Although never a hateful man, he was most decidedly a product of his generation. Adherence to gender roles: women tended the home and kids, were supposed to ALWAYS look their best, and men went to work. He had to have things "explained" to him over the years, and became somewhat less of an a**hole. Now in his dotage, antiquated mindsets are reverting. Please, help me with some gems of patience and coping.

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That’s dementia for you. That’s the only gem you need. It’s not fair to him, or to you, to have expectations based on who he was in the past.

Distract, divert, ignore.
Helpful Answer (23)
Reply to AnnReid
watercolor Mar 27, 2020
Thank you. I needed that reminder.
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They lose their filter. People who never showed racism will now come out with racial remarks out in public. For some sex becomes a topic. And that sweet little old lady who never cussed is using the F word. Their brains are all scrambled, for a better word. You are going to have to just let it go. No trying to reason with him is going to work. My Dad would have been 93 this year. Until the day he died he felt Mom was there to do his bidding.
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Reply to JoAnn29
elaineSC Mar 28, 2020
Great response.
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Say to yourself "this is the lizard brain, not my real, evolved dad" each time he says something dumb.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

My dad died with Alzheimers and now my husband has it. My dad was unbelievably the opposite as the disease progressed. Thankfully, we do have people who become aides and medical professionals who have loads of empathy. It is their calling in life...I'm learning from them. You treat the disease, it is the disease that causes the behavior. Give yourself a hug, easy to do by putting each hand on the opposite shoulder...and know your loved one would give that hug if he/she could.

Do you remember the Allstate ad many years ago that the real large hands, and a person (very small) was inside those hands? Well, I use that illustration to remind myself that "I'm in good hands with God." and I'm resting in His care.
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Reply to LNReason

I didn't really encounter this with my LO, but, I did encounter a loss of filter once.
Back just before we realized it was dementia, my LO lost her filter. One time I had to LAUGH when the extended family (25 people) was gathered for Thanksgiving dinner and had WAITED for an hour for a certain couple who are ALWAYS late to arrive. I had said a few choice words about it too, as we stood around pacing, texting, etc. When they showed up apologizing, my LO, who had lost her filter, says in matter of fact tone,"You should be sorry. You've held up the meal. We ARE HUNGRY. And, Cousin Sunny says, you do it all the time! Why can't you get to places on time? Huh?" The couple was more shocked than me. I coughed, changed the subject and laughed ON THE INSIDE! lol
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Reply to Sunnygirl1

Dementia slowly steals the person who was in control of their tongue and guarded their thoughts. If they continue to live thru all stages, before speech is lost entirely, all they will have left is music, cussing and racial slurs all housed in the last part of the brain to go. Be kind you still have the capacity to control yours, he has lost his. Taking offense at the words of a brain sick man is a problem only you have to deal with, grow as he slowly goes!
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Reply to Lisa9la

What I’ve come to understand is my mother, who is 95 with CHF and dementia, never was nice. That person we all thought she was was actually a very well finessed “Betty White” impression. We saw her real self at home but when she was at family gatherings, she had a sweet and friendly disposition. As she aged, the nice became less and less. Well, with the dementia her Betty White persona went out the door. Then the dementia took it to a new dimension of mean, nasty, and combative. Quetiapine calmed her down and has taken the edge off. I wished, as her only caregiver, I had known about this option sooner. I’m hoping with time we can tweak the dosage to do even better.
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Reply to Cottony

My mom's fliter is shot. I don't know if she is just now letting whatever she's thinking just fall out of her mouth and she ALWAYS felt this way (angry, mostly, and VERY judgmental) or if she's just running her mouth and doesn't take anyone else's feelings into consideration.

I just opt to believe she's just getting more dementia, despite what her CG (my YB) says. Otherwise, it's too hurtful to spend any time with her, she's kind of mean.
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Reply to Midkid58
BeckyT Mar 27, 2020
My real Dad was a very conservative Methodist minister. We used to get in trouble for saying shoot or darn when we were kids because it meant we wanted to say the real words. So when he started cussing, our jaws dropped to the floor. It was the disease. So, no, I don’t think it’s something she would normally say. It’s the disease and only the disease. Hang in there and try to keep a sense of humor - it’s the only way I made it through.
My mom doesn't have dementia - yet - but also adheres to this cultural norm. Sadly, she was the victim of abuse from my alcoholic father. She separated from him over 30 years ago. It wasn't until last year that she actually divorced him - to protect her financial assets. She still defers to every man that is in her life and chides me when I tell her that she shouldn't do this.

Consider that they are stuck in the "Archie Bunker days". Your dad knows you are caring and competent. He does not remember culture has progressed from that time. If he says please, thank you, you look nice... take them as the compliments that they are. When conversations get "tough" or "weird", I try to change the subject.
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Reply to Taarna
Dosmo13 Mar 28, 2020
Wow, are we an insensitive lot when "please", "thank you" and "you look nice" are taken as offenses! The "Leave it to Beaver" days were of a different culture... almost as different as some habits and attitudes of other nationalities that cause "tolerant" young Americans to cringe. People are basically, irrevocably, a product of their upbringing, but they learn to make adaptations as they mature. I only hope that when I'm 95, and I unconsciously slip into outdated speech, those who care about me will cut me some slack.
If this behavior is new, then chalk it up to his not realizing what he is doing.. Think of him as a very sick loved one.

Grace + Peace,

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Reply to OldBob1936

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