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My wife needs assistance 24X7 and I am getting too old to help her. These assisted living facilities would be too costly and separate us!!

I agree with Barb about the attorney, and also suggest you call the Area Agency on Aging in your area or the State Dept of Aging. They can suggest resources for you to lighten your load. A home care helper could do most of the errands you're doing now.

Incidently, some ALF have shared rooms where a couple can reside together. Many also don't charge extra for the spouse.
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JoAnn29 May 27, 2021
They may not for the room but they will for each of their care and he seems to need it as much as her.
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With your wife's diagnosis she would qualify for Hospice.
You would get the equipment that you need to safely care for her so you do not hurt yourself. A Sit to Stand or a Hoyer Lift would save your back, legs, knees. If you do not want Hospice her doctor could order the equipment that is needed. The big advantage with Hospice is you would have a CNA that would come in several times a week to bathe your wife, order supplies and do some light housework if needed., You would also be able to request a Volunteer that could come stay with her while you get out and get some things done for yourself. A Volunteer can also do some light housework as well. (some laundry, take out the trash you just need to talk to the Nurse that would be assigned and tell them what you need.) You would also have a Social Worker that you could talk to about some of these issues and concerns.
I agree with the others to consult with an Elder Care Attorney.
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disgustedtoo May 28, 2021
Hospice can certainly bring in some help, both medical equipment and personnel.

Depending on income, OP and/or wife may qualify for in-home assistance through Medicaid. SW with Hospice may be able to point them where they can get help with applying (or even review to see if they are in the income bracket.)

A definite yes on at least a consult with EC atty. Some offer a free initial consult (limited time, so have all questions drafted, take notes and see several who might offer a free consult.)
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If something happened you first, your wife's care would probably require NH care if living with relatives is no an option. However it sounds like you need some help now.

Is there a child/grandchild who has one working spouse and would be interested in living with you? Make a deal - the stay a home spouse cares for her and in the end they get the home to live in or sell by way of Lady Bird deed (aka transfer on death deed). Then house transfers immediately upon death, never part of the estate/probate - other heirs can only fight over what remains in estate. Such as other property, personal items, etc.

Explain your dilemma to your doctor and ask if your current health conditions would qualify you to meet medical needs of a NH. Both of you could go now. You'd have help with her care, you'd be in same room together, and you'd have your own needs taken care of. Assisted living is very expensive and not everyone has the money for that kind of facility care. Do what you can afford and would allow you to stay together.

Or sell the house and use that to pay for assisted living for as long as it lasts. Most of those facilities will help you apply and transition over to NH (possibly Medicaid) when the money runs out. Whatever you do, don't hang on to a house just to leave it to relatives that aren't currently helping you. Many people save all their life for 'old age' and then hesitate to use it for that because they want to leave something for their kids. Use it to live out your days getting the appropriate help you need.
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If you pass first your wife will get the larger of the two SS amounts. When Dad died Mom’s SS payment was raised to be equal to what his was. The same applies to you if your wife passes, you will receive the larger of the 2 amounts.
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You need someone like a trusted family member, a social worker from your State’s Dept of Aging, or an elder care lawyer to help you. Please seek counseling because there is little anyone on this forum can do to directly help you.
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Social security is determined by whichever spouse receives the highest payout. You do not receive yours and 1/2 of your spouse’s income. Since his is higher - you would receive his $1600 and lose yours entirely. In this case the dollar figure is the same however for many who are living on both incomes, death results in loss of one.
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JoAnn29 May 28, 2021
If ur talking to me there are two ways to look at this. When I received SS my DH was already receiving his. I was told then that basically because I was already receiving half of his from my work experience that mine would drop off and I would receive his upon his passing.

But another poster explained it differently. I worked and was receiving 800 which was already half of DHs. Upon his death, I keep my 800 and get 50% of his which is also $800 which still comes up to the 1600. This is how it was described to a recently widowed cousin.

If my husband had been making 2000 a month my 800 would have been brought up to 1000.
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See an Elder Care Attorney for a consultation. I paid $250 for great one hour consultation. Told me what aid we qualified for and how to go about it. See if your wife is eligible for care in an Assisted Living Facility>
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Immediately seek the input of experts and start researching Medicaid and other options. You cannot wait and there is no way to get more money. There are ways to handle these issues but the pro's have to become involved. I am sorry you are going through this. I wish you peace and good luck.
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Until you can explore all the options (EC atty, Medicaid, Hospice, ALs, etc), is there enough income to at least hire some part time help, to assist you (or rather her)? If they can do the "heavy" lifting, bathing, etc, that relieves you from the grueling work. Preparing meals should be easier when you have another person keeping tabs on her and helping her. If possible or necessary, hire someone, also part time, to come do any heavy cleaning or laundry.

Also, take advantage of having a person watching over your wife to get some "ME" time, even if it's just a walk, drive to pickup some take out or sit in a park for half an hour. You DO need to take care of you as well.
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Reply to disgustedtoo
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If you do not have sufficient resources and both need care, you may have to apply for Medicaid placement in a facility. I do not know if Medicate could place you somewhere together
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