Are there any suggestions on how to get a mother with dementia to stop telling lies?

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My mother didn't want to be removed from her home when medical professionals determined it was no longer safe for her to live alone. She suffers frequent UTI's and dementia. She was 180 days backlogged on her medications, which includes CHD, was letting food rot in the refrigerator and freezer, had a number of falls causing her injuries, and failed a cognitive test resulting in her drivers license being revoked. The doctors at the hospital said they would install her in an assisted living facility 350 miles from where I live if an in-home care service or coming to live with me was not possible. I brought her home with me to live in another state.


Mom has always been an independent soul and does not like anyone telling her what to do. So after the first month she began to devise ways to escape and return to her vacant home claiming her 83 year old boyfriend could take care of her. Under his prior unofficial care, she acquired the 9 month backlog of medications, and accumulated regular withdrawals from her bank ATM that she failed to record and could not recall happening. After 8 months of avoiding her phone calls and pleas to come visit her the man took my mother from her AL apartment taking her to his home in the other state. The next morning he drove her to her banks (there were several) to withdraw her funds, and close the accounts of which I was co-owner as her DPOA. The banks advised me to place the funds in a temporary account until things settled down. APS was called to assist, and attorneys were contacted about getting a fiduciary or a guardianship established. APS was unsuccessful in getting mother to cooperate, and that particular state supports the individual's right to choose. It doesn't matter if choices are wise or harmful. As a result, my DPOA was revoked and her will was changed.


Inside of two months, the man married my mother and her funds and other assets she left behind were delivered to her attorney. Now, my mother tells people that I didn't treat her well, I abandoned her and took her money and her car. She wanted to have her own place even though we never charged her a dime to live with us in our home, she left her car and didn't send anyone to get it. She left behind all her clothing, furnishings, medications, taking nothing but the clothes she wore and her purse. Its been a year and it continues to hurt my heart when others call me to tell me Mom is still telling the lies about what really happened. I've tried calling her, left my phone number numerous times, but she doesn't call back. The one time I got her to answer the phone she avoided my questions about her behavior. We used to be very close. She was like a best friend and confidant. I'd like to restore the relationship before she passes away. Help?

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Mom has Dementia. To her, she may not be lying but believing what she says. She may have forgotten what this man did to her. She may realize her money is gone and you being the closest person gets the blame. My Mom always believed the CNAs before she believed me.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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It sounds like you did the best you could and have to realize that you have lost your mom, never in this life to get her or the relationship back.

Im so sorry that you have had to go through all the craziness on top of the dementia. It is a damnable disease and no one wins.

Love her and what you had, grieve for your loss and move on. She has made her choices and unfortunately you were sacrificed for what she wanted.

Please do not worry what others believe or think of what she says, you know the truth.

Protect yourself from any more false accusations by keeping a low profile.

Hugs to you!
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Forgotten1 Aug 19, 2018
Thank you for your encouraging words.

I rarely contact her anymore. I did call yesterday and she seemed pleased, and didn't want me to hang up. I asked her why she hasn't returned my calls. First she said her feelings have been hurt thinking I was responsible for her drivers license being revoked. She told me she hadn't heard any of the messages and started to say that her boyfriend/husband (whatever he is legally) must have accidentally deleted them.

I again assured her that I was not responsible for her drivers license being taken away, but instead it was her doctor. I told her that numerous times last year, but I don't think she is capable of retaining that information any longer.
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I'd be wary of contact or communication with her since she could make any kind of accusation against you. Her behavior and the result of the legal investigation sounds extremely bizarre to me. I don't know of any way to reason with or convince people who have dementia anything. Maybe, others will more ideas. I'm sorry things turned out that way. It sounds like you did the best you could.
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Forgotten1 Aug 19, 2018
Thank you for your response.

I have had minimal contact with her this past year. Yesterday was the 3rd time since early spring that I was able to actually speak with her.

Other than asking her why she doesn't return my calls and updating her on her grandchildren and great-grandchildren I wasn't able to address her continuing to lie to family and friends about what happened last year.

She says her feelings were hurt because she can no longer drive and believes I was responsible for that happening. I stated again it was her doctor, but I doubt she will get that straight in her memory.

She did tell me she hasn't heard any phone message from me and thinks her boyfriend/husband must have accidentally erased them.

I suppose short of a miracle from God, she will someday die believing I mistreated her
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