewhere. Same goes for the visits -- it's this blasted Alzheimer's, it's so unpredictable, Mom gets upset, etc. -- blame it on the disease and don't take the responsibility for being the hard-nose.

I have a feeling you won't hear much from the spongers from this point on.
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You can place valid restrictions on visiting.
When is a good time of day to visit? Allow 1 person at a time then.
Limit visits to no more than an hour, 30 minutes if an hour is to long.
And continue with similar restrictions.
Limiting visits will also limit potential transmission of contagious diseases. (not just limiting it to COVID but colds, flu, and anything else that a person with a compromised immune system might be prone to getting.

One way to stop the visits...
As soon as they (any unexpected visitor, or unwanted visitor) arrive simply say,
OH! I am so glad you are here. I/we have to run out for a few hours. I have a list of things that need to get done on a note on the refrigerator. I did not get a chance to start dinner, if we don't get back by 4 could you start making the soup? All the ingredients are in the fridge.
(kidding on this but I am sure it would work!)
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Do NOT allow any visitors YOU don’t approve of. Absolutely nobody should come uninvited ever! I would only have 1 or 2 visitors at a time for maximum 1 (ONE) HOUR only. You stay in room & listen/hear EVERYTHING that is said. Do NOT allow ANY $$$ to be given to these visitors. I bet they always come empty handed. Probably don’t bring anything to eat or even cookies 🍪. Am I right? Hugs 🤗
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hug!!

awful.

and i’m a little bit, in some ways, in a similar situation with relatives (relatives who do absolutely nothing to help; and who criticize with verrry ugly words).

you wrote:
“they are no longer the good-hearted loving relatives i believed they were growing up”

—same here. indeed i’m pretty much cutting contact with them.
but in my case, i don’t want them to have no contact with LOs

you wrote:
“After they accuse, criticize, theatrically kick and scream, and get their checks, the visit ends and no one sees them for a long time.”

—awful.
and many people take advantage of dementia/bad memory/etc.
the LO can’t remember the money they gave/lent.
the LO is easily persuaded.

regarding restricting visits:
your mother is in her home. as far as i know, she can only ask for restraining order against relatives.
(and i think that’s only if she feels her safety is in danger)
—well, since it’s her home, she can also clearly say whom she would like/not like, to visit her.

it’s terrible to have relatives who are sharks/whom one must protect oneself from.

i really hope you find good solutions for your mother.
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bundleofjoy Sep 2021
hugs!

depending on level of Alzheimer's, she might still be legally competent.

if you don’t want to be the “bad guy”, restricting visits, your mother can be the one to say it. if you explain to her why you’re worried about the visits, she might agree/understand.

sometimes if you make decisions as POA, and it’s clear you’re the one who made the decisions, you’ll receive a lot of backlash from the relatives.
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" these not-so-understanding relatives frequently (more than monthly) give a sob story then ask mom for LARGE chunks of money which she gives to them.

At this rate, there truly may not be enough of mom's money left to meet her increasing future care needs. She says she knows what she's doing giving out these large sums, but it's obvious she really doesn't understand consequences anymore."

So what will be the plan if she runs out of money to meet increasing care needs? All the money she's gifting people will probably trigger a penalty period before she can qualify for Medicaid. Or are YOU going to fund her increasing care needs? Will she end up having to move in with you?
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