Thanks for your answers to this very sensitive question about visitation. It helped me to know that most people do have a similar experience with these issues. I feel the parent does miss out on time with other family members as the host sibling makes them uncomfortable and unwelcome.
Loaded question--yes it is. For the past 15 years or so I have taken care of my Dad, Mother and sister. Dad died 3 years later and my handicapped sister died 3 or 4 years ago. My Mom was still living with until this last fall. My family is upset with me because when my Dad was dx with terminal cancer I did not pick up my life and move everyone to their state. It was ultimaltly my mom and dad's choice to stay here and move in with me. After my dad and sister died and Mom had a couple of falls, they decided I needed to retire to make sure Mom has 24 hour care. 24 hour care doesn't guarantee no falls. I work in a long term care facility and we have falls all the time--not because of neglect but because you can't be with every resident every minute of the day. My family is great at dictating that I should retire and stay with Mom 24/7, but when I told them I could have been out cutting the grass and she would have still fallen they tell me that is why she need 24 hour care. I don't see any checks in the mail to help cover her nursing home care while she is waiting to be weight bearing on the leg and the hospital denied us Medicare coverage. Hang in there. There is a lot of us family members that would do anything to help our parents and still maintain some sort of life. But I think my life is pretty much dictated my others for me. Pennyante
One thing that I know for sure. Adult kids are on a guilt trip when parents become very ill and they are moved from the hospital to a NH. That's when the peddle hit the meddle. Many adult children all of a sudden have this new found love for their parents whom they haven't seen in many years. Most of the time when the parents were healthy they didn't visit with them any way. Then all of a sudden they want to put the blame on the others sibling(s) who have always been around their parents and they will lie to anybody who don't even know the full story.These adults children that never came around to visit their parents after all they have done for them and their kids are just evil. They have been evil all along and now they try to cover their lies by lying on the ones that truly love their parents. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As the saying goes- what goes around comes around.If a person don't care for their parents they don't love anybody. Love begins with your first family and that's the family that a person is born into.Sometimes it makes me think that they are after something.But there isn't anything to get. They just need to get on their knees and repent for all the wrong that they have done to their parents and get the moving -stepping because they are just fake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are 2 of us ...my only older sister never bothers with our mother and I take care of her...the problem lies in that my sister is intent on continuing to try and play our mother against me and get her isolated so our mother's sizeable estate is all hers...she got caught trying to pull a fast one a few years back and now claims I set her up...recently she took a tantrum and made up a conflict again...I try to ignore her but she is unstable and has serious issues I am sure she acts out at others not just us....I suspect it will get worse, I just hope our mother is strong enough to withstand the stress that my sister brings with her...after our father died and she ranted about mke not having a right to be there she bullied our mother to the point our mother had nothing to do with me for 5 years...now I take care of our mother and look out for her but I am concerned about the bully tactics my sister will pull on our mother to shove me out of the way again
I am applying for guardianship of my mother who has Alzheimer's. She still recognizes her children, but doesn't recognize her family in Italy when looking at pictures, etc. She doesn't remember something that happened 5 minutes ago. I took her from my sister who abuse her verbally and financially. She lost my mother's home (which was paid for) by not paying taxes and we don't know what she did with my mom's monthly social sec. checks. Also, mom's IRA is wiped out. I'm trying to get Medicaid for long term care and my sister refuses to submit her bank statements which would show my mom's checks being deposited and what bills were paid for the household. It's horrible! The 6 siblings are not speaking to my sister. Now my mom will be denied Medicaid and that's why I'm applying for guardianship so I can subpoena the records on behalf of my mom.
I am applying for guardianship of my mother who has Alzheimer's. She still recognizes her children, but doesn't recognize her family in Italy when looking at pictures, etc. She doesn't remember something that happened 5 minutes ago. I took her from my sister who abuse her verbally and financially. She lost my mother's home (which was paid for) by not paying taxes and we don't know what she did with my mom's monthly social sec. checks. Also, mom's IRA is wiped out. I'm trying to get Medicaid for long term care and my sister refuses to submit her bank statements which would show my mom's checks being deposited and what bills were paid for the household. It's horrible! The 6 siblings are not speaking to my sister. Now my mom will be denied Medicaid and that's why I'm applying for guardianship so I can subpoena the records on behalf of my mom.
My father had a massive stroke/seizure. He and his wife were on the brink of divorce. My sister and I traveled 2000 miles to help get his affairs in order when his "wife" showed up. We got his affairs in order and had him placed in a long term acute hospital. She had security escort my sister out of the hospital yesterday. She was left outside the hospital with nothing but her purse and phone. All of the paper work we gathered regarding medical care and finances was in the car we were driving (my fathers). His wife had the police officer take the keys away from my sister. We are now 2000 miles away, trying to help him. She told my sister she was having him declared "incompetent". We are getting ready for a battle as we want him to get therapy and eventually go home if possible. Any adivice?
Sandig, I would get a tax attorney who is enrolled with the IRS to handle the IRS communication problem.
Perhaps your POA needs updating. AARP has an index of possible tax/elderlaw attorneys (that is how I found I somebody).
IRS POA has its own form and that is likely why IRS wants notice of your mom's POA "updated". IRS also has Ombudsman's office where a taxpayer can meet with an Ombudsman's rep.
But I believe if you reach out to a tax attorney, they will be able to get your existing POA "updated" with whatever IRS requires (and your state's revenue agency if you're in a jurisdiction with state income tax). Good luck!
My mom lives in a nursing home. She is not able to think clearly I am her POA and personal representative with ss, The IRs is garanishing her ss they will not talk to me because my POA does not state IRS. What can I do
I have applied for legal guardianship for my mother. My sister will not show for the hearing. She moved and probate don't have new address or phone no. Doctor will not sign medical forms.
It is a sad reality that sibs that never cared for their parents , near the end cause the most trouble. I have poa and my mom lives with me, she is on hospice and is near death, she had stopped wanting to eat and drinks very little! My sisters , from dads first marriage , came and wanted to stay alone with her . I have 24 hour sitters . I would not allow it so they called adult protective services and said I was starving my mother!!! They came out and found NO Fault !!! So no I do not let them back on property ( they screamed and yelled at the sitter the day they came over about how they can take care of dying people , right over her bed , it is a sad fact that some siblings should not be able to see parents in their last days
Someone said it is the property owner's right to refuse siblings to visit. Not always. I live with my Mom (home owner). I have Power of Attorney re my Mom. My brother has always "gone around me" to sell things or do things for Mom that were either my responsibility or I wouldn't allow. He hasn't seen her since April (when I filed a Temporary Restraining Order against him because he pushed me, I fell and suffered a concussion). He has made it his mission to destroy me since then. He called Adult Protective Services, lied to the Police & in court. Now he made plans to take Mom to lunch and didn't say a word to me, I listened to my Mom's side of the conversation. She said he was "taking her out to lunch" on Friday. I told him via text that she isn't available (because we both signed an agreement that she has to have a caregiver present and he can "visit" her). Her caregiver comes on Monday & Thursdays). He has basically blown off the agreement. I fired my attorney, so now I have to find one pronto. I am planning on putting my Mom in care because she is always so angry and I can't do this anymore. And I can't even talk to my own family because of his lies & people taking sides. My (late) father would be disgusted, just like I am.
I have a huge problem. My mom, who is in her 80s was injured this last summer. I live in another state and kept up with what was going on, then she was sent to stay with my brother. To make a long story short, the three siblings involved in all this cut me off, sold her home, put her in an apartment with an unlisted number and told me I was not allowed to contact her? My relationship with her had always been great and they had no reason. Yesterday, I had a friend get her unlisted number for me and called. She just about cried. She was told I just never contacted anyone or cared. Well 24 hours later, they are trying to shut me off again. The only thing she could think of, was they told her they sent me my share of what she divided for all of us kids and of course they did not.I don't care. What can I do to stop them from taking away my mom again?
I agree with Kitty written 12-7-10 and alwaylearning 12-7 2010. I was the primary care giver, and because another sibling was left as POA to pay the bills, they thought they could TAKE OVER! They have not been assigned as my parents guardian, however are acting as if they are. Will not allow my parent to have a phone. Can only go through them. They are priming my parent, who has a history of a closed head injury, therefore I felt that as siblings we should discuss things first. Come up with 2 reasonable options and then involve the parent and let them make the choice. Instead, the sibling is priming the parent and asking questions in such a way, that make's it appear as though the parent asked for this.I however was upset and called the parent and asked if they asked for this or if the sibling came and asked if they wanted this and then said yes. The later is what was confirmed by the parent. That is called priming and using that person for your financial gain, and that falls in the category of elder abuse!!!!!!!! There are obviously other issues involved, and I do not care to elaborate here. It is sad when money becomes the issue and not the relationship. That is how I see it.
nice to see that others have siblings that help, none of mine do, not even visit, it is only me 365 days a year with bathroom door open, I need help and unless you are rich there is no help
Lovemom, Well, it sounds like it might be confusing her. Then again, she may be equally confused if she didn't spend weekends elsewhere. My husband kept wanting to go home -- and we were home! That is common in dementia. Does she do any better in weeks when someone comes in to stay with her than when she goes out?
You also have to consider the practical considerations. The weekday caregiver must have some respite. It sounds like the family has come up with workable ways to share the load. Naturally you want to do it in ways least disturbing for your mother, but that can't be the only driving factor. If a mother with dementia has anxiety unless her caregiver daughter is within sight, that can't mean that daughter leaves the bathroom door open, never shops alone, can't get a sitter and go out for lunch, only goes for mail when Mother is asleep, etc.
Definitely try to meet Mother's needs as best you can. And realize that caregivers have needs, too.
I don't know what the arguments are about, but I hope you can hold a meeting with all siblings. (Can someone else stay with Mother?) Focus on how can we determine what the confusion/agitation is about, or at least rule out some possibilities, and what, if anything, can we do as a group to improve this situation. The enemy here is the disease, it is sure not any of the sibs. Avoid blaming and finger pointing. Keep the meeting about identifying the problem and coming up with solutions.
I have a similar situation. Mom has dementia and one sibling stays with her during the week and during weekends other siblings alternate staying with mom or taking her to their place for one or two nites. When she's brought back to her house, she's very confused and agitated. She says people just come and dump her at this unfamiliar house. During the week she constantly asks us to take her home cause she doesn't recognize her house as her home where she's been living for the past 30 years. Do you all think that this arrangement confuses people with dementia even more? This is causing lots of arguments with siblings.
I am sorry but you are wrong, even if the mother wants to see her other children, that child does not have to allow them in their home, simple as that. as stated by some she may go their home or out to dinner with them if she is able, in my case, my mother is unable, I have power of attorney and medical power of attorney and 2 of my siblings she knows she will never see again as that is in her best interest and it is my responsibilty to protect my mother from anyone I feel is a danger to her, best wishes
As was mentioned in one of the replys, it is your home and you decide who is allowed to enter it. Your siblings may blame it on you saying that you don't allow them to visit, but they can pick her up and take her out to lunch or dinner, or over to their home for an afternoon. There are ways to work things out if all parties are willing. I back you up all the way! I have one sibling that stole from my mother and myself, and she opened up a credit card using my mothers information and used it for herself. That woman will never be allowed in my home, and my mother is aware and understands fully.
I think you are causing more unless stress 4 yourself trying to keep your siblings from your seeing your mom @ your home. It can in turn become a power struggle If they are like my siblings and seems as if they are; they won't take the time to come anyway. There seem to be always 1 in every family that takes on the responsibility of caring for an elderly parent but I believe that is because God anointed that one for a time such as this. I am the lucky one that God anointed in my family to do this job. My siblings are too self involved to do what is needed for my mother. I will have memories and joys that they will never have with her. I have low points but I dont stay there. They are doing more of a diservice to themselves and the woulda, shoulda, coulda's will not belong to me. As long as I can be a source of joy for her, no matter my discomfort, I wilI. Cant waste time worrying about what they do or don't do. Great is your reward for honoring you mother. reset your focus and forget your siblings.
This is a tough topic. My sister acts badly towards me and has for a very long time. I am of the opinion that she should let the sibs visit in her home since it is now Mom's home too. It is where she resides. She is their mother too. They could visit her in that home then take her out for lunch/dinner, take her to the library, movies, shopping. Make it a fun day. Then after they get home, they could visit with Mom in the home, then go to their home or to a hotel etc. I am a firm believer in trying to make it right and trying to get along. Sib who owns the home might want to try that. But for me there will be no breaking the ice. Sister is stuck in her ways and that's it. So for the letter writers who have bad siblings, I know how it is!!
My mother lives with me and I take care of her, two of my siblings are not allowed to visit her in my home so she will not see them again, my sister has hurt and used my mom all her life and my brother is a child molester, therefore I have cut all ties, she is allowed to talk to them on the phone and write if she wishes but no they are not allowed in my home, it is my home and I make the rules, Hope this helps you
My brother has the luxury to work from home & he use to sit with my mom every Friday until I got into a fight with his wife. I figure if they can take vacations, go to ballgames, eat at restaurants during the week they can surely carve out 1 hour to visit with mom & grandma. If there's a will there's a way. I don't have to be there for them to do it, which is why I suggested visiting during the day when I am work.
My aunt has never had a good relationship with her daughter. She is calm except when her daughter comes around bossing everyone around, and making demands. My aunt gets visibly upset, and does not want her around. She has even said so. She does have mild dementia, but still gets VERY upset, and even scared when this nasty daughter comes to see her. In this case I feel she should NOT be allowed to visit. That being said, some relatives who have been distant may want some closure and to express peace with your parent. As long as your parent doesn't mind, and seems happy why not let them come. As long as they do not disrespect you and your parent in any way I don't see any reason to not let them visit. It would be doing a good kind thing on your part, and rising to a higher place of dignity. LOVE and LIGHT
Adding additional comments: If my family has time to take vacations & do other activities during the week why can't they visit my mom during week while the caregiver is there?
Pennyante
Perhaps your POA needs updating. AARP has an index of possible tax/elderlaw attorneys (that is how I found I somebody).
IRS POA has its own form and that is likely why IRS wants notice of your mom's POA "updated". IRS also has Ombudsman's office where a taxpayer can meet with an Ombudsman's rep.
But I believe if you reach out to a tax attorney, they will be able to get your existing POA "updated" with whatever IRS requires (and your state's revenue agency if you're in a jurisdiction with state income tax). Good luck!
hasn't seen her since April (when I filed a Temporary Restraining Order against him because he pushed me, I fell and suffered a concussion). He has made it his mission to destroy me since then. He called Adult Protective Services, lied to the Police & in court. Now he made plans to take Mom to lunch and didn't say a word to me, I listened to my Mom's side of the conversation. She said he was "taking her out to lunch" on Friday. I told him via text that she isn't available (because we both signed an agreement that she has to have a caregiver present and he can "visit" her). Her caregiver comes on Monday & Thursdays). He has basically blown off the agreement. I fired my attorney, so now I have to find one pronto. I am planning on putting my Mom in care because she is always so angry and I can't do this anymore. And I can't even talk to my own family because of his lies & people taking sides. My (late) father would be disgusted, just like I am.
There are obviously other issues involved, and I do not care to elaborate here. It is sad when money becomes the issue and not the relationship. That is how I see it.
Well, it sounds like it might be confusing her. Then again, she may be equally confused if she didn't spend weekends elsewhere. My husband kept wanting to go home -- and we were home! That is common in dementia. Does she do any better in weeks when someone comes in to stay with her than when she goes out?
You also have to consider the practical considerations. The weekday caregiver must have some respite. It sounds like the family has come up with workable ways to share the load. Naturally you want to do it in ways least disturbing for your mother, but that can't be the only driving factor. If a mother with dementia has anxiety unless her caregiver daughter is within sight, that can't mean that daughter leaves the bathroom door open, never shops alone, can't get a sitter and go out for lunch, only goes for mail when Mother is asleep, etc.
Definitely try to meet Mother's needs as best you can. And realize that caregivers have needs, too.
I don't know what the arguments are about, but I hope you can hold a meeting with all siblings. (Can someone else stay with Mother?) Focus on how can we determine what the confusion/agitation is about, or at least rule out some possibilities, and what, if anything, can we do as a group to improve this situation. The enemy here is the disease, it is sure not any of the sibs. Avoid blaming and finger pointing. Keep the meeting about identifying the problem and coming up with solutions.
I am sorry but you are wrong, even if the mother wants to see her other children, that child does not have to allow them in their home, simple as that. as stated by some she may go their home or out to dinner with them if she is able, in my case, my mother is unable, I have power of attorney and medical power of attorney and 2 of my siblings she knows she will never see again as that is in her best interest and it is my responsibilty to protect my mother from anyone I feel is a danger to her, best wishes
My brother has the luxury to work from home & he use to sit with my mom every Friday until I got into a fight with his wife. I figure if they can take vacations, go to ballgames, eat at restaurants during the week they can surely carve out 1 hour to visit with mom & grandma. If there's a will there's a way. I don't have to be there for them to do it, which is why I suggested visiting during the day when I am work.
If my family has time to take vacations & do other activities during the week why can't they visit my mom during week while the caregiver is there?