My grandmother, who was abused as a child and in turn abused my dad, is showing signs of decline. She lives alone, in a different state, and recently totaled her car so probably should not be driving. My dad and his siblings are grappling with how to care for her without risking their own mental health. She continues to be verbally/emotionally abusive to all of them, even when they try to help. She is extremely paranoid; my dad (a general contractor) has arranged for work to be done on her home by people he trusts and works with often, and she has repeatedly accused them of ripping her off or stealing from her. My dad tends to be the stoic type, but I know the prospect of increased caregiving is a huge source of dread and stress for him. She is unlikely to agree to any kind of help. I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions.
Trying to say this without repercussions. I realize not all of us had an idealic childhood. Yes, there are very good reasons why you don't want or need to get involved. And I am one of those who have said "stay away". I understand that, but Tothill's first paragraph hit a cord.
"First, no one in your family is responsible for providing any level of care for your grandmother. That includes doing work around her house, even if it is falling down around her."
Tothill is not the only one who has said this and it seems so sad to me.
I know, you made ur bed....but this woman was abused and knew no other way. Remember, there were no resources when she was a child. In the early years of TV, abuse was not even talked about. It was kept in the homes, swept under the rug. Children weren't aware there maybe help. There was no help for adults. I am 70 and only in the last few years am I aware that some of my classmates had abuse in their homes. Either beating of a parent or alcoholism. One friend, their Mom beat them just because.
I see no problem in helping from a distance. Finding the resources. Giving the person the info, even if in a letter with no return address. If they refuse to use the info, oh well. Call APS, not giving out your identity, and asking for a well check. You can get the ball rolling without getting involved. Then, you can step back with no guilt.
Some people need to be able to say "I tried" so they "can" finally walk away.
I think my dad is in a place where he can provide some help from afar, but definitely needs to set boundaries with her regarding how much communication they have and how much responsibility he is willing to assume. It's not easy trying to find the fine line between empathy and self-care, but I'm hoping I can help support him in that. I really appreciate your input :)
Once your family realizes that, they can decide whether or not they want to participate in her care at all. And each person gets to make this decision on their own, wihtout any fall out from their siblings.
Now if they do want to be involved they can hire a geriatric care manager in her town.
It may be easier to report her to APS and have them step in. Explain very clearly that there is no way on God's green earth that any of the siblings or grandchildren can provide care.
I'm going to look into GMCs as well, that very well might be an option. Thanks again.
I'm sorry about your dad and what he and his siblings are going through. At the very least let him know his abusive mother's elder care is not his responsibility and if she won't cooperate or negotiate then she can become a ward of the state and they will tell her what to do. She can't abuse a state representative.
Meanwhile, I appreciate your empathy - and your excellent point about not being able to abuse a state rep :)