I ask the nurse who runs the assisted living to call me, (or I leave a note asking if my mother's mental state is affected), but I get no response at all. It's very upsetting that nobody will talk to me about her personality changes & occasional cruelty to me. I don't know if this is typical, or caused by depression (or side effects of a pill?) So I feel unsure about visiting again, since it takes me 3 days to recover from her episodes, (which are not predictable). I can't go on like this, but I'm the only one she has left. Any ideas? I'm desperate. Thanks.

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I think that it is (sadly) SO COMMON for elderly folks to be crabby and negative as part of the aging process---caregivers just kind of blow it off. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when unkind things are said to you, but maybe you need to take a step back. And, some people are simply mean.

Do you feel that if someone in charge saw your mother treating you badly, you'd feel vindicated? Do you share this with other family members and they ignore you or call you a liar?

My MIL hates me. Not "kind of dislikes" but HATES with all capitals. She was so sneaky for so many years, pulling me aside to drop some bomb on me--I tried to turn to my DH for support and he would not believe me. She kicked me out of her life about 10 years ago--YEAH! I do not speak to her, I don't call her, I don't expect ANYTHING from her, ever.

She finally shot herself in the foot last year when she got into a huge fight with my DH and his brother. DH was deeply wounded by the cruelty, BIL simply walked away and has not been back to see her for almost a year. He intends to never speak to her again.

Having my DH aware of what I had gone through for 40+ years helped, in the end. He's not really speaking to her right now, and it's fine. She's a sick and twisted individual--which I always KNEW, but finally having some "power" in this case, really helps.

My own mother and I have not got a good relationship. She ins't mean, she's simply not "there". Doesn't care about me or my family. Her loss.

You have the upper hand. When things get rough, just walk away. Don't GIVE mom the power to even hurt you. When my MIL was getting bad, I would walk away.
While it helps, somewhat, to have support and acknowledgement for unkind behavior, don't hold your breath waiting for it. Don't walk back into a situation that makes you feel disrespected or hurt. Just because someone is old does not give them carte blanche to be mean.

FINALLY my DH 'gets it'. Until he was the object of scorn, he couldn't see what I was talking about.
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Do you see the nurse when you visit? Do you see any of the staff? Approach them and voice your concerns. They can’t ignore you if you’re standing right there. You should be having Care Conference meetings every 3 months. That’s a rule. You should also be able to call a meeting whenever you have questions. Do you have Medical Power of Attorney and are you on her HIPPA form? If so, then there is no reason why they shouldn’t talk with you. Go to the nurse’s office and wait for her to come in or have them page her.

If the Assisted Living has a parent company, call them to complain that there is a total lack of communication.

As as far as the visits go, if she is in a foul mood, don’t stay. If a visit negatively affects you for several days, why do you stay? How often do you visit? I understand that you would feel guilty not visiting. However, you don’t need to tolerate her cruelty aimed at you.
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