As her caregiver, how do I work through my resentment & anger with my mother?

I too was my moms caregiver. The anger you feel is the same as I felt. Sister and brother lived a good distance away, but gave me 1 week a year each to take care of mom. It wasn’t enough to be honest.
My anger at them for not calling or sending cards the other 51 weeks finally came to a halt. A very dear friend made me realize I couldn’t change them or their ways. I had to change my thinking and understand that I was doing for mom what I needed to do. Once I could “accept” my siblings for who they are, my anger diminished.
It’s not and was not easy. But I’m much happier and so is mom.

Hire a caregiver to come in and do the help. When you visit, then you’re truly able to visit and enjoy her company. Don’t rely on family. These days, people are very selfish. But each of us will get older and be in the same situation as your mom. Let’s see where your family will get their help when the tables are turned.

Let this be said.......Your siblings are selfish fools.......now that it's been said.....throw it away....they will never change because it's who they are. You are doing the work of angels and saints. I know sometimes you don't feel like a saint, but you are. I, too, am a caregiver (full time 24/7) to an 89 year old amputee with mild cognitive impairment, legally blind with a hearing deficit (extreme). There are times I feel it's more than I can cope with. You are doing an amazing thing and your reward is in knowing you are right. It's not Mom's fault or yours....it just IS.
Take heed in knowing there are others like you. Many Blessings.

It's hard not to be resentful. It's a lot of work to support our elders.

Give up on being upset with your family. They don't want to help and that's their right. Leave it alone.

I think you have burn out. Find help for your mom ASAP, whether she likes it or not. Spend time with her a daughter instead of a caregiver.

JMAdeloye: Prayers sent.

“ I am extremely upset with other family members for not helping or even going to visit with her (even when I have asked)”

Please try to let this go. Not for them but for you. It will consume your emotional energy.

I don’t know how far you travel, how long it takes, or how hard the chores, if you are at peace with your CONTRIBUTION you will be fine regardless of what your siblings do. The smallest chore is too much when it is done with resentment and anger.

You are looking at your siblings with anger and contempt…yes. But also jealousy.
They made a different decision than you. Perhaps it was because they had a different relationship with your mother than you did?
Perhaps they don’t want to spend time with you?
Perhaps they have personal issues in their lives they aren’t comfortable sharing…or abandoning.
Shockingly perhaps …but it is not your place to judge.
Stop trying to control others actions and focus on your own..
YOU decided to be moms everything. Along with your moments of anger you have had moments of joy and peace and contentment. Along with their feelings of relief from the burden they have had moments of guilt and sadness and regret. Let it go.
You can choose again when it is time. some people live long lives. Lives past their ability to care for themselves. It isn’t anyone’s fault. You have chosen to help her through the last years. Others have not. It is your choice. Again, you can choose again. When you are tired, it is the correct and safest action to find mom caregivers/housekeepers/facility care that relives you from the burden.
Going to visit her will be a wonderful thing. To simply be her daughter. Much more important than being her housekeeper….please let that sink in. A housekeeper is also a wonderful thing. However, a daughter is a true blessing. For awhile you can be both but sometimes we can only be one. It isn’t a failure to choose being a daughter. It is not a failure…it is a decision.

I am unclear if you actually asked your siblings for help and told them you are burned out. Perhaps they are more willing than you realize and you could set up some sort of schedule for them to help. If I am wrong, then you will need to hire some help just to give you relief. You obviously love her and don’t want to feel resentful. Holding on the resentment is like holding on to a hot coal, only burning you. You are merely human and need some relief.

Pretty much, what you see now is what you're going to get. You won't ever understand them in regard to this matter. Never. It's hard to avoid the anger. It's very hard to not hold resentment when you handle all the needs and their lives just roll along as usual.

From another point of view, it is very easy as a caregiver to believe these other people KNOW that you could use some help. That isn't the case, though, with people. Some have to be directly asked for a specific thing before they do it. They are not going to obligate themselves. So, if you haven't done so, try the direct approach with certain tasks. Get them all on a conference call or send a group email--- I need a little help. Could we work together to share some of the tasks at mom's house? I usually go on Tuesday to (wash clothes) and Thursday to (vacuum/dust). Maybe we would take turns on doctor appointments. She is really slowing down and can't manage all this on her own - and seeing you all more often would be wonderful for her.

It's very possible, be prepared, for the siblings to finally lay it on the line for you. If mom can't manage on her own, it's time to go to a nursing home. As I said, be prepared to be able to say thanks and hang up. Do not engage any further than that. There are people who will not take care of an elder person and no amount of arguing will change that. You'll be the only angry one. My guess is, you probably already know which sibling(s) will step up and which ones won't. The signs were always there if you think back, but you just didn't think about it before now.

If you get no help, then it's time to sit down and figure out the finances. Can mom afford to get a housekeeper once a week to do the big stuff. Maybe mom can continue with the little things like just keeping dishes washed up and counters wiped off. Get groceries delivered to her door - get her a wagon on the front porch for delivery people to put groc in and it's easy to roll into the house.
If you can free up some of your time for little things, you can have more actual visit time with her.

If mom has no finances for any hired help - when you have the family phone call, ask if they would consider pooling a little money to pay for some things you do. Those that won't physically help may go for that. Telling them that you will have to hire some help (if mom has money) may also generate a little flicker of light in regard to that golden cash pot called inheritance. Lots of kids out there don't want mom to use her money for medical or elderly needs so that might encourage a little assistance from them.

Try to avoid letting this ruin your relationships with them. If you continue to help mom, think of all the precious time you will have with her. They are the losers. And in the end, at least one of them will say out loud: I wish I had spent more time with her and you can say she really would have liked that.

Remember your mom will be dead one day and you will never see her again. I lost my mom about 2-1/2 years ago and though the trauma of losing her has diminished I miss her every single day. You are very fortunate your mom is able to think. My mom could not due to the slow ravages of Alzheimer's. The last five years of her life I had to be with her 24/7. She became 100% dependent on my care. I was her total life support. Even before that five years I had to be with her most of the time. I dealt with mom's Alzheimer's for 15 years. Mom lived to be 90 years, 3 months and that INCLUDES insulin-dependent diabetes. It was not her Alzheimer's that killed her but other comorbidities that even if she were a walkie-talkie she would have died anyway from kidney and liver disease (chronic kidney disease for 10 years). TWO YEARS on hospice. They provided me supplies which was very helpful. But I still did all her care. I used hospice like a walk in clinic for labs, routine medications (insulin and lopresser), and they even wrote scripts for test strips and accucheck machine. She got so bad I could not take her to the doctor anymore, but she was still medically managed well but I had to run the show. I fired two hospices until I found one I liked. Yes she was DNR but that does not mean I can't treat her for other medical needs like UTI.

I had to bathe my mom for years. I did not mind because mom was the center of my universe and she was the only person I ever loved.

Caregiving is very hard and it is frustrating, and it gets worse as she gets more infirm. You need to get educated what to expect and how to meet their needs. This includes bowel and bladder care. When mom's Alzheimer's was so bad I had to make certain she had a bowel movement every Tues, Thus and Sundays. I had her bowels down to a science. And you MUST make certain private areas are CLEAN or your loved one will get a urinary tract infection. If you cannot deal with this, then it is time to look into a nursing home and estate planning.

I was very fortunate I knew how to manage my mom's physiological needs. It is VERY HARD WORK.

Family members are going to expect one person to do the care. But you DO need to see an estate planning attorney--trust me it will save you a LOT of heart ache because your own family will become your worst enemy if you do not do estate planning. You want to have the house, properties, monies, etc., OUT OF PROBATE, and preplan a funeral or cremation because funeral homes WILL take advantage of your grief.

Mom died very peacefully and her skin was in perfect condition.

Please--PLEASE--get estate planning done while she is able. Establish power of attorney and a trustee. Get a Will done. Keep EVERYTHING out of probate.

You probably feel resentment and anger since you are getting burnt out. Start lining up - dates and times - volunteers from family, friends, members of your faith group,,, and paid helpers to take some of the load off of you.

First and foremost, you need to take care of YOU. Everyone who has replied has some valuable suggestions and ways to get additional help/resources for your mom, and relieve you of the day to day you do for her out of love. I have watched and been to numerous senior care seminars and the message about taking care of you is always mentioned. You should never have any guilt for what you have or haven’t done, since you did the best you could. My mom is now in AL, there is no way she could have remained in her home alone, as she was a fall risk (severe arthritis as well). Yes it’s changed her independence routine, but she still has that in a different way where she is now. And more peace of mind for my sister and I as there is someone there if she needs the help. And yes, make sure there is a Will, Trust, and POAs in place, those will be your saving grace someday when she passes. You have a huge heart and I’m sure your mother appreciates you!

This has been an incredible read. Thank you so much for asking this. I don’t know that I have anything constructive to add.

I miss mother-daughter time. It has morphed into mother-servant time, with too many shades of mother-caregiver time.

In the last few years, I have become more negative and pessimistic. I have my doubts my mother misses daughter time since she gets all her needs met and doesn’t have to pay someone.

Call your siblings ASAP. Tell them you are exhausted and need help. Tell them they need to cover at least 3 months of care, so that you can recoup. Tell them that they have a week to organize their schedules and then leave it to them to step up.

Mom hires and pays for someone to come in and clean a few times a month. You or she can do light housecleaning the rest of the time.
Laundry can be sent out or the person that comes in to clean can do a few loads as well.
You can not expect others to help out, it would be nice but if you lower your expectations you will not be as disappointed.
So if you reduce what you are doing for mom to mostly driving her to appointments that is less on you.
Once your siblings discover that mom is spending money that may "eat into their in heritance" they might decide that helping out is not such a bad thing.