Mom is 88. Dad is "peeing all over" & mom can't deal. She gets no break. They don't have much $. Reverse mtg on the house. 64 yr old drug addict daughter lives with them & is combative with mom everyday. Mom wants her to leave but she refuses. The money mom spends to support my sister could help pay for respite services. What to do? I'm on east coast. Trying to help. Mom & Dad use Kaiser. They have him on no dementia drugs. IDK why. Mom asked Kaiser for help & they told her they don't offer home care help. I tried to call LA Elder Services but they don't connect out-of-area calls. Where on earth do we start to help my mother?

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The reverse mortgage on the home may hurt their ability to seek medicaid for placement of Dad, and clearly, at 88, they are too old to handle Dad at home. The drug addicted daughter at home is an exceptionally unwise decision, whoever made it. She may need to be evicted. Instead your mother is supporting her with her money.
Dementia drugs don't cure. None are proven to cure as yet. So the fact that Dad isn't on drugs is neither here nor there.
I would suggest placement for both your Mom and Dad, sale of the home at once (paying back the reverse mortgage and spending down what is left of the rest of the money in ALF, then moving to medicaid for their care. They are both too elderly for there not to eventually come to disaster. That is to say, this is self-limiting, this situation. At some point your Mom will crumble after this, and that will leave your coming to take care of things.
Are you the POA? Has anything at all been done to address what is inevitably coming?
As to inhome care, I can't know how much money is incoming on reverse mortgage, but it should be going to care rather than to the addict daughter who is being enabled by it.
You have a very complex situation. At some point you will be left with reporting this to APS for in home assessment.
Sorry, I sure hope others have some better ideas for you. I can find no hope in this situation. It seems to me so desperate for so many reasons.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to AlvaDeer

I 100% agree with JoAnn29 to help your mom get him placed and apply for MediCal -- hopefully having a reverse mortgage and supporting loser sister won't disqualify them. Do you think your mom, at 88, will be able to manage this on her own (assuming drug addict sibling is no help)? I would strongly recommend you take some time off and go help her if at all possible (even a week would be better than nothing and maybe you can extricate the loser sibling as well).

FYI dementia medications need to happen early on in the disease and often don't do much except *maybe* slow the progress. If your dad is having bladder incontinence it could also be from a UTI. It will be much easier to help in person, if at all possible. I wish you success in this situation.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Geaton777

You start with MediCal. I would suggest that Dad be placed in a Longterm care facility. MediCal, if like Medicaid in my State may not give him 24/7 care. And you deal with people who have lives that may not show up or on time. With LTC you know someone is always there. Mom will becom a Community Spouse receiving enough money to live on. She will be able to remain
in the home.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29

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