On Dec. 12 of this year, my dad had a minor stroke. That is when I began care giving. My sister and I both took care of my dad, but my sister went home to her house most nights whereas I went home to my house 1 or 2 nights every 3 weeks or so. Dad passed away on May 30th, just 2 hours after his 93rd birthday.
Mom began having more health issues the day of the funeral. Since then shes been in the hospital 6 times, 5 for CHF and 1 time for a minor heart attack. In October she had a cardioMEMs implanted and I've been able to keep her out of the hospital since.
I gave up my home and moved in with mom in August. My kids are grown so I had been living alone for several years. Prior to that I was severely disabled hardly able to walk and had both hips replaced after 7 years. I still need to have back surgery per the doctors.
So I moved from a 3 bedroom house into 1 room at moms with the majority of my belongings put into storage and the rest into mom's basement.
My mom and dad are beautiful people both inside and out, but since my dad's passing, it's gotten really hard to communicate with mom. When she has CHF or when her blood count is low, it becomes impossible for her to walk and I have to lift her, otherwise she is able to. However, she will only walk to the bathroom and back - everything else I take care of, from taking care of her meds, to getting her water and meals, to helping her wash, taking care of all medical treatments, etc. She will call me in there just to lift the foot of the recliner higher. We have different sleeping patterns and since August I have only slept through the night 2 times. It isn't anything for her to wake me up at 2 or 3 in the morning because she can't work the TV remote or because she can't sleep and wants something to help. My dad treated her like a princess for the 67 years they were married and did absolutely EVERYTHING for her (dishes, laundry, etc. Everything). So needless to say, she is completely spoiled and expects the same treatment from me and sis.
My sister comes over for about 4 hours during the afternoon, but that is during the time that mom is usually napping, which leaves all the work still to me. She does take her to all her doctor appts and does the shopping for me. I've left the house 2 times since I've moved in, both times when I've had doctor appointments myself.
Mom expects me to be out in the living room with her from the time my sister leaves until I go to bed and then she gets mad when I do go to bed and leave her by herself. And when I'm not out there, I'm constantly cleaning or taking care of things for her. But I have my own medical issues and my doctor has told me that it is imperative that I get more sleep and take care of myself better. When I try to talk to her about this, she always turns it back to herself telling me how her and dad took care of my grandma (mom's mom) for 20 years and was never unhappy about it. But mom had dad during this time and he was very good with her and waited on her as well. My dad was an incredible man.
I'm exhausted. I haven't even had time to grieve over my dad's passing. Mom keeps telling my sister and I that he was her husband so her grief is more important than anyone else's. I'm lonely. I've given up all my friends and doing anything for myself. I don't even bother to put makeup on or try to look good anymore during the day like I used to. And I know that I am very depressed. Whenever I try to go into my room to have time for myself, mom has to know what I'm doing and unless I'm working (I was a transcriptionist until I moved in) I should be out there with her. I cannot stand watching the news all day, every day. It makes me too nervous.
She keeps telling me this is my home too, but when I started packing up the closets in my room she told me I was so unsentimental because I was packing up some of Gramas and Dads things. So I'm living out of boxes instead of having an actual bedroom.
Am I just being selfish? I feel so guilty