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I am the sole caretaker of my grandparents. Not parents! My uncle lives far away and hates his parents. He offers no encouragement or thanks for anything I do. He’s just waiting for his inheritance and criticizing how much money is draining away from it.


My mom lives nearby and she is not as physically healthy as she could be but she also resents her parents and just doesn’t want to deal with anything. She doesn’t mind visiting and claims she can’t take care of them because it “makes her too sad.” Also she reminds me that she cared for her grandparents so it’s MY turn. (We kids were all older and off doing our own thing already. Her care was visiting her grandparents and getting my dad to fix things around the house. Not even close to what I’ve done).


It’s been hard trying to be a good wife who’s not too tired at the end of the day. When I started this I had a newborn and three other young kids! It breaks my heart I’ve spent more time in doctor offices than with them. I’ve clean out their large house, stored crap for the uncaring uncle, helped sell their house and get them into long term care. I manage everything for them as well as my own household.


I’m starting to resent my mom too. These are HER parents and she is responsible for no one but herself! She is divorced and we are all long grown! My sibling and cousins live far away too so it's me or mom. How do I get my mom to do her duty so that when she needs me in a few years, I WANT to do it! LOL

Granddaughter,

How are you?
So unfair. I adored my grandma but I wouldn’t have liked being in your position. I’ve been a full time caregiver for my mom since 2005 and it’s killing me. I could never ask my daughters to do what your mom has asked of you. You deserve a life with your family. Your mom and grandma will adjust. Please take care of yourself. You are young and deserve to have a wonderful life with your children.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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I know it's painful to have to make the decision, but truly, your children should come first. Your grandparents' needs are being met. What your grandmother is bothering you with are her wants. Set aside some time for the paperwork - maybe one night a week after the kids are in bed. Set another few hours once a week to visit with the grandparents, sometimes bringing your kids, sometimes just on your own - and stick to it. No more should be required from you. Tell your mom that she's just going to have to pull up the big girl panties and take some responsibility for her parents by visiting at least once a week - it won't kill her. She should realize that your time and energy is needed taking care of 4 small children.
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Reply to lablover64
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Its time for you to find an elder lawyer...start applying for Medicaid and get your grandparents into a nursing home. You have to take care of yourself and your family.
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Reply to DiamondAngel14
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Im in the exact same situation as you are except my children are ages 6-11. My grandparents only have one child remaining (my mother) and my mother is not interested in helping what so ever. My grandfather just passed away from cancer and I was one of his sole caregivers (my grandmother was his other caregiver). My mother was also unavailable to help when my grandfather was passing. I wouldn't trade helping my grandfather and grandmother for anything, but I'm not going to lie, help would be nice. I have cousins (from my deceased aunt and uncle, my grandparents late children ). Everyone is too "busy" to help. I'm in my mid 30s. It can be a very lonely experience to be a sole caregiver. I understand your feelings.
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Reply to Butterfly82
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my mom’s physician had started offering video appointments. I just did the first one with my mom because it is so difficult for her to travel to doctor appointments now. It worked well. It might be an option to check into
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Reply to Ljanoe
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Wow I think you have done a great job. So glad they sold their house and moved into care. I know how tough it was for you doing all these things as I have done it twice myself. Is there really a need for you to take them to appointments? Are there transport services through local council or church organisations
Tell you uncle to hire a storage unit now or the stuff goes to charity. So come and get it or it’s gone. You resent storing it and it’s making you cross. He’s using you
next thing that comes up just put it on your mother. Don’t give in. She is using you too. Also I don’t see why you think you’re going to end up looking after her. Large hints that she should start getting prepared for her future care needs now
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Reply to Pandabear
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Here’s a book to help prepare you for these difficult conversations: “Crucial Conversations: tools for talking when the stakes are high “

Bless you for what you have done and are doing.
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Reply to Ljanoe
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Yep! Say it like it is. I know that’s what I should do. I think I’ll tell her (not ask but tell) I’m taking the summer off and she has to figure out how to get it all done. It might be easier now since my brother is finally having s clue. And he could help too now. It’s just difficult. My mom is not in an emotional (or physical) place to really do a good job. It will literally be like the mediocre substitute. And the brother is having marital problems and stress/depression. Of course I’m not better. I’ve gained s ton of weight and added stress so if i don’t take this break.....

Now to arm myself with the right words and resolve to do this when I’ll be criticized for abandoning my duty and the grandparents will ensure I pay with lots of “your mom is such an angel” and “your brother is always thinking of us.”

i know thats emotional abuse but does it matter to tell them off if the person is old and not quite “grandma” anymore?
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Reply to Granddaughter12
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Give your mother a one month's notice. No need to explain why for that should be obvious with your having children and then quit. Your mother is taking advantage of you. Her excuse is a guilt trip.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 11, 2019
cmagnum,

I love your answer. It really is better to be short and sweet in this case. Direct and to the point.
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Wow! I have my 92 yo mom living w/me. She is pretty self sufficient other than driving. I can’t imagine, in a million years, passing her off on my children. You are a caring person among some very selfish ppl. I feel your role should be an occasional visit, period. Use g-mas resources to fill in the gaps. If there is nothing left for uncle, tough! Who does your mom think will take of her, YOUR children? No! She needs to plan for her own care. Your first obligation is to your own family, no guilt! If I’ve learned anything from this, it is, I nvr want to be a burden or “obligation” to anyone!
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Granddaughter12 Mar 9, 2019
Yeah who know what my mom is expecting but I will NEVER pass off her care on my kids. I want them to love me when I’m the old lady and not be burned out.

yeah my grandparents living far away and there was one sibling who took care
of one set of great grandparents. My mom did drop in from time to time and I’m sure she did things I didn’t know about but I recall both my great grandparents being extremely healthy and able to care for themselves until a major stroke or heart attack and then there was no question of not living in the care center so everything just continued on as normal.
and I hope I don’t offend anyone. I feel that 1900s-1920s generation was much more equipped for “I can take care of myself. Don’t you dare worry about me.” It seems like this 1930s-40s generation (my grandparents) expect much more attention and unrealistic demands met. I don’t blame them entirely. They lived during a prosperous time and my grandparents have NO IDEA what elderly caregiving is. Their own grandparents died young or were still able to take care of themselves so they didn’t watch their own parents suffer through the difficulties of elder care. They have no clue.
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Wow. You must be so tired! I believe the family you created must come first. Easy to say, I know. There is medical transportation available. It will cost but there is a cost for you to transport and attend appointments.

My mom has some money and doesn’t qualify for Medicaid. We have to pay to have a mobile blood draw service, and transportation if she needs to go to the doctor. Although I am her primary caregiver, those are two things I could get off my plate.

I agree about limiting visits. It’s draining even in the best of circumstances. I also agree with getting someone to manage their care-of possible. It’s their money and they need help. The nursing home may have some ideas as well.

Its difficult to draw boundaries when you love them and no one else is stepping up to the plate. But you must.

You have found a fantastic community here. Best of luck. (:
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Reply to Restlessremedy
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MK Mar 9, 2019
If your mom has Medicare, why can't the services come to her? I know the services are happy to charge you real money, but if the doctor will order the tests, I don't know why they can't come to the home?
I have learned that few are going to tell you how you can obtain services based upon qualifications based on Medicare. Even those certified providers often prefer to "tell" you what Medicare does because it's to their advantage. Read the latest Medicare Benefit Policy Manual for yourself. It's available online and very easy to navigate. You can also call the senior help line in your area, and Medicare is 1-800-medicare customer service can give you some information. You will need her number and be authorized to speak in her behalf, as I'm sure you would want anyone speaking in your behalf when the time comes.
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LTC meaning a NH? When my Mom entered a NH so much was taken off me. I allowed the facility to do her laundry because the residents always looked clean. I used their doctor. Other than the Dementia Mom was healthy. Her thyroid numbers had leveled out so just needed testing every so often and med adjusted. I had stopped a lot of specialist visits because there really was no more they could have done other than a follow up. Mom was 89 with Dementia.

Are you trying to visit everyday? You may need to cut back. Because of you, they are safe, clean and cared for. Seems like their children are selfish and this may be because of your grandparents. They are reaping what they sewed. Where were your grandparents when their parents needed help? Children learn by example.

Your family and husband come first. Your children need your attention. You have done your duty. Your grands are being cared for. Mom is not going to change. Either is your Uncle. I would start preening Mom to the fact that she is going to be taking care of herself. Tell her she better take care of her health. Take advantage of services that are available because you won't be able to do it. That you don't plan on taking her in because you just won't have the energy to care for one more person. You did her job caring for HER parents. Its now time for your family. A husband and 4 kids is a very good reason. A person like your Mom will just drain you.
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Granddaughter12 Mar 9, 2019
Yep! They are both in the same nursing home now! Had to be done since grandma wasn’t taking her meds correctly.

When they first moved in I tried to visit a few times a week, just to make sure they were well situated. I started to cut back and then my grandma would call me and say “there are matters that need your attention!” (No grandma YOU need attention). My husband and I had a sit down with my grandparents about how I was going to take the summer off. I told them I didn’t feel like a granddaughter anymore, just an employee. I thought we handled it in a very direct way respectful way. My grandma later told my sibling and cousins that she was “put in her place” by me and rejected. Boy that was super fun. :( Trying to defend myself with my family. Now my brother lives in the area and he’s finally saying “grandma sometimes feels entitled doesn’t she?” No kidding.
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Are you POA, Guardian, or otherwise legally obligated? If not, it may be time to tell your mom that you cannot continue managing your own household and your grandparents' care, and that different arrangements may need to be made.

You might also look into the cost of a geriatric care manager. Yes, it will take money from the eventual estate, but uncle has no right to complain. It's your grandparents' money and needs to be used for their care while they are still alive.
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Reply to FrazzledMama
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Granddaughter12 Mar 9, 2019
I’m POA. They didn’t trust their children to do it, so it’s me.
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