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We placed my MIL into a very nice facility yesterday. We had been discussing this with her for some time now. Different reactions on different days, from being a little sad, to knowing it was needed, but never angry. When she got up, we told her that today was the day. Immediately she got furious. " We weren't taking her anywhere, I'd rather die first, You both are DEAD to me, never come see me again, "I'll find a way to just die". She ate, went back to lay down still claiming she wasn't going. When she gets back up, she starts screaming again over and over. She looks at us with hatred, spitting on the floors, tried to spit on me, but wasn't standing close enough to get me. After several attempts to get her dressed as she said "Where I'm going it won't matter if I'm naked" and started taking off all her clothes in front of her son, my husband which I know she would be ashamed of if she were within her right mind. We finally get her dressed, in the car, she is still cussing, spitting in disgust at us. We go down the driveway, she looks back at our home and says "Bye house. I hope someone comes and breaks every window in your house". Just crazy talking. After arriving at the facility which is extremely nice, and small, only 20 patients, she jumps out of the car because she's home and for us to "leave and never come back," to "I can't believe my own family is throwing
me away", to "I hope you have 200 children and NONE of them want you". So while I didn't expect it to go easy today, my questions are first, is this type of behavior in dementia/alzheimers normal or typical? Why yesterday did she remember the sequence of events happening ALL day long when normally she can't even remember where she is from minute to minute or sometimes thinks she's in a home already because our house is large and always wants to know where the other residents are. She came to us from a facility she shared with my FIL after he passed away. And to be honest, in driving away to come back home after dropping her off, I felt a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I am relieved and I am quite ashamed to say that for the first time in an extremely long 6 months, (only 6 months!!!) that I am happy. And I feel ashamed admitting that. I certainly don't want my husband to know this. I had the honor and privilege of taking care of my mother when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor at only 60 years old. She was diagnosed, treated with radiation and passed away within the space of 3 months. From the minute she found out, she was always caring, appreciative of the things my sister and I did for her, always thanking us, telling us how she loved us and never complained. While she didn't have dementia, the tumor did sometimes make her not realize some things and get confused about who someone was, or where she was at times. I am not romanticizing that as I know people can sometimes think their passed loved one were perfect. She wasn't perfect, but she also never complained or whined about her situation, the complete opposite of my MIL since she has come to live with us. So last question, is this, are my feelings about my MIL and being happy now that she's not in our home normal and typical or am I comparing the two experiences and find that I would never have been able to care for her or have as much compassion as I should have because of my experience caring for my own mom. While I do feel guilty about it, its not enough to make me unhappy. Am I just a horrible person? I'm sorry this is so long....

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It sounds like you’ve done a fantastic job and have found an excellent place for your LO. Despite that I know that guilt can be pernicious. What’s helped me with guilt is what has been pointed out on this forum before; look at how many paid professionals it takes to care for your LO. That can be a LOT and by the time the LO moves to a care facility, it’s gotten to the point where it’s impossible for one person to spend 24/7 taking care of the elderly person...doing the job of a whole crew of people!

I don’t know if the guilt ever fully dissipates but in my case when I feel guilty again ( more than I care to admit ) I try to remember how many people it takes to help my mom, and that makes me realize that they are doing a much better job than I could, no matter what mom says.

I hope you find more peace, and many blessings
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When you begin the process of caring for a loved one you do so with all the love and best intentions.


Depending on the nature of their impairment,condition,or disease the road could take many sharp turns.

There is nothing wrong in rejoicing in normalcy.I am a caregiver twice over and look forward to the day I too can rejoice.Enjoy getting your life back.
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Water under the bridge. Best to say "we're going for a ride . . . to the museum . . . see flowers blooming. . . say anything to get person with dementia in the car, in the calmest way possible. Whether she has a form of dementia or not (a tumor may cause it as a stroke can).

Who wouldn't feel relieved if not at peace and intensely grateful for the quiet?
I wonder why you feel or believe how you feel is wrong/not okay in some ways? Do you allow yourself to feel without judgment? Where does this come from?
Do you know that 'all' feelings are okay because you feel them: Feelings / emotions change based on situation, hormones, self-care, reframing - and how a person learns to process through them.

There are 'no shoulds.' A good place to start thinking about in relation to how you feel about yourself.

I would recommend you see a therapist to get the tender loving support that will benefit you, and a safe place to sort out your feelings and self-expectations.
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Dear I have questions, First, you are not a horrible person!!! This situations sucks, even in the 'best' of conditions. I do not believe there is such a thing as 'normal'. Your reactions and feelings are unique and precious, just as you are. "Don't compare your insides with other people's outsides" is a saying that I like. God bless you
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you so much for your kind words.
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You are not a bad person. I would give anything to be free of my mother who lives with me. And I don't feel guilty for feeling like that. You have done what you know is best for her and yourselves so now enjoy your freedom and your life. I hope to do the same one day. X
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You are not a terrible person for feeling relieved that your MIL is out of your home. You have to remember that your mom was suffering from cancer, not dementia. Dementia changes the person that you love into a completely unreasonable person who can change from loving to a horror. My mom whom I loved dearly in the 7 years that I cared for her hit me, bite me, & accused me of stealing from her. She would say she loved me one minute & then tell me to get out of the house. When you have a LO with dementia you have to remember how much you loved them & how much they loved you before the diagnosis of dementia (or in my mom's case Alzheimer's) changed their personality. Think of your LO's actions & words as the disease talking & not your LO. Give it some time & give thought to the difference in the changes in your mom from cancer & the loss of your LO to dementia. When you understand the difference try to see your MIL with new understanding.
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Good for you for articulating how you feel. You speak for many caretakers who are grateful and relieved when someone else can take over. It even sounds like you were fortunate enough to find a "nice place" for your MIL.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you!!
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Imho, you were a top notch caregiver to your mother-in-law under much adversity. You must NOT think of yourself in such a negative light. Do not hold onto guilt, else it eats you up. Ergo, there is nothing, not one iota to feel guilty about. God bless you.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you!
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You are normal. You did the right thing. Your MIL should have been on tranquilizers. Bad doctor. We will all pass. I hope she votes
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Caretaking is very difficult. Your MIL does seem challenging too. You are not horrible. You need a break. Your MIL will adjust in her new place. You must give her a few weeks now. I would not visit for at least a week or maybe 2. She will be cared for and you will catch up on rest. Things will be fine. I know. 3 years ago I put dad in assisted living. They might act miserable but in actuality the new place becomes home and the make friends too.
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How can you even question feeling happy? Were I you, I would sit down and praise God she has finally gotten out of your hair. She must have been horrible in her behaviors and treatment of you and why should you have to tolerate it. Maybe her mind is gone - so what? Does that justify what she did and how she was around you. No one should tolerate and put up with such behavior especially when you did all you could to help them. No way. I say good riddance. I firmly believe and will never waver, if people are kind and pleasant, do whatever you possibly can to help them if you are able to but when they cross the line, be firm and take appropriate steps and remove them from your presence before they destroy you. Never feel guilty if they act like this. You are protecting yourself as you should.
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Hi
You said it in the third sentence.

I would not want my children to care for me .
Why would anyone want that. Of course if they have dementia they are not thinking clearly

For this reason a living will is important and discussing your wants and desires ahead of time.

Best
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Seems you were under a lot of stress caring for a person with difficulty coping. She probably has anxiety and frustration over things she can not control or understand. People with fear tend to cry, complain, lash out or a little of all of this. Since she appears to have Alzheimer's dementia, she will do best in an environment with a lot of structure and routine. Many caregivers want to care for their loved ones with dementia until they pass peacefully. Unfortunately, many dementia patients get to a stage where they need 24/7 supervision and very controlled environments to prevent injury or getting lost outside. Most people are not willing - or physically able - to live that way.

So you did the right thing to help your MIL get the help she needs in a smaller residential facility. Her first week(s) may be a little difficult as she adjusts to their routine. In the long run, she will do fine and get the attentive help she needs - 24/7.

Feeling "happy" about moving her is not selfish or "wrong". You have been under a lot of stress caring for a person that needed more supervision and care than you could reasonably provide. Knowing that she is getting the care she needs and you no longer need to worry round the clock - is relief from stress. That is why you feel happy. A horrible person would not care and you do. Be OK with your new current circumstances.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you!
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Your feelings sound normal to me. Don't feel guilty about feeling free, because you won't really feel free for long. You're going to have to interact with the facility almost daily, monitoring her medical care, medications, behavior problems, incidents with other residents, falls, hospitalizations, physical therapy--as well as facility bills, medical bills, insurance, health coverage, social security, bank and other accounts, etc. It will not end until a few years after she passes away.

Here's something people don't think of, but it happened with my mother. She is in a very nice, very expensive memory care residence. It was a good decision at the time, over a year ago, but now, since the pandemic, things have changed and I would prefer to move her to my city, 3,000 miles away from her area. But she fell in love with another resident about 10 months ago and they are together 24 hours per day. She doesn't want to leave! He is worse off than she is. He gets very agitated if she doesn't stay in the same room with him, 24 hours per day. So not only is she trapped in the building due to pandemic, she is trapped in a room with an agitated man who yells at staff on a daily basis. I'm paying $9,000 per month (of her money) so she can live with daily yelling matches in her room, and of course the dip in quality of care she's getting due to pandemic, with staff shortages and substitute staff who have less training. I'd like to save the money and take her out--at least she would be able to go outdoors every day if she lived with me--but she doesn't want to leave her boyfriend, so I would be the bad guy, big time, if I took her out.

Sounds like your MIL is pretty crabby, but she could fall in love with a resident too. That would throw a monkey wrench into the plan if you needed to move her for some reason.

Main idea--things you never thought of and never even heard of are going to come up. Every week. So enjoy this taste of freedom while you can.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Oh my! That is something to deal with. Good luck to you!
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You did the right thing. Your MIL is safe and in hands of professionals. You needn’t feel guilty. Most super seniors strongly reject leaving their homes and their life as they know it. It marks a grave turning point in their lives. It is scary and traumatic.
That said, the amount and quality of care is extremely difficult for family to do- and it gets more difficult as time goes by. Your MIL is much more typical than your mother, for many reasons.
My mother, who is now 103, vehemently lashed out with, “Don’t you put me in a nursing home!!”
It took about five to six family members to take care of all her needs plus her house. It was daunting.
One night she fell on the way to the bathroom and broke her femur (of course, she was alone).
Fortunately, she got to a hospital for the broken bone and when she was well enough, they sent her to a skilled nursing facility- which transitioned into an Assisted Living.
She is there now, safe and quite content. Yes, she wants to “go home”, but deep down she knows she is much better off where she is.
Her family and friends visit often and she has a new social life.
A lousy way to make the move, but she is so much better cared for at a place that is equipped to do the job.
You did the right thing! Visit her. Bring her stuff. It was the wisest option.
Best wishes
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What I hear is a loyal compassionate family person. When you know in your heart that you haven't done anything to harm a (documented) mental, or physical impaired person, that you're helping to care for you shouldn't subject yourself to turning into that same scenario, securing the necessary long term care that'll be needed for them that only professionals can provide strengthens your capacity to assist, and allows everyone to live the life given to us. Wishing blessings to you and yours, please take this opportunity for some normalcy, tomorrow is not promised to anyone.
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It's very difficult for you, your husband and mother-in-law. How is your husband coping? If your MIL has dementia, remember that she can have good days and bad days. She'll probably not remember what she said to you in a few days. Don't take it personally. Nobody likes changes, and they are more difficult for people with dementia and older people. Despite what she says, try to visit her as often as you can. There may be limitations during the pandemic. She may ask to be taken "home" which often means back to a time when she was independent and young. No you are not a horrible person. Talk to a social worker or therapist about this, if you need help coping. And if your mother is able, she may also benefit from a therapist. Talk to the people at her facility to find out how she is when you are not there, and what they suggest if she is feeling anxiety and resisting the move.
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Normal and typical and oh so painful. But you will be OK because you can talk about it, admit your feelings, know your limitations. Your writeup about this painful time is really quite beautiful.
There is no way to fix everything. There is only doing the very best you can.
Those of us who are good and decent people (translate MOST of us) have uncomfortable feelings around having to do things this painful. When my brother died last May there were days I longed to have his suffering over. And at the end, along with knowing that the man who has been here for me every single day of my 78 years was gone, I knew such relief. He had been diagnosed with probably early Lewy's. As we talked about everything all our lives we talked about this, where it would eventually take him, what he would lose, and how we, Hansel and Gretel in the Woods all our lives, would negotiate this scary forest together. Now he was gone. And my strongest feeling was relief. That he didn't have to go there anymore, with all the losses.
How do you say to someone that you felt RELIEF at the loss. You just DID. I just DID. And it is so important to tell the truth of these things. I don't believe for a second that your heart doesn't BREAK for her. I KNOW it does. But I also see you are strong enough to defend your one and only life the best you can and STILL take care of this poor woman. My heart breaks for her. There isn't a one of us who doesn't recognize that this, if we live long enough, is where we are going. And the awful truth is that we WILL, for the most part, be helpless and unwanted.
As much as I loved my bro we never for a moment thought about living together; I know my limitations. He knew his control issues.
We do the best we can. There is no way to avoid pain. Not for your MIL, not for you, not for my bro, not for me. But while life goes on we must live it for ourselves, and help others to the extent we are able.
My heart goes out to you. You did the right thing. You did it in the right way. It is just that there is no "fix" for any of this. We come face to face with out limitations, our inadequacies, and broken hearts all around.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you so much. I had just been struggling with my feelings of loving her but rapidly beginning to not "like" her. I know that we have made the right decision for the both of us.
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No, this kind of behavior thankfully id definitely not typical! How tragic for all of you! If, indeed the behavior of your demented relative was as described, you should not feel guilty. Obviously, this person needs careful close constant supervision in a facility that can watch over her day and night.Nobody should ever even consider trying to live with such a person. May God have mercy!
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AlAljames4 Aug 2020
Exactly!
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My FIL had a couple outbursts before they were able to move him into a SNF.  Mostly refusal of selfcare and to just leave him alone.  The one we witnessed was the day we visited a couple days before his move.  He had been having difficulty getting around needing a cane or a walker. Also having trouble getting out of a chair so they had bought him a lift chair.  As we were there and SIL was explaining to us the process he bolted out of his chair, yelled at us all to just leave him to die alone and lock him away and forget all about him, marched across the room and into the bathroom slamming the door behind him.  We just all sat there with our mouths open.  SIL said while he was reluctant on moving day it went well, he had been attending a day program at the facility so they had him attend that day and then instead of getting on the bus for home he went to his room in the facility.  The people in the day program visited him during the 1st few weeks so he had lots of familiar faces aside from family.
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After what you experienced on that day alone, you would be fine doing cartwheels. The memory loss and confusion are horrible, but the yelling and downright "mean"ness are sometimes even worse, aren't they? Don't feel guilty for enjoying the peace, quiet, and ability to form complex thoughts. You've earned them.
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AlAljames4 Aug 2020
Exactly!
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You are feeling a sense of relief from the constant responsibility that has become burdensome - that is absolutely a normal reaction. Nobody can survive happily under constant negativity, which is what many of the elders bring with them when they live with you. They are unhappy with their health and loss of “quality of life” and they take it out on their caretakers. Just having some privacy now, IN YOUR OWN HOME, must feel like you’ve gone to a private island resort. Do not feel bad, do not feel guilty. There are many people on this forum who wish they had the ability to make the same decision to move their “loved one” into a nursing home, but just cannot get to that point. Enjoy your newfound freedom.
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AlAljames4 Aug 2020
Exactly!
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Feeling relieved and happy is perfectly normal. Obviously from her behavior she needed to be in a facility. You did the right thing. Now she is safe and cared for 24/7. It may take you months to rest and recover. I hope in time she will welcome short visits. Sounds like she was a very different person than your mom. We are all different and these diseases bring out the worst of our personalities. I am caring for my mom and my husband's aunt. Their experiences with dementia is totally opposite.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Oh I am so sorry that you are dealing with two situations. That must be so hard. Thank you for your response. I am trying not to feel guilty for feeling so relieved.
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I'll make this short... your feelings are normal and appropriate. Mental illness/breaks change people's responses and thought processes. Love her and understand that she is not herself. She is where she should be. If you didn't love her, you wouldn't care. Be at peace that she is in a safe place with care. Bless you and your family.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am trying.
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You are not horrible and your feelings are perfectly normal!
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you....
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Yes you are having normal feelings!!! I can so relate to you because my mom died of a brain tumor too, and died at 64 only 4 months after diagnosis. The difference between that illness and dementia, which my dad had and just died at 99 is like night and day.
Your MIL has a brain disease that alters her thinking, rational side and behavior. It is very difficult to be around that behavior because it is often causes them to say cruel, crazy and hateful things. My dad too at times was verbally abusive. He also said we threw him away (a common thing they like to say). Please please please know that what you feel is so normal that it's likely that we all feel or felt it. I know you wish your MIL was like your mom just as I wished my dad could have been sweet like my mom but dear, this is dementia. Why wouldn’t you feel relief not to have to be under constant verbal abuse? Why wouldn’t you feel relief not to be under stress? Why wouldn’t you want a more normal life? I would also bet your husband is relieved too. You have done nothing wrong. You are feeling simply normal emotions so lose the stupid guilt. You are normal!
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you so much. It was just so hard to care for her when she was so hateful to me. And although my mom has been gone for 17 years now, it also made me miss her even more, having my MIL in my home. Alot of different emotions all tied up together and I just couldn't handle it. I am sorry about the passing of your mother. I'm sure it was the same situation with you, it was just such a shock for us that she passed so quickly after diagnosis.
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Being detached from your family is never easy. I know myself with divorce. Although not the same thing but in a sense being rejected is a hard thing for everyone. Even though she has dementia that is still a heart subject. My mother would talk about things she does with family members that had already passed away. And then there were times when she seemed perfectly normal. Your not a bad person putting her where she can get the care from trained individual's. I would say that is very caring on your part. So I wouldn't feel bad about that. You did what you could. We decided to keep my mother home up until the end and it was not easy. I know if and when my father needs to go I will be content in knowing I did what I could for him and he's getting the care that he needs.
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You are NOT a horrible person, you are someone who has been placed in a horrible situation. My MIL was the sweetest, kindest, most loving woman who used to love me like the daughter that she never had. But she developed Frontal Temporal Dementia and became a woman who didn’t know me and hated me for her own reasons.

Dementia is terrible thing, it steals our loved ones and places the caregivers in an impossible situation. Your relief is justified. We caregivers are not equipped or trained to deal with dementia. And even if we were, it’s such A terrible thing to deal with the abuse that comes with the disease.

I, too, was relieved when we moved my MIL to a locked facility. When she was living with us, I had to basically hide from her 24/7 in my own house. For 2 years I was a ghost, cooking dinner for her and my husband then making a plate to eat in our family room alone. If I sat at the table with my husband and MIL she would scream horrible things at me even when I was completely silent and attack me for no reason at all. Family functions were no better. Her family didn’t understand the disease or the person she had become. They couldn’t understand her hatred of me or why I would sit somewhere out of her sight, or leave a room when she walked in.

It broke our hearts to put her in a facility, but it gave me a small sense of peace to be able to live in my home without hiding from her. I could occasionally visit her and she would act like I wasn’t even there, but didn’t scream at and attack me.

You deserve your peace of mind in your own home. There is no reason to feel guilty or that you’ve done something wrong by her. We are not equipped to detach ourselves emotionally from those that we love while caregiving. I hope that everyone’s comments help you to feel better about the situation. You deserve to feel at peace.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
What a horrible situation for you! I am so sorry you had to endure that for 2 years! You are obviously a very strong person. I caved after just 6 months. Thank you for sharing that with me.
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You are relieved. You did the right thing. The facility knew this behavior ahead of time and knew they could deal with it. Her anxiety will be handled by the House Dr. When you drove away from your house she said "goodby"and that is very important for you. She "finally accepted". The house Dr. and staff will deal with all aspects of her behavior. For you and your family..."reliefe".(spell), If you do not have some peace...get some help to "let go" and get into your routine.
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You are not a horrible person.

“Dementia” MEANS that she can no longer use reason, facts, and personal observations to manage her reactions to the events in which she is involved.

Comparisons to your own thinking and behavior, or to your mother’s thinking and behavior, cannot result in valid interpretations of your MIL’s behavior. That includes what she is saying, or screaming, or yelling.

There are times and circumstances in the behavior of people with dementia, especially early on, when they may be able to function on a level that appears to be relatively reasonably. Two images helped me understand this.

The mind of a person with dementia may seem to “short circuit”, like an electrical appliance that isn’t firmly plugged into a socket. The electricity may light a light fixture, but the light may blink, or dim, or go out altogether. I have observed this in several relatives who had dementia.

Another example was given to me by a wonderful therapist who worked with my LO when she entered Memory Care. She described LO’s thinking like a donut of reason, which surrounded a mass of confusion, memory failure, anger, inability to recall and process what she was hearing......and said that LO was becoming more and more anxious because she was trying harder and harder maintain the donut of normalcy, but the mass of disrupted thinking increases and increases, making preserving the donut harder and harder.

No one is to blame, and ABSOLUTELY NO ONE should feel guilty. Your MIL has been placed, with love and consideration for her safety, in the best setting you could arrange for her. EVERYONE would have preferred that she and her loved ones be spared this vicious disease, but tragically she wasn’t.

Nearly ALL of us would have wanted to make other decisions on behalf of our LOs, BUT THERE WERE NO HAPPY, PERFECT DECISIONS AMONG THE CHOICES THAT WE HAD. So we made less than perfect choices and did the very best we could.

And so did you. Be at peace, and be grateful for the happiness you’ve earned.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you AnnReid.....
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