As a caregiver, is anyone else resenting a mother they love so much?

I hate to say it but this is the progression I most often see, almost as if a natural progression.
You become not a daughter but a caregiver, responsible for all decisions and resented for that as well. Many say that placement of a loved one allowed the person who was sadly forced to do it to return to being a spouse or a sister or a daughter.

If your Mom is 80 and taking chemo (something I at 81 just refused as I won't be doing those measures at my age) then she is not very likely to be up for helping you much, and that would be the case at her age, and were she only 35.

Have you and your mom had any discussions about her wishes ongoing given her diagnosis, and about how hard she wishes to fight for more life. Some, like me (an old retired RN) are not interested in more quantity if the price is quality of life.

I think you need to have honest discussions with your Mom. There really isn't any way around that. It may be time to understand that while your intentions are good you don't wish to be a 24/7 caretaker. I do know that you know the path forward is going to be even more rocky than the one you are now on. My life as an RN did teach me that I would never have been capable of 24/7 care for anyone.

I surely wish you the very best. Honor your mom's wishes going forward. She has had a long life. She may be ready to face the end of it with excellent medications and a good palliative care or hospice team, or she may be a real fighter and want to do everything modern medicine has to offer. The choice should be HERS and HERS ALONE, and you should be supportive of that choice whichever she decides.

My heart goes out to you. Remember that skirting around these issues is going to frustrate you until you explode into ill words, ill health or both.

My mom is very stubborn and she was In a facility for a short while. I think a facility would be great in the sense of activities with people her own age but I know she won't go unless she is forced. She's always been a wonderful mother, and honestly, that makes things harder for me. My mom ignores problems and hope they will go away, which makes it hard to talk to her. I do get great support from my husband and he helps me every chance he can, without me asking. He also is great therapy when I get frustrated at my mom. I have good days and bad days, but my mom will not ask me what's wrong because she doesn't want to address any problems with me being a caregiver, she just hopes I can keep doing it. Recently my mom told my husband she thought I was unhappy and wanted to go home. My husband and I have assured her many times that we're not going nowhere, we have given her no reason to think that. I believe it's possible that the depression she sees in me at times, makes her think this. The day after she told my husband this, she fell twice but I am 99.9 percent sure they were fake falls trying to make sure we didn't leave her. I say this because the 2 places she fell in the house, there was no possible way for her to land on her back without positioning herself. Actually, items were moved so she didn't knock anything over. I would never call her out on this, but I did plant seeds about bringing a caregiver in if it happened again. I can't do the cry wolf and I did not appreciate her doing this to me. I know she is capable because she did something like this years ago. Her 2nd fall that day was in the bathroom, she was on her potty chair with a locked wheelchair right in front of her and the bathroom counter to the right of her, it was tight quarters, somehow she fell in the closet to her left. There was no possible way for her to fall into the closet, far back in the closet she was laying on her back. I mentioned to her how serious her fall was especially with so many things to grab. Her response was, you don't understand, I just went limp. Well if that's what happened she would have fallen straight down or sideways on her arm. I didn't argue with her, but I knew she had to actually walk inside the closet and lay down. I appreciate you talking to me, it feels good to get some of these things off my chest.

YES. I resent my mother so much. Even though my situation is much less difficult than yours. Don’t feel bad for having those feelings. But DO start to put yourself first. I turn the baby monitor off at night, because mom’s snoring wakes me up. Whatever it is, it will have to wait until morning. Get a respite caregiver. It’s not a choice, it’s the way it has to be. And when the caregiver shows up, get out. Go for a walk or see your friends or go shopping, whatever it is. You have to survive this. You matter, please start treating yourself that way. And welcome. This forum is one of the strings holding me together these days; I hope it is for you too.

At 79 with a broken arm and battling cancer she may not be able to do as much as you think she can/should, and she may also have reached a point where she's just too tired physically and mentally to try. IMO this isn't about you being taken advantage of it's about learning to set reasonable boundaries and living within them. If you need more help hire more help, or consider having her live in a place with more help.

You have taken on a really hard job. It's going to get harder.

I hope you can start taking steps to get back your life. As for your husband, I've read so many posts on here where the spouse becomes angry and leaves. Keep that in mind and start planning your exit.

Stop babying her. If you refuse to help with things that she can and should do, she might do them. If not, you need to start talking assisted living or a skilled nursing facility. That might change her tune.

Also, you could turn off the baby monitor. Tell her you're going to turn it off and insist that she tell you what she's going to need for the next two hours. Then off you go to the other end of the house for peace and quiet! If she needs something, she can wait.

I hope you manage an escape soon.

You are correct when you say that your mother is
"taking advantage" of you and that you are in fact enabling her.
Have you tried having PT come to her house to work with her and get her more comfortable with her walker?
You need to have a heart to heart conversation with your mother explaining that you just can't keep on doing everything for her as it's starting to take its toll on you. At that time you can talk about other options for her care as well, like hiring full-time help(with her money of course)or moving into an appropriate facility where she will be around other folks her own age and hopefully eventually get to live and enjoy her life.
As long as you are the answer and the only option for your mother, things will never change. So it's up to you to put your big girl panties on and let your mother know exactly how you're feeling.
And quit doing so much for her. All you are doing is propping her up, and allowing her to live in a state of denial of all the help that she truly requires.
No child should have to give up their lives for their parents, no matter how much they love them.
And no parent should ever want that from their child/children, as it so very selfish.
Wishing you the best in having this difficult discussion with your mother, and getting your life back. You'll be glad you did.

I hate to hear this, so common of a post on this site. Makes me feel bad that caregivers give up so much of their lives for a parent.

I ask myself WHY? Why do this? Why not accept that she is no longer independent and that you are her crutch?

Has any consideration been given to placing her in a facility? She can be with people her own age, do activities and have 24/7 care.

It is no longer a matter of what she wants, it is a matter of what is best for her and ALL concerned.

I sure hope that you have her DPOA and a plan in place to move on with your life....just as it should be.

You are losing your life, years that you will never regain friends will be lost, nothing will be moving forward in a positive light.