Are there any solutions available for forcing in laws to move out of a dangerous condo?

Contact DHS and they will get them caregivers to come in to cook, clean, etc. God bless you! Good luck!

This is horrible. First of all, I would speak to an eldercare attorney and somehow get a Power of Attorney - at least for your mother. If you have the POA you can take over and put her where she is safe. As to your FIL, I'd tell him where to go and I'd make it plain to him that your mother is going, no if's, and's or but's and he either goes along or he will be on his own with NO help when his time comes. Get tough and get going. Also enlist the help of her doctor. Good luck.

Send a social worker - tell them neighbors are concerned and what you have said here. Be sure to include name of facility near the adult child so that can be discussed as an option. Maybe a social worker getting involved will scare him a little that others are watching.

If they can afford a condo and assisted living, can some in-home help be hired? Maybe a few hrs a day to clean and do meal prep? Tell dad neighbors are reporting them as not being safe, so he needs to make some changes before others get involved.

If the situation is not safe and/or their health is threatened, call Adult Protective Services or the local police on their non-emergency line.

Call adult protective services. Tell them that there are two elderly living in what you believe to be a dangerous situation and that you would like a welfare check. You can do it anonymously if you like. Report Online https://reportabuse.dcf.state.fl.us/

Will he hire help so MIL doesn't have to take care of everything?

Unfortunately you can't force anything unless he has been declared legally incompetent by a judge.

What a shame that he doesn't think more of his wife. She is the one that will suffer from his stubbornness.

I would try to get daily help for her if that is the only way to help her.

Is there a POA and diagnosis of dementia present, inability to make decisions for themselves? If not there would be necessity of guardianship of BOTH or conservatorship for both. That could be costly and not successful if one or both are competent.
You might consider a call to APS telling us exactly what you have to us. Let them open a case. They will contact social worker system and family if they feel guardianship is needed, and the social workers can help with getting at least temporary guardianship assigned to family member if APS feels this is an unsafe situation. Often they will not assess it as such, and you will be left waiting for the shoes to drop. Sorry, an awful situation to be in. It may help with your APS to have the neighborhood friends who are "concerned" to call APS at the same time the family does.

frustrated45, sounds like your Dad-in-law is in denial of his age, and that of his wife. He probably still thinks they are both in their 50's.

I had the opposite situation, it was my Mom would refused to downsize even thought Dad thought it was a good idea, but Dad wouldn't move without Mom. Dad knew at 90+ that he was limited on what he could now do around the house, but Mom, also in her 90's, still saw him as Superman, leaping tall buildings at a single bound, to fix things around the house and attend to outside needs. Plus it was very hard to say "no" to my Mom.

Like so many on this forum, I had to wait for a medical emergency. Mom fell with head trauma, doctor said time for a caregiver to help her. Nope, never, nada. No woman was going to come into HER house.

Sure enough another head trauma fall, but with complications that caused my Mom to pass. It didn't take Dad long to sell the house and move into senior living. We found a facility that had Independent Living.... Assisted Living.... Memory Care. So as Dad advanced, he knew he would still be seeing the same Staff members, and having the same meals :) He missed Mom terribly and wished she would have move to such a facility years earlier, she may have lived longer.

Hope your Dad-in-law faces reality, otherwise he may lose the love of his wife over his own stubbornness. What he is putting her though is shortening her life :(

You know one of the reasons elders are remiss to move is because they cannot image/conceive the effort it will take to do so. We experienced this with my inlaws as they aged. They went from a house to an independent senior apartment, where they cooked their own meals, took care of their own housekeeping, etc. When it became obvious that they weren't doing well with that, we moved them to the next step up--where 2 meals per day were provided, and so was housekeeping, medicine help, etc. Then we had to go to assisted living and memory. Each move my FIL was overwhelmed even at the thought of moving, because he knew he could not do the packing, arranging for a mover, etc. let alone the physical moving. When we assured them we and our friends would take care of all that for them, it made it more palatable. I know they say "We don't need help", but that is often a mask for "I don't want to be a burden/Dont want to admit that I can't do it." SO perhaps the adult children can find the place, make sure it's the best for the $$ and then come down and show it to them and say "Hey, we've all talked about this and we think that mom really needs help with these things. We know you want your independence and we respect that, but we also know that you deserve to have a little help and rest. We will take care of all the details. We'll come pack for you, and take care of all the moving. All you need to do is supervise." That's what worked for us.

Will Adult Protective Services (APS) come out for an evaluation and keep confidential the person requesting the evaluation? That would be the best option. Then everyone would be on the same page. FIL would no longer be able to deny the problem with MIL’s health.

Your FIL, tell me more.

He was willing & able to move to a condo? But not accept home help or move to IL/AL. Why?

? He's the boss - don't be telling ME what to do youngsters! (Pride)

? Because HE is ok & is too egocentric to glace over as his wife & see her needs? (won't or can't).

Or maybe doesn't know what to do or how to go about it - staying put is just easier. (Judgement & planning skills kaput)

On a scale from Flexible like a sapling to Inflexible like concrete - where would he be?

PS I forgot fear. Is he scared of a vision of a 1900s nursing home. Has he ever toured a new hotel like AL facility?

If they are competent, often you can't do anything unless and until there is a disaster that visits them. It really is stressful.

My parents were in independent living and dad was still driving with early dementia. I just knew he was going to be one of those elders that went for a trip to the neighborhood store but ended up several states away. At the time I didn't voice my concerns to my father (according to him he was perfectly capable of driving. AAAAAUUUUUUGH). I'd ask my mom from time to time and voice my concerns and of course she'd continue to ride with him as long as she felt safe - ya just gotta love it! Luckily nothing ever happened and I did get him to volunteer to give up driving. Of course, he complained for the next of year that I made him quit driving- I forced him to volunteer.

The family can try and get in home help, if that is refused, someone should call the appropriate gov agency to do an evaluation of their situation. I wouldn't think the authorities wouldn't appoint a guardian/conservator for them without working with the family first.

The family needs to present a united front and continue try and convince them they deserve a better and safer life. Good luck.

I would encourage the friends who call to call Adult Protective Services. Children, if they don't want to seek guardianship, should be encouraged to do the same.

Does Gma realize that the state will take guardianship and neither she nor her kids will have ANY say in where they end up? (This is unlikely to happen, but CAN. I might tell a therapeutic fib strong enough to get her to make a move).

Your MIL won't move withouy him?

That's sad. She is endangering her own life. Has she always been this submissive?

If someone (one of the "kids") showed up and offered her a ride to the IL facility, would she take the opportunity to move, or even to look?

Thank you for the reply. We have done all but getting guardianship. As a daughter in law I don't think I can do that, nor do I want that responsibility, as I'd have to go through the five siblings. Unfortunately my MIL will still drive with him. We will have to wait. It's a sad state. Thanks again.

I’m sorry you’re finding yourself in what is a common dilemma here. The most proactive thing you can try is getting guardianship. The process is expensive and involved. And you’d have to know going in that the bar for someone being called competent is quite low. Next, if they have a trusted doctor you can try to get him/her on board with convincing them to choose a different option. I’d hope at the least your MIL would be convinced not to get in the car with FIL driving. You can try getting in home help for their needs, telling them it’s what’s required for them to stay there (and hoping they’d believe that is true) If they’d consent to touring other places, that could sell them on moving. Otherwise you join a pretty big group we call “waiting for the fall” where you have to wait out an event that will force change, and it will come no doubt