Severe burnout. Are we horrible if we keep in touch with her caregivers, so we know what's going on, but just stay away for a while?

My husband was super-attached to his family when we were first married, and beyond. The fact that he worked with them didn’t help. He traveled a lot, but when he was finally home for a weekend, he felt obligated to go do things for them. He was a son first and a husband and father second. A few years ago, he became disabled. When he could no longer work a full day, he was unceremoniously fired by his twin brother.

Sounds harsh, but you may need to give your husband the old “her or me”speech. Self-preservation and all that. I had to. Only I did it with his family. He has a mentally challenged sister and whenever mom and pop decided to travel, guess who had to “babysit”for her? And, she was more spoiled than anything else. Dealing with her tantrums was a nightmare and hubs didn’t help.

Your husband sounds like he needs someone to step up and say “that’s it”. That’s you. Good luck. Keep us updated.

Thoughts on my Answer above. Stick up for yourself. Find ways to cope. Please do not pull back and rely on calling the facility. A rogue facility can give themselves and your loved one a great report, i.e., everything is going well when they are falling everyday or constipated for two weeks, etc.

I'm sorry, I don't know how to do quotes, so I'll try to answer.

When I called her horrid, I didn't mean because of her mental issues she is currently experiencing. I mean because she has been hateful and self-centered and mean ever since I've known her, almost 30 years.

As of now, the UTI has cleared up and she is in the psychiatric ward due to hallucinations. I know we can't just stop visiting her now, I am hoping we can "take turns" so nobody goes every day.

And, she moved to live near us because she didn't have any family in the city where she lived most of her adult life. Also, she and her husband were in independent living and that facility had independent and memory care, no assisted living so she would have somehow had to have found a place to live and she couldn't have done that on her own.

Prodigal's Sister - I love your real name - made me LOL. I have always felt the same way about that story....(and I'm an only child...I have similar mixed feelings about Job - and gee, the destruction of his first family, but hey, it was all good, he got a SECOND family...)
BUT back on topic. Your husband could go before his mother. Seriously. He's cracking. He needs to take a break and it's absolutely fine for him not to see her for a while. I say this because when we are all getting desperate and burned out, we all sound more callous than we actually are - it's the survival mode moving in. Today, after I had something break all over the floor, and my dad called me on the monitor for a poop assist, and I realized I forgot to finish an assignment and missed a deadline for the best client in the world, I completely lost it. LOST. IT. And started telling my hubby, God, I just can't take this. I just pray PRAY for him to die in his sleep. And of course, I don't want him to die. I want to be free from the care. There are no openings in nursing homes that I would trust him in - NONE - in a 30 mile radius, so now looking at small residential nursing homes. But I'm burned out. In the midst of my sobbing, I talked about the fact that I've watched my career be shredded in front of my eyes - my career! That I have spent the last 30 years building! Because there's no way for me to focus, no way for me to concentrate or take on a FT position because I must Care For My Dad. (I'm writing this while I wait for him to finish up on side bed commode) And yet....all of this is because I'm simply worn out. I love my dad - and when I think about him eventually dying, it just breaks my heart. But I'm not allowed to be a daughter right now, I'm so mired in his complex care, that's all I get to do. And like your MIL, he's not particularly grateful nor loving most of the time. He's too busy scraping to stay on the edge of the cliff, and anything that isn't tied to that, he's not interested in. (I might be the same way) ... So don't let anyone question anything about the time your hubby is spending. He. Is. Burned. Out. He needs to get away, get some talk time in - or at least a beer in silence- and piece his brain together again. The fear of losing his job could kill him on its own. I know this. I spent this morning screaming in the garage over the same fear. Hugs to you. Oh. One thing I forgot - paying for private caretaker. Excellent idea. I DO have a CNA who comes in and is pretty and wonderful and perky, and she has saved my life. And made HIS life much better. A great idea. 

No more "calling out sick" for your hubby. His mom's taken care of in a facility. .

It does sound like your hub and you are burnt out, and his health could be compromised. As good as it is to visit, you have to look after yourself first (put your own oxygen in in an airplane before you help anyone else.)

I am a distance caregiver and only see my mother, who is now in an NH, a few times a year, but I am in close contact with the staff by phone, have met them all, and she is well cared for. I definitely recommend, as most here do, for you and hub to take some time off for mental and physical health reasons. Your hub will be no good for anyone if his health breaks down, and he and you must keep up with your own health care. His mother sounds narcissistic, and if you have lived with one you recognise it, and if you haven't, you won't. The solution is to set strong boundaries, or she will keep making unrealistic demands on your time.
The first issues I would work on are visits - cut back on them, take a few weeks break and then go back to a better schedule, and phone calls which need to be limited. Not all phone calls must be answered right away. They can go to voicemail.The staff will call you if there is a real crisis. I think your hub may need the help of a therapist to learn to set appropriate boundaries. Good luck and keep us informed.

We have arranged that I can stay with my Mother 24 x 7 in a very nice Senior Facility. I would have Mother home with me if I could. It is mostly Assisted Living here. Mother and I are in Independent Living. I am Mother's full time Caregiver. I feel bad for the Residents who do not have regular visits from family, whose families never have a meal here with their Loved One, who do not know day to day how their Loved One is doing. Left on there own, your loved one may not be eating balanced meals, drinking too little water, loading up on cakes and cookies. I keep focus on my Mother as I do not want to alienate staff against my staying here but sometimes I intervene on behalf of the resident i.e., getting help from other residents to get a lady to eat something besides salad for lunch and dinner - she wasn't getting protein or iron. Another lady who is my age and a resident here with a chronic illness took sick after a Catarac procedure. Her daughter took her to the procedure but didn't stick around with her for a few days after. The Nurses here caught her 1st illness after the procedure stemming from the procedure and then 2 days after she was back she had a sore throat. I called the Head Nurse over to see her with the residents permission. We haven't seen her here since and we can only think she is in hospital getting care. The point is your loved one needs you to show up, have meals with them at their facility, plan to have fun visiting them. Stay on good terms with the staff. Don't be confrontational. Be there some of the times they are getting medications. Your Loved One Needs You. If they are afraid their is a basis. Your LO needs assurances.

In a word, no, you are not horrible. Listen to the great advice and words of wisdom you have gotten here.

Big hug and good luck.

I can empathize with you and especially your husband and his walking around like a zombie saying “I don’t know”. 😏. That is how I get when I am burned out and overwhelmed. My brain just tries to shut down due to exhaustion from trying to solve a puzzle and fix a problem that I cannot fix. I spent the last 3 years striving to “fix” every problem that my mother could throw at me. She is in AL but as others have said, that does not stop the endless phone calls, complaints, demands and on top of that serious health issues, falls, trips to the ER etc. And somewhere in there trying to just get some quality mother daughter visits or outings that are not all centered around all that other stuff like dr appts and solving problems. Whew! Exhausting both physically and mentally for this 62 year old woman. And I am single. Don’t know how you others with families do it. To answer your question, I have struggled with setting boundaries and taking time for myself, stepping away when I need a day or two of downtime. I have heard others on here mention FOG syndrome, “fear, obligation, and guilt”. And how it can drive you to burnout if not careful. So I have been praying every day for wisdom to know when to step back and relinquish a little control. I hired a private caregiver for a couple hours 4 days a week and have stopped running over whenever mom calls. I have stopped trying to solve every problem she throws at me and instead just listen to her and sympathize. And guess what, doing this has actually benefited both me and my mom! She may still complain about me “never coming to visit” (1 or 2 times per werk instead of 4 or 5!). But Our relationship and times together are so much better. And I am so much less stressed and starting to take care of myself again. I still jump when I hear the phone ring, but The constant dread and anxiety I used to feel 24/7 has been reduced significantly! Don’t nag your hubby because this will only add to his stress feeling he is letting you down too. But do Encourage him that it is ok to step out of the FOG and that doing so may be best for him but also for his mother!

RE: "...when she found out her husband had died were, "What am I going to do now?" She is horrid."

NO, she is NOT horrid. That was the moment that she realized she was alone and that her DH was not coming back - that was the moment that she might have realized that now she had to do everything. It's called 'shock' and probably a lot of technical things.

Instead of thinking your mother was horrid - she needed hugging very much and often! I have witnessed this myself too many times. DH is berated for everything but becomes 'goodness personified' after passing. It's just the way the mind deals with grief and guilt. Nothing "horrid" about it.

RE: "me - me - me - me - me" - this is a very real fear about "how will I manage now that I'm alone". Think for a minute - most of these people went from Parents to Marriage. This is the first time the person is totally alone and sadly, aged and ailing.

I deal with the "me - me - me - me - me" by saying it aloud to my DH with a joke in my voice. Then he laughs. He can't help it - he needs help and that pretty much means a lot of "me-ism" (not a technical term - my terminology).

I lived alone for 10 years before meeting the love of my life - so maybe, just maybe, I will be a little better prepared for when he must leave me. And right now I'm having to deal with my chores, his chores, and not leaving him alone for more than 30 minutes at a time. There simply is no one else to call on so I am 24/7 with him.

However, back to your question - no, it is NOT horrible for you to stay away and call the caregiver. If you cannot handle the visit - then don't go. It won't help anyone if you fall apart. The above was just so you could see the other side of the coin.

Maybe you'll be able to see your mother again in the near future - I'm not God, I can't say.

Huggers to you.
Linda

ProdigalSister,

I'd step back from the situation and let my husband deal with his mother. His priority should be keeping his job unless you can live without his salary. It's really tough to find a job if you're over 50, even if you're a great worker with extensive experience.

My brother is alcoholic and sister alcoholic, drug user, lies, cheats, and anyone who gets to know her learns to avoid her. I was the stable, helpful, productive child all of my life, but mummy dearest is suspicious and paranoid of me.

Twice I rescued her medically. The first time I found her a good doctor to do her cancer surgery right away, then took care of her in my home for a month. The second time I took care of her after a bad fall so she didn't have to go into a nursing home--she couldn't drive or take her right arm out of sling for three months.

Neither brother nor sister called, visited or wrote after either episode.
She won't admit she needed help either time or appreciate what I did.

My siblings are her angels. Next time she needs help she can go into a nursing home. I'll be demonized for not helping her but I no longer care.

So I know what you mean about being Prodigal. Please take care of yourself.

Okay.

MIL is over 80 and has been living in her facility for 18 months.
She moved into the ALF because..? Was this shortly after her husband died, or was there another primary reason?
What are her underlying health conditions, not including the current acute uti?

Just trying to get a handle on whether you and husband could be looking at light at the end of the tunnel or the full twenty year stretch...

It's a matter of thinking through which battles to pick.

Prodigal, Please make sure your husband takes care of himself. Getting a doctor to check on this UTI and taking a break from 3x a week to one or 2 for awhile is maybe the thing to do. If you can get an additional caregiver to check up on her that would help as well. You do not want your husband to become ill from this stress, and he sounds like he is worried about his job as well. When my husband turned 50 he developed high blood pressure and a heart condition from stress with his family. There is nothing wrong with taking a little break once in awhile or taking a week here and there to cut back on one of the visits. My husband now has to deal with the heart problems for the rest of our lives. Please remember to take care of yourselves too.

I feel your pain. I, too had the MIL who was mean, hostile, and even spat on me, called me names, but always managed to look pure and innocent at church! It's been 40 years of misery! By the time my MIL went to an AL facility, she was 94, and I was more than ready to join her as a patient there! She continued to call my husband, but we contacted the AL facility, and said, "No phone calls fom her, EVER during working hours, and limit any calls to one call per weekend." We eventually slowed our visits to about once per month. (and that was still too many times!). She was awful. That being said, please promise me, you and your husband will form some healthy boundaries about her, and stop being her whipping boy!

Advice? Love yourselves. The Bible says to honor your parents, but nowhere does it say to be their doormat. Respect yourselves. You have earned the right to be loved.

Oh my - so very sorry :'( It sounds so familiar. Yes, it's ok to take a break. I had to when my mother became too abusive. Of course the nursing home social worker didn't like that. (I was told I couldn't just abandon her) And of course I wasn't abandoning her. My health (mental and physical) was at risk, and so is your husbands - and yours. Do take a break - please don't feel guilty about it. You're not horrible - you're human.

I don't know much of what is going on today, except she is being evaluated by the onsite doctor and then will go to a hospital for a psych exam. She might have to go to memory care before then, I don't know why. Hubby has mentioned that the UTI might not be cleared up, hopefully they'll recheck that.

Meanwhile, hubby is on the road driving 12 hours to a funeral. His boss told him to take off the time he needed which might just be 3 bereavement days. He's not off on Friday, but Wednesday is a vacation day so he might get this week off, just not as a vacation.

Concerning the Baker Act which I don't know much about. I read its an involuntary exam for Mental illness. If it is found that she needs more than an AL can give, won't the state put her in another facility? I wouldn't think they would expect family to take care of her with mental illness. May just use up any assets. she has then she will go on Medicaid? Just wondering.

You need to tell the Doctor that her UTI may not have cleared up. She may need another antibiotic. Don't expect the AL to be on top of this. Ask the doctor about a probiotic and cranberry tablet.
You think ur husband is "me, me" because he is worked about losing his job? I think he is justified in feeling this way. Companies don't tend to be sympathetic to taking to much time off. Is Mom able to call him at work? Maybe she and the AL should be told that no calls should be made to him and emergncy phone calls go to you. Then u can determine what is really important. I really don't think visiting 3x a week is too much but maybe cutting back for a while would give him time to relax and help to deal with everything better. He will not be a horrible son by looking after himself.

Trying to answer everyone's questions. She has been there about a year and a half. She's been mean and cranky but not delusional until this past month. I don't think she'd hire a caregiver, she's convinced she'll run out of money even though she has plenty. She doesn't like the doctor at the facility so she says she doesn't have a doctor. She'll have to see him, probably tomorrow. I don't know if there are any social workers there, I've never heard them mentioned.

Hubby is on the road, right now, driving to a close family member's funeral, so no rest for him. It's a close family member as in closely related, the family member had issues with alcohol and alienated pretty much everyone in the family. He's actually missing out on a scheduled doctor's appointment. At the very least, I'm going to see if he can talk to a minister friend.

And, totally off-topic, but I think a lot of people here might be able to relate. I chose my user name because I treated my parents well, but oh, my other siblings were OH SO WONDERFUL, according to our parents, and I was just bad.  One actually stole a good bit of $$$, one was very good to them near the end but caused problems when they were healthy. I know this is not the message of the Biblical parable, but I always felt sorry for the brother of the Prodigal Son, the one who stayed home and did what he was supposed to and nobody killed a fatted calf for him! So, I'm the Prodigal's Sister but that was too many characters. :)

ProdigalSister, just an idea, depending on your Mother-in-law's budget, could she hire a private caregiver to be there a few hours per day? The caregiver could give her all the attention, guide her to the activities, take her to doctor appointments, etc.

My Dad had a caregiver when he lived at home, and he was lucky enough to be able to bring her to senior living. This gave him a routine. Thus when he woke up in the morning, there was her smiling face, and she got Dad ready for the day, and kept him busy during her shift. He just loved all the attention :)

You have several issues going on at once which makes things much more difficult

Your husband sounds stressed to the point of a breakdown - does he have a regular doctor - would he go see him or her ?
Will he have a few days off over the thanksgiving weekend to rest?

UTIs are extremely difficult to manage - they cause severe agitation and upset in the elderly which can become a downward spiral

Although there may be an expectation that the facility should be able to attend to MILs care that really isn't going to happen

I've seen many folks fall ill at mom's facility and it goes unnoticed until it's clear they need to be hospitalized

Is there a social worker at MILs facility that can help you map out some options for her care ?

Does the dr think she needs a different course of antibiotics ? Or does she need to be on an Iv if she's becoming dehydrated

Assisted living staff may not be able to handle her at this point if she needs help with bathing

Sorry all of this overwhelming and no one wants to see the situation end up deteriorating for your family including Mil

You can only take one step at a time but it helps to have some guidance from those who help lay out options so you can make a plan

When she calls and says she's in trouble, he should call the staff. That's what they are there for.

She's going to need time, and maybe a stay in a psychiatric facility for medication adjustment to get acclimated. Once she is in a care facility, taking off from work should NOT be the norm.

How long ago did your MIL move in to this ALF?

Be careful you do not want to nag about it. You need to back off too. That would not help the situation at all.

Thanks. For awhile, she was in a new state all alone, so he wanted to visit. I mentioned that maybe she'd get out of her room and meet people if we'd stop visiting and maybe he could go once a week, the kids & I could go once a week or something like that. Now, she calls him, "I'm in trouble, I need you to come up here." Hopefully I can convince him to take a step back.

Yup, he needs to develop firm boundaries. Stop missing work to deal with her. A therapist may be able to help him if he will go. Once a week is plenty and many do not visit that often. He needs to relax, and the more you remind him will not help either.

If she is in assisted living what 'involvement' does your husband actually have to do? That is the whole point of assisted living, they take the pressure off the family. He doesn't have to run there for every little thing. They take her to doctor appointments and provide meals and clean her apartment. He does need to take a break from her.