As a caregiver, did I give up all rights to privacy?

Follow
Share

I quit my job to be a live in caregiver. I moved into a bedroom in my mom's house. My siblings feel they have the right to go into my room, through my closet and shelves. I have told them they arent welcome in my room, asked for them to respect my privacy. I was told I have no rights because it's not my house (I have been here 2 yrs). I have even been told that anything I brought in was a gift to mom and "fair game". Mom is terminal, they only started coming around in the last few months. She doesn't want them here. They show up unnanounced, in groups of up to 16, right after chemo. They have no regard for her or her immune system. What rights do I have, how do I make them understand them? When she asks me to send them a message, it causes issues, she backs down and I become the bad guy.

13

Answers

Show:
SiblingDrama, did your Mom by chance enable her children? I am not bashing on your Mom at all, as I'm a Mom of 4, and we all enale our kids to some degree, but when some kids have been spoiled beyond reason, there are even those who get into trouble with drugs, demanding money from their parents, and those children can become Real Pests, with NO Regard for their Parents feelings, and I certainly hope this isn't the case with your siblings and we see it All the time, here on this forum where one adult child is doing all of the caregiving for their parent while the others are the takers, but it does seem like they have such little regards to her health and her feelings, and Thank God that she has You in her Corner, fighting for what is Right!

Kesp on doing what you are doing, keep coming back here for strength and guidance, you are an Angel for caring so much for your Mom! Take Care!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to staceyb
Report
siblingdrama Aug 29, 2018
We were all raised the same. Actually in moderate to lower income levels. They somehow developed a sense of self-worth. I dont understand it. Thank you for the kind words. I have a hard time standing up for me, but, when they brought my kids into it, they hit the "mama bear" switch. I have started putting things in action to protect myself so I can continue go help my mom.
(1)
Report
Just wondering...where did you come from. Where are you in the line of siblings, the oldest, the baby. Did one of your parents have this entitlement issue? A bully? Just trying to wrap my mind around how these people are. No compassion for Mom. If Mom has nothing, what do they want? Some people can't get siblings to visit, you can't get rid of yours. 😊

So glad you have gotten the police involved. I would also tell Mom that she doesn't have to talk to her abusive children. If they disrespect her, then she tells them she is not listening to it and hangs up.

Isn't there someplace you two can go for a few days. Even if its just a motel for some peace and quite. Sit around the pool, soak up a little sun.

Just curious because this comes up a lot, did you ask your lawyer if your POA gives you the right to keep these people away from Mom?

When Mom is in the hospital or any facility, she has a right to not have certain people visit. If they try to and make a stink, security can't take them out of the building.

Please, come back and tell us how things are going.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
siblingdrama Aug 29, 2018
I am, to answer the order question, #4 of 6 with both same parents (abusive father). I also have 4 older 1/2 siblings and older 2 step siblings. The younger 2 were not exposed to as much of that as the rest of us... they are 2 of the 3 causing the most drama. One of the older ones just has a sense of entitlement for no reason I know of. For years the running fight was "you get mom, I wont deal with her" or "I dont want her you take her. " The worst was "If I ever get divorced, my husband gets mom, because I have done my time". Now they all act like this.

They live 5-9 hrs away. They have jobs, I dont know how they manage so much time off. I can now have them trespassed from the property, and get a protection order wich would keep them from causing trouble at hospitl. My problem is balance, I dont want to keep them from seeing her in the last of the time she has, I just have to figure out the bslance between kindness and chaos. Mom deserves their love and kindness, I have to take a stand to prevent her being exposed to the chaos. I believe she needs them, to give her strength to fight, until the fight becomes with them.

I hope that doesnt seem wrong of me, but I have been trying to show compassion while practicing tolerance. I have no strength left for either towards them. Forgive me
(2)
Report
Tell the siblings she has a highly contagious disease from the chemo, maybe C-diff, and can no longer have visitors.
Obtain health dept. flyers posting a warning.

Actually, investigate (maybe a hospital) the protocol for a patient with suppressed immune system, post instructions on the front door. Require only one at a time to suit up in a mask and gown to enter to visit Mom.

Call police if anyone brings 16 people fo visit-those are not "visitors", but sounds like a home invasion gang.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Sendhelp
Report
siblingdrama Aug 27, 2018
its a great idea but been there. when she was in hospital with a .4 white count they completely ignored those gowning and visitor restrictions. they truly dont think rules apply to them.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
You made a very noble and loving pledge to care for your Mother - this did not include physical and emotional abuse from your siblings! So glad to hear you contacted an attorney and the police and if there is ever another "assault" on you, immediately call the police and ask them to meet you outside (to avoid your Mother seeing them). The police will keep records and someday you may need them.

I pray for your wisdom and strength. Bless you precious one.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to dlpandjep
Report
siblingdrama Aug 27, 2018
thank you, bless you
(1)
Report
What good comes from letting them talk to your mother on the phone, it seems it is just another opportunity to badger her and cause grief. I think I would get rid of your mother's phone, tell her it is broken and you are working on it (not!) - as long as you have a phone in the house your mother doesn't need hers too. And if they say you are restricting access to her who cares!
(I'd also take pictures of all your belongings in case some go missing and look into adding deadbolts to all the entrance doors or at least changing the locks so they are not freely coming and going when they know you are out)
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to cwillie
Report
siblingdrama Aug 27, 2018
great ideas. I will take pics and work on more locks.
(1)
Report
I am so glad for this site. The response has been very reaffirming. I was starting to feel like I was losing my mind. My thoughts have been on mom and trying to keep her calm and address her needs. Somehow mine were not as important. Thank you all.

Last night I sent a group text to 3 siblings, it read:
Mom asked me to let everyone know she has company coming Monday the 4th, then Sept 13-16 and will be at the clinic all day Sept 12.
S1 replied: So we arent welcome on those dates! What, we need an appointment now?
S2 replied: I guess we all need to know in advance when we are going to come.
S3 replied: Is it fair to ask if those dates are when you are going to have your son show up with a trailor?
I dont even know where that came from, or why they feel the need to bring my kid into this (my son, btw, is former military and works in law enforcement). My siblings all live between 5 and 9 hrs away, so you would think advanced planning would be reasonable.
Its just a control thing. I failed to mention that as soon as S2 sent reply, she called mom and started badgering her because of the first text.
She had mom in tears. But mom finally caved and said they could do what they wanted, it didnt matter. I hate seeing her like that. Somehow, it wound up being my fault, for trying to let them know mom was busy.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to siblingdrama
Report

I hope you have DPOA and your Mom's Will is up to date. You need to change the locks on All of the doors leading into the house, and enforce the visitors schedule to whomever Mom wishes, depending on her energy level, and Make sure that nobody who is sick enters the house during her treatment, as she cannot afford to be sick right now! Demand respect for you and your Mom.

Call the Cops if necessary, and get Restraining Orders if people aren't respecting her and your personal belongings and your space, as you do live there, you are a resident, and this is now your home too, so you do have rights! 16 people is Way too Many!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to staceyb
Report
siblingdrama Aug 27, 2018
I spent time today onthe phone with an attorney consult follwed by an interview with local police. I now have a report on file. I will have them removed if necessary. I do care about mom, and really dont want to prevent anyone from seeing her. But this is not good for her, and I have to put an end to it.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
These people sound dangerous. I'd consult with an attorney about your rights. You may be entitled to a Restraining or No-Contact Order. That would keep them away from you and the place you are living. If your mom is still competent, she can make her own decisions, but, for her to continue to allow them around herself and you is scary. I might look for alternate job and residence. I would treat it as an emergency. Violence in the home, as you describe in your subsequent post, should always be taken seriously.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Sunnygirl1
Report
siblingdrama Aug 27, 2018
It is moms house, her and dad built it 30 yrs ago. I quit my job to care for her. I am done being walked on. I contacted an attorney and police today. I have to stop this, for mom.
(2)
Report
I agree withAhmijoy; the police need to brought in. First, on a day when none of your greedy relatives are over looking for things to "inherit" from your room, you and your mother need to see a lawyer. She needs to give you POA and probably write a very strict will. Then she can kick everyone out of her house, tell them to stop trying to kill her with stress and germs, and get their hands of your stuff. She probably won't SAY any of that, but if you can get her to give you POA and write and file a reasonable will, you can let the cops tell them that. I'm so sorry your family is so big and so awful. Neither your mother nor you deserves extra helpings of crap on your already heaping plates. Fight back with the law. They have absolutely no rights to anything of yours. And unless your mother leaves the house to one, two, or more of them, they have no rights to that either. (That argument about yuor stuff being a gift to your Mom and thus up for grabs would be laughed at in any court of law.) Your family is full of bullies: press charges when they endanger your mother's life, or yours.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to SFdaughter
Report
siblingdrama Aug 27, 2018
Thank you. Great advise. I am POA. Mom has nothing to inherit. The house has a reverse mortgage. Her car is broke-down. A lot has already vanished. But its just stuff, in the grand scheme of things. I love her and want to honor her wish to stay in the home. That is my goal, I dont want her final months to be full of drama.
(2)
Report
Siblingdrama, your sister is wrong. You DO have rights; human rights. The right not to be physically abused. And a good attorney. If he or she isn’t sure about a law, can do research and find the answer to help their client.

Who has been at your mom’s house so often, the police or your family? If it’s the police, then why haven’t you gotten a restraining order to keep them away? Your mom doesn’t want them there. They are, in effect, trespassing. I still don’t understand how they got into your room if the door was locked. That can be viewed as assault. Keep calling the police. If one of them ever threatens your mother, call Adult Protective Services and report a senior adult at risk.

You need to involve the law before you or Mom become seriously injured.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report
siblingdrama Aug 27, 2018
To clarify, the police have not been here yet. Its been family....I dont know how we all were raised by the same peopke, yet act so differently. Sort of want DNA to prove the "family" thing LOL
(1)
Report
Related
Questions