Really starting to dislike my father. He's 85 and has early/not quite moderate dementia, fully ambulatory. All he does is SIT, sleeps, eats and reads! Sits in the same clothes until I remind him it's been 3 days. Or when my daughter says Grandpa, you smell. Every Sunday is an argument to get him in the shower. His reasoning is he doesn't work up a sweat so he's not dirty. I feel like he takes advantage because he gets waited on. When his wife was alive, he did his own laundry, made his own coffee. Easy things. But he does NOTHING for himself. He turns a doctor appointment into an embarrassing social event, wasting their valuable time. He is an attention seeker. I hate taking him anywhere. I'm so angry. There are days I can't even speak to him, I'm so disgusted with him. My daughter works full time and has a special needs child, so I try not to ask her for help. But more than anything, I feel guilty because of how I feel about him.
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If you can't accept that this may be the new normal with worse to come it may be time to look into different living arrangements.
Depending on your living arrangements, it’s time for a deal. If you want my help, you do x, y & z. Otherwise you need to go somewhere else where you are paying for service.
Regarding the doctor, you could send in a note that says ‘He sees this as a social visit, please don’t let him waste your time’.
Toughen up! It’s the only way to change things.
Time to tell Dad its time for an AL if he can afford it. Otherwise its a LTC with Medicaid paying for it.
My mom can be the same way and it's MADDENING. WHY don't you get up and do things for yourself? And I made the mistake of doing waaaay too much for her, that she actually could do for herself. Someone here thought maybe I was enabling her. Darn it - they were right!! That was a real eye opener for me. I pulled back and made her do more for herself. Just like when my kids were little - if they CAN do it, they SHOULD do it.
Someone else told me that doing too much for our elders is not ENabling, it is DISabling. The less they do, they less the can do.
I have shared your disgust with my mom. WHY don't they care about taking care of themselves? Staying active? I just don't get it.
I think that you may be burnt out and need a break. Does he need to be supervised or can he be alone? If he can be alone, get out of the house more. I go to the gym almost every day to get me a break from mom. Even at home, I can not spend much time with her as I find it frustrating and boring. Conversation is so mind numbingly repetitive, I just can't take it.
Get someone in to spend time with him and get some time for yourself. Maybe send him to a senior center or senior daycare?
If/when you really can't take it, maybe move him into assisted living or a nursing home?
Best of luck!
Why are you caring for him? Do you have siblings?
What kinds of caregiving duties do you have to do for him?
What is his financial situation? Can he afford to live in a facility? (And is he paying you for living with you? He should be!)
My mother is 93 and lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living. My DH & I visited her yesterday & honest to God, I felt like pulling my hair out after about 20 minutes. Her behavior was beyond irritating, and nothing I said to her got through. Nothing. I even bought her an Alzheimer's clock which she now refuses to look at, and kept saying it was Sunday yesterday when the clock told her in HUGE letters it was Tuesday.
I could NEVER, ever, under ANY circumstances care for a demented elder in my home (or in their home). Why not take Alva's suggestion and look into Memory Care Assisted Living for your dad? Not only will he get some great activities to participate in, he'll get socialization with peers, 3 hot meals a day and 3 snacks, and a staff of people to look after his every need. You can go visit him and become the daughter again instead of the irritated caregiver. It's irritating ENOUGH to go visit.....but then you can leave!!!
Oh, and please DO NOT accept the Guilt Card lots of people here LOVE to use. Like saying Oh But He's Your FATHER and He's Put Up With YOU So Now YOU Owe HIM. Nonsense. Having children is a choice our parents made, and there was a bonus at the end......we grew up into useful members of society and had families and children of our own. Our parents are not going to do that.......they are going to continue to decline, especially with dementia, and reach a point where THEY become toddlers again, wearing adult briefs and needing 24/7 care, which is 100% a different story. Having your father cared for in an ALF is still giving him loving care; just in a hands off kind of way. There is still a TON of things to do for him when he's in an ALF, trust me, I know.
You owe it to yourself to look into ALF care for him AND for yourself. Good luck!
It will get worse. Do not feel guilty - the anger and dislike you are experiencing are the result of sustained tension, and are not about any fault in you or your father - but do get help.
Read up on enabling/reabling/disabling, which will give you extra reasons to get help for your father to increase his independence. Right now you're probably too stressed and overwound to work with him successfully on that, but don't let that stop you finding others who can.
He smells... ok,,give him baby wipes... Maybe he doesn't or cannot or refuses to sit on the hygiene chair, that allows him to sit on either side of the bathtub..
YOu can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.
He may not think he stinks...Anyway to convince him?
Just Know It Is Okay. You decide.. You give your dad a chance to visit places, or you hunt for yourself... see what looks best for y n dad.
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