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My MIL (age 93) puts things away and can't remember where and then she accuses me of taking them. If I look through the many drawers she has in her room and find the missing item or card or letter behind me I hear "of course you found it, cause you know where you hid it." Now we are on to the taking money from her bank account accusations. Wants a history of all her savings from the 1960's to now. Wants to know where all her money they saved went. Strangely enough she seems so aware of so much and then not aware of other things. We have a geriatric team in place and there is a diagnosis of Vascular Dementia on her chart. We have started some medications to help her with the hallucinations but I don't think we are any where near the dose we need to be at yet. However her capacity to make her own decisions is still in question. One day she is truly not in her right mind and then she comes back to being somewhat normal. Makes it so hard to tell if it is the dementia or her personality disorder that is underneath all this. She doesn't like to sleep at night and stays up until all hours and sleeps in the day We have tried to get her to go to bed earlier and wake her up earlier but its hard. Dr is suggesting sleeping meds. Her accusations are very hurtful but especially to my husband (her son). She has lived with us for 2 years now and we have done everything to make her life here as pleasant as possible. She has lots of bladder incontinence and we wash many pairs of pants a day. She is a huge fall risk and she was sitting on her bed and slid right off a few weeks ago and smashed her face right into the dresser. Not a pretty look on her face after that. She has had several episodes of psychosis and has had many hallucinations since even before she was brought here. We are exhausted and fed up with all the insults. We have put her name on a crisis list to be admitted to a nursing home asap. She is aware now that she has to go if they call us (has refused 3 times before) and the episode two days ago was "call me a lawyer I need to change my will". Wants to give charity what money she has. She is angry with us I guess. We told her that we have the POA and that she cannot be doing this kind of thing. Today she is sitting quietly in her room and not saying anything about it. We can see the volcano starting to emit some smoke. (LOL) My poor husband is now filled with guilt over the nursing home decision because she is sitting so nice and polite. I said it's only a matter of time before we get hit with another episode. To be clear we don't want her money, we know we need to have it in her account to help pay for her long term care needs My husband is an only child and this weighs quite heavy on him. I am very concerned for his mental health. He is retired and I am working teaching music in our home. I have a few health issues that don't need this stress.

Encourage your husband in the decision, of course he feels bad. It is a really hard thing to do, but she doesn't get to ruin the peace if his home because she is his mom.

Some of the stuff she can't help, but some of it is her personality disorder, I can understand your frustration, my situation is the same with my dad, which part is the disease and which is just his ugly behavior. That played a big part in the decision to not let him live here, because the ugly personality only intensifies as the disease progresses and it is not something they can always help. But I couldn't live with the ugliness intentional or not, my husband and I both need our home to be peaceful and a refuge where we refuel and rest to deal with these issues.

Once she is done throwing her tantrum when she gets moved she will be fine. Your husband will truly appreciate having his home to go to so he can escape from her.

She needs a village at this point and you all are doing the right thing, even though it is the hardest thing to do.
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You are absolutely doing the right thing. Your MIL needs more 1 on 1 care than you can provide. If she were to stay in your home, things will only get worse. Her behavior will get worse (some can be controlled with medication) and her needs will continue to increase.
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