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He keeps harassing me about my Mother's care, questioning my every move and my integrity? He's been around 30 years and he thinks he is one of my Mother's children. I have one brother and two sisters but my sisters insist on having their husbands in on her caregiving affairs. It's stress enough to have to hear the opinions of four, two of which are not siblings? I've had enough but trying to keep cool. I recently moved my Mother from Assisted Living with 24 hours sitter, to a more secure memory care floor. Went from $17500 a month to $8000 a month. No brainer. Trying to stretch out her monies for continuous care at a nice place. She has long term care policy and saved every dime bless her. Has moderate to severe dementia. I want to remove my sisters' husbands from the scenario. Their constant badgering me through nasty email and telling me to stay away from their children is stressful. I hate to take legal action but I'm having chest pains from stress and not a moment goes by where I'm not thinking about their anger and my sisters wanting control. Thanks everybody.

The POA is a legal channel that allows you to act as though you were the principal in all the ways defined by the POA. As a person, you have the right to refuse certain visitors. The POA (depending on the wording of the document) may also have authority to exercise that right for their principal.
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goodson65 Oct 5, 2018
Very well. I'll have to read through and see what the wording states...

Thank you.
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You may want to tell the facility that they can ban the family. Its not fair to the staff to put up with the harassment. If they upset Mom, another good reason to ban them.
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goodson65 Oct 4, 2018
Doesn't that have to be done through legal channels?
Can you just call the facility and ban them?
I would think you would need a no contact order from a lawyer?

Thanks
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Consult with an attorney about your options first, Your family is going to have a very hard time with any "neglect" claims while your mother is in either AL or MC. Has the MC director needed to discuss any staff harassment with you? If so, would he/she be willing to write a letter or sign an affidavit documenting the staff harassment?

I gained guardianship of my father over his and an older brother's objections. My brother got our father to sign DPOA and a will decades after Dad's vascular dementia diagnosis and years after PCP and a geriatric psychiatrist stated he was incompetent in his medical records. My brother has a history of being verbally and emotionally abusive as well as physically intimidating to anyone who doesn't let him have his way. My lawyer prepared a document establishing "rules" my brother had to sign in order to continue seeing my father. Rules limiting the type of contact he was allowed with other family and how he needed to treat the MC staff with courtesy along with a visitation schedule. If brother doesn't sign, he doesn't get to visit our father, After he signs and then violates the agreement, he doesn't get to visit our father. I hated doing it, but visitation was the only carrot I had and the staff and family members do not deserve my brother's abuse. It has mostly worked for a couple of years now. My brother spends several hours a day at the MC with our father and Dad has better care and reduced costs because my brother is there.

Guardianship gives me more absolute control than a POA, so you definitely need to discuss your options with an attorney. Be prepared for a continued resistance. After my brother lost the guardianship battle in the county my parents lived in, I placed Dad into an MC in an adjoining county. Next thing I know, my brother is seeking guardianship in the new county (dismissed at the first hearing).
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goodson65 Oct 4, 2018
Thank you for you reply. Hope things settle down for both of us.
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Tell them that they are capable of forwarding your emails to their husbands. Explain that they are overwhelming you. That you will listen to their imput but...you will no longer take their harrassment. Your Mom made you POA and it looks like she made a good decision. Your decisions will be made on what Mom would have wanted (my mother's wants and not wants were in her medical POA) and information from the medical profressionals.

In opinion, the BIL needs to back off. Its not his Mom. You are POA your decision is the final one. I would also tell them you will not update them if they don't stop the badgering. And the doctors and nurses should give them no info if you haven't put them on the list. Its a HIPPA violation.

Right now they are pushing you away because you won't do it their way. So is setting some boundries going to make it worse?
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goodson65 Oct 3, 2018
No.... you are spot on JoAnn. I thank you most graciously. God bless.

This evening I received two emails from both my sisters that remain in denial of my Mom's disease making up lies and harassing me stating the facility is "sub par" and I am "negligent" and that they don't like the staff or anything. I spent the better portion of 15 years 5 miles from my Mom caring for her needs as a companion and confidant since my Dad died. She use to complain that they never stopped by.... which was true. One of my sisters would call me knowing I was driving my Mom to her children's sporting events and would insist my Mom wear something nice and not some shaggy yard clothes. My Mom would get so upset that she would call me and ask that. I sorta got along with their snarkiness just to see my niece and nephews who I love dearly. I never married and at 55 I have a wonderful relationship with all of them until my sisters told them all to stop communicating with me. My sisters are trying to undermine the settling in of Mom to memory care through constant visiting her and harassing the staff and harnessing email to me now. I asked them not to call or text me as they are very rude on the phone and via email unless it's a family medical emergency. After tonight's barrage of email I am tempted to have them contact me via US Mail only.
I guess I could just end it and get a no contact order on both of them. I'm pretty upset but trying to take the high road and ignore their emotions that they are taking out on me.

I dunno. I have talked to all of my Mom's sister in laws and brother and they are behind me in having my Mom in a nice memory care facility. None of these places are well oiled machines but in my opinion the staffs do the best they can. Thanks
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Thanks cwillie. I've been told the same thing as you mentioned about it not being a democracy and anything is a gift. I'm told I'm too nice but it stresses you out trying to be a peacemaker and knowing you make the right decisions based on care needs and the diseases control on your loved one.

I send out group emails but my sisters want me to include their husbands and I only want to include my brother and two sisters. They get so mad when I don't include their opinionated husbands.

Thanks again... cool squirrel.
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Unless the POA names you and your sibs (and/or their spouses) jointly you don't have to listen to anything any of them say, all decisions are yours alone to make, as is all the responsibility to handle your mother's affairs exactly as she would have done herself if she was able. That said, just because your brothers-in-law are not blood kin doesn't mean they haven't developed a bond with their MIL, and realistically they and your sisters are going to likely have the same opinions and back each other up. You, however, don't have to subject yourself to any nasty comments - make it clear that this isn't a democracy, any information you share with them is a gift and not their right and that you will cut them off if it doesn't stop - to save yourself from the aggravation you can always send out group email updates but delete replies unread and screen your calls.
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He's been real passive aggressive over the years. You just get tired of it. Appreciate it. I have consulted with the elder care atty and they say i need to stay the course as what is the best care for my Mom. Try to get along.
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I'd take your paperwork to an attorney for a consult to see where you stand and for your options. You shouldn't have to deal with this. What the hey is wrong with the man? Bizarre.
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