My S/O and I are in our 30s. I have daughter in highschool from a previous relationship, and we have a 2 month old baby. I am at the end of my maternity leave. I love my family and will bend over backwards for them when necessary. We live in a 2 bedroom house that I've owned for several years, my parents and my sibling and their spouse are also my neighbors. Both of my parents are disabled, but they get by and we often help them. My spouses' mother is also disabled, but she requires more "care". Lately I've been very stressed because for the past month and a half, she has been aty house every.single. day. She lives with her sibling, and she says it's visiting, but I suspect that she only wants to come here because we let her smoke. This woman is on oxygen (she removes the oxygen before she lights up, as long as we re there to remind her). She normally cannot take herself to the bathroom, she can't drive. So we have to pick her up and take her home, along with her wheelchair and walker (for the slim chance she feels like walking). I have steps leading to my house, which she can't use. So we have to inconvenience my sibling, and parents, and use their driveway and yard to bring my spouses mother here. And the exact same thing reversed to take her home. We help her to bathroom, we help her go outside to smoke, I don't smoke and hate cigarettes. We get her food for her and prepare it. Both my spouse and I work full time jobs, both in healthcare, different titles and shifts. My spouse can't drive yet, no license. (Working on it). So I have to pick him up at night time, he finds another way to work. We ve tried all sorts of other options, can't get Uber or Lyft. I work daylight hours. So pair all of this information I just gave, combine it with taking care of a baby, a materialistic teenage drama queen, my disabled parents, my disabled mother in law, and my spouse. Am I right for feeling this way? Is she too over bearing, am I taking on too much? When my MIL is here, I feel obligated to sit here with her. She says that she can help me with stuff, even though she can't even go to the bathroom herself. Is it wrong to have her not come here until she is better able to care for herself, even just a little? I just don't understand how somebody can impose on their kid like this knowing that they just had a baby and trying to make ends meet. I'm overwhelmed. Idk what to do, I hate telling people no, but I also know I have to to keep my sanity. I have to recharge from people.
No one would ever be permitted to smoke on my property , period , and never near a baby or oxygen even while turned off. It always amazes me that people still smoke if they need oxygen.
If no one picks her up, your MIL would not be at your house .
Learn to use these phrases,
“No I can not do that “
“ No , that will not be possible “.
I really think I don't have much to say that might help you.
You seem to be unable to set any limits for your own health and safety, or for the health and safety of your tiny baby. I am sorry to see that for you. But it's tragic to see for your little one.
You are an adult; your choices now must be your own.
But do consider the impact upon those in your charge who are too helpless to make good decisions for themselves. I wish the best for you and your family.
Congrats on the new baby.
You are going to have to toughen up with MIL.
You are a mother of two who you should put way before someone using you for entertainment. You don’t have time for this. Feel obligated to the children and your peace of mind.
Limit the time MIL can come over to almost zero. Like once a month. You have to have very firm boundaries. Don’t hesitate to say, not today. Actually not this week.
You aren’t helping her. You are enabling her and taking advantage of the entire family because you can’t say no.
Tell her no smoking at your house. You have to consider the example you are setting for the children if nothing else. You need rest not aggravation.
And Poppymae, Who do you think MIL will want for her full time caregiver? Certainly not the one who won’t let her smoke.