Are caregivers planning ahead to reduce the caregiver stress their kids will experience in 20-30-40 years?

It has never occurred to me to ask my children to care for me and I would not. There are alternatives. I worked well past traditional retirement age to provide myself with a decent pension and I will manage what I have to within that. Asking them is simply not an option and never was. They have their own lives to live. I have a sig other now and we will work out what is needed for us without burdening our children. My father was placed in a facility as he aged and died there (much older than my mother) and she was still working by necessity), my mother and sig other's parents are in facilities. Children do have a role, but not on a daily basis.

As caregivers, we have a bit of inside information that others who have not walked in our shoes do not have. From this experience, I choose to pass all my worldly possessions (house and any money left) to our children now. Note: I was widowed at 59 from the man of my dreams so it is just me now and I will never remarry as I refuse to replace him with someone else.) I have insisted to our children that I want to live in a nursing home rather than with them. I adore our children and they treat me like gold. That's how I want them to remember things. If I hadn't done this caregiving, I would have never thought to make such a critical decision. and I feel good about it.

Believe me, this is a topic on my mind on a daily basis. I absolutely do not want to put my children through this even though they state they will do it no matter what. I love my mother dearly and I would make the same decision to be her caregiver, but it is difficult emotionally, mentally, physically, and every other "ally". But I do not want my childrens lives to be put "on hold" while they care for me. The sad thing about this is, my inlaws live with us, and that is the hardest of all, to have to make decisions for them, when they rebel. I pray I can implement a plan for my elder years to protect my children.

Four words I hate, I DON'T HAVE CHILDREN! Children are not commodities or investments for their parent's future elderly caregiving needs. I am an adult child and my sole existence isn't based on the needs of my parents. Catering to elderly parents are not a requirement of my birth. I live in America, not China or India where the birth of a female has no value and males births are required to ensure the parents of future care. In a civilized society, children are a blessing, not products of goods and services based on the supply and demand of future care of parents.

I bought a long term care insurance policy. I see how much it helps with expenses. At some point I plan to establish a trust to pay a case manager, a financial person and personal expenses. I hope not to live so long I am demented or frail, but after six years of caregiving, I know what is needed and its really hard to know how to cover all the bases. The people with someone checking on them get the best care.

Where I live, we have wonderful retirement home choices for those 55 years and older.... some communities offer small single family homes with zero lot lines which means quick yard maintenance.... club house.... walking trails.... indoor pools.... restaurants.... yada, yada, yada. Each year those retirement communities look better and better to me :) I could bond with new friends, and we can help each other go into the next step, independent apartments when the time comes, etc.

My parents, who are in their 90's, still live in a regular subdivision, in a 3 story single family house. Snow comes and the neighbors shovel out my parent's driveway.... neighbors bring the newspaper to the front door.... when Dad falls, there usually is a neighbor who spots him and tries to help. Where am I? Working because I am a woman of an era where we didn't get the high paying jobs, the big pensions, etc. because those jobs were given to men because women "usually get married and leave the company".... [sigh].

My parents have only Plan A which means I am there to drive them where ever they need to go, get their groceries, run errands. They could have easily afford a retirement community and wouldn't be so bored at home.

From what I have noticed, it is mainly the daughter or grand-daughter to be the caregiver. Why not the son or grandson? Why do we ask the girls to quit their jobs and not ask the boys? It's interesting the answers one get depending on what generation you ask.

My parents are pretty healthy for their age, I have a feeling they will out live me.

I'm having D-N-R tattooed on my chest. It's the best I can do. I'm 62.

I live my life. Some of habits (vices) will probably kill me but I enjoy them and why live beyond usefullness? Almost all of us despite a healthy life style get to the point where we are a burden either on our children or society because we live too long these days. I think many of us have been brainwashed into thinking we will live the entirety of our lives independent,productive and enjoying the company of our friends to the very end.Few of us will.The truth is ugly but it is the truth.We will eventually be warehoused in some nursing home, out of sight and out of mind so those behind us will not have to face what fate lies ahead.I am now retired. I will eat as I please, dress like an old fart, wear my wrinkles and saggy skin as a testament to hard work,smoke if I choose,drink and laugh while I can, spend my own money and the heck with the kids and tomorrow. I have no desire of trying to live into my 90's.I think a life that long is UNNATURAL and we all know it somewhere deep inside.

I haven't exactly planned ahead but I've been thinking. That's a start. I look after my MIL who lives about 40 or 50 feet from me. She has mild/moderate Alzheimer's and is still able to do most things for herself. I dispense her medicine to her twice a day and just check to make sure she's ok for the most part. I bring her dinner 5 nights a week, pick up groceries for her when she asks which has become more frequent, take her to doctor appointments or make arrangements for her to get there, etc. and am also raising two small children. If she needed me to start cleaning her house I could do that on a Saturday while dh is home to look after the kids. I don't foresee being able to do much more beyond that. I don't think most of the people who put their loved ones in a facility are necessarily selfish. I think a lot of us would take care of our loved ones ourselves if we were in a position to be able to do it.

But we're just not able. We're trying to balance caring for our loved ones and raising a family, maintaining a career to save for our own future and having to look after our own health. Some of our loved ones require care that only a trained professional could give.

I don't want my husband and/or children to have to make decisions about what to do with me. I don't want my children to have to give up their lives or careers, or have to sacrifice their marriages or families to have to take care of me. I would be doing them a disservice. I want them to love me enough to take care of me by advocating for me. I want them to do what is best for themselves as well as for me. Pick out a good home for me and make sure the staff is taking proper care of me. That is how they can take care of me in my old age.

My MIL doesn't want to go to a NH and I don't blame her. I don't want her to go. But there may not be any other choice. Do I wish things were different? Absolutely!

The human race has had millennia to work out how best to treat elders. But only 100 years or so to work out how to cope when so many people get as old as they routinely do now in western societies. No wonder we're floundering.

As we're the second, third, fourth generation who can expect to live past eighty and ought to be getting the hang of things, I'm sure we're all making mental notes so as not to repeat our grandparents' and parents' mistakes. And I'm equally sure that when the time comes we will make different mistakes instead.

Build up a pension. Make future care directives and give copies to your family, friends and lawyer. Research your options well in advance. Do everything you can now to make sure others aren't burdened by caring for you in the future. But you have no idea how things will look or how you will feel about it when and if you actually get there, so always remember: if you want to make God laugh, make a plan.

I will never want or allow my daughter to go through what I am going through as a caregiver for my dad. This was not a life I chose, but just obligated myself into (a story for another time).
I have told my daughter that I will have my place picked out and she can visit me once a week and must bring chocolate. :) She takes it as a joke, but I have told her that I am extremely serious.
She is an only child, unlike myself with 3 other siblings, but in the journey of taking care of my dad, I have become an only child. I do not want her to give up her life or time with her children (if/when that time comes) as I have done with her to have to care for me.
I am only in my early 40s and have taken steps to make sure that I can be taken care of by a caregiver (not my daughter) or in a facility. Caregiving for a parent is a hard life and while there are many rewards and laughter along the way, there is also a tremendous amount of stress that I would not wish upon anyone, especially my own child.

My mom has live with me for the past year and a half........knowing what I know now I will not do that to my kids. I can no longer come and go as I please, I dispense medications three times a day, prepare meals or mom won't eat.......etc., etc.,and mom isn't at her worst.....yet. At least mom's financially stable......but it doesn't make it any easier to put her in a home......which I want to do because she can be hard to deal with......any one out there just want their life back? Selfish as it sounds.........I do........because my mom sure enjoyed her life at my age.....without the responsibilities I have...........which is what I want back.......sigh.......okay.....now I feel guilty.......... :(

One more thought: While it may seem grim, many states are passing right to die legislation, and something tells me this is in anticipation of millions of boomers aging to the point where they've exceeded some established life expectancy. I predict many seniors, with/without children, knowing how little they can do for themselves, will turn to such legislation to avoid years of existence in minimal care facilities.

I'm not endorsing this option. I'm simply looking at the state of the economy and the fact that far fewer children, whose parents are boomers, will be in a financial position to care for aging parents. Parent's savings will be depleted by rising inflation, and unless things change, the standard of living for millions of our children won't be equal to or better than the standard of living boomers have today. This means new approaches to elder care will have to be devised to address "the new normal."

I don't think any of us can plan for our children to care for us later in life. What if we outlive our child/children? What if our children live abroad? What if our children are out of work, or barely earning enough to look after themselves? Many adult children, some in their 30s and 40s, are still living at home, frustrated by their lack of independence and personal achievement. For a parent, the idea of having an adult child already living with might sound like an instant solution, but if that adult child's personal struggles are great, would you want them taking care for you? I wouldn't, only because, if for no other reason, the risk of resentment and burnout would very high.

I think we have to make sure we have our legal documents in place, that we clearly state our wishes. If our children have to get involved, for any reason, they will know what our wishes are (in writing), and what checks and balances are in place to prevent unnecessary disputes and power struggles.

If you're lucky enough to be independently wealthy, you can buy whatever care you need. If not, you'll have to inform yourself regarding all the options out there, and be realistic about what you'll be able to afford and what level of care you'd be willing to live with.

None of us know what tomorrow will bring, but making a plan for our care that doesn't include our children looking after us is sensible. If your children can assist in some way, that's a bonus.

I have worked in the field of geriatric homecare for over 26 years. Even those who have taken care of their health still need help later in life. Loss of memory, mobility issues etc.
It's fine to plan in advance and have POA and updated will etc. but I still wonder what someone like myself who is single with no children is suppose to do when I am not able to do the day to day things of daily living that we all take for granted now. I may need home help before I need to go into a care home, so I worry who will set that up if I have dementia? A lot of things to think about for single people with no children.

What can be done other than living as healthily as possible, buying long-term care insurance, paying off all debts, getting health insurance, telling your family not to feel guilty about not doing too much, and, if all else fails, planning an early exit (perhaps one can hire a hit man with clear directions as to where and when?)?

My (American) point of view is that I expect my daughter to "take care of me," but not to take care of my body. As people discover when their loved one enters a facility, there is still caregiving to do even without the hands-on physical care. I expect her not to abandon me, but I also expect her not to martyr herself in the process.

My mother said that the breaking point comes when the loved one becomes incontinent, because it just gets too hard. I know lots of you do push right past that barrier, but that's what I'm using for planning purposes. That's when I will start trying to get my husband into professional care, and that's when I will tell my daughter to get herself out from under with me.

When men plan, the gods laugh. But we still have to plan.

I know this topic is not been noted on in a long while.. but found it a very interesting question.. I would love to hear from an (Asian or Phillipino) background responder- I think they have an interesting viewpoint re:children & grandchildren caring elderly family members..and I bet strikingly different than our 'Western Culture' theology... Any out there willing to respond? Love to hear it.

Annet: I love your idea of the 'old people commune' or 'assist eachother living' facilities, where we all end up helping eachother instead of going into a facility. Sounds much more humane than our current system of elder care.

I also dread the though of my son having to take care of me in my old age (now 63). I keep saying I'm going to write a list of instructions for how I wish to be taken care of in a facility, and just have him oversee that my wishes are respected, and I am not being mistreated. But of course, I have not done it yet! Verbally I have told him the basics. I've got the will done, but have yet to do medical and financial POA's for my son. Like many others here, I am too entrenched in caregiving to take time for my own arrangements - but it's on the list!

My husband and I have long term care insurance, retirement, etc.

We have sat with our kids and made our wishes known, that we love them and trust their judgement and if we need care, they are to do what is best for us and move us to residential care and that we do not want them to be primary caregivers. We hope that we will be able to accept those moves without incidence...but so many elders stay in their home unable to care for themselves or make good choices and their children don't feel empowered to move them. Parents with impaired judgement aren't capable of making the decision and feel like the family should be helping with their care and property upkeep. The world has changed and families just don't have time or skill set for long term care providing.

We've empowered our children to move us against our will when the time comes. We've also enlisted friends to help our children do this if they are reluctant or unsure.

I will never burden my children with caring for me. I want them to live their life and just be my sons.

I have no intentions of living long enough to acquire care. I have struggled with MS my entire adult life. While I have had a rich fulfilling life, I will be at peace with assisted suicide. I have no intention of adding old age to the struggle. Comes the day I can't take care of myself, I buy a fifth of Knob's Creek bourbon, and say goodbye.

Yes, I will definitely make my arrangements so no one in my family ever goes thru what myself and my sisters did to take care of our dad. What we did made his life sooo much easier & it's what probably made him live until 90, he just recently passed away August 10, 2013, but it caused sooo many arguments, so much paperwork,so much in travel time, phone calls, so much in lost wages going to see now what was wrong, it was so exhausting at times you just wanted to sit down and cry...which I did many times..So I will make sure I have the means to end my life on my own terms before I ever have to make my family/children go thru what we had to go thru. I do not want to end up in Assisted Living or a Nursing Home. I have seen too many things that go on in these places and I am not going to let that happen to me. I am not saying that all these places are like that, but the majority of the ones I saw, were. Low wages bring in young girls that do not care about patients, they need the paycheck while they are looking for a new job, or are going to school, & they just don't give a hoot. Everyone is entitled to plan what they want for their future for their retirement and for their death, and these are things right now that I wish for....Who knows in the future I may change my mind, I am a woman you know!!

Queen - I am almost 57 yrs old and have been a full time caregiver for my mother for the past 2 1/2 yrs. I should be working, earning money towards my own retirement and/or disability, but I am not. I am jeopardizing my future to care for my mother. Do I want my own children to do the same thing? No way. I want my own children to continue to work to ensure their financial security in retirement. That is not selfish at all. That is practical.

It sounds like we need to create some old people communes where we can live together, help each other, maintain independence, pool money, hire people to come in and help etc... "Assist each other living" without the corporate influence and profit basis that ruins the facilities we all fear.

As for me, I have no children so I will probably end up in a home or pray I die in my sleep.

While many believe there are more options for the aging, I do not agree with those options. I am not a fan of nursing homes or anything like that, if I can do what my friend is doing. A friend of mine that has no children, she hires her someone to assist her so she can continue to live in her home.

I do not want to go to a home, but if that is what comes down to I won't a choice. I have no idea if my stepson's will step up to the plate, but right now they are a bit too selfish to care about anyone else.

So for me it will probably be the home or me hiring someone to care for me.

I am sorry but I am against nursing homes and hope that many of them will close down. I hope and pray we get back to where family matters to where people will go back to their roots and care for their loved ones. There are many cultures that believe in caring for their elderly and I would like to see this happen in the future.

I hope it won't come to that for you kathyt1. You sound like a very thoughtful and organized person.

I too will take my own life when Multiple sclerosis becomes too much to bear. I want to be in control of my life to the end. I exercise, eat well, try to limit stress, and avoid doctors. Caregiving is the toughest thing I have ever done, and has given the biggest rewards, but I don't want anyone doing it for me. I have all the documents in place, my wishes are known.

To fortress, my biggest fight in caregiving is making sure Dad has control at all times. Just because he is so feeble and fragile, his mind is sound even if he garbles the message. It is frightening how quickly people want to shut him up in a nursing home. I agree with you, if I have a heart attack or cancer I am not fighting it. I will die with it. What my 91 year old Dad endures everyday, I don't want to happen to me.

Hi 3 Pink: Glad to see you posting. I think you are a super mom and I agree with all you've said. Here's a thought I had reading your post. Your FIL and dad were the nicest men and suffered painful illnesses. Both were married to woman who complained all the time.....your mom for sure was not easy and still is not. Talk about an example of being around toxic energy. You clearly took after your dad and you are a blessing not only to your daughters, but to everyone on this site.

Jeannie: I hear you loud and clear. We are grateful to you for all of you many helpful and well thought out responses to all on AC. We are all going to die of something and it is good to act on our own behalf to stay healthy, but there are so many people, children too, who through no fault of their own, face debilitating, chronic or terminal illnesses. I had a friend who was the director of hospice in my old home town. She thought a big old heart attack, dead before you hit the ground, was a pretty good deal.

As for us, we have long term care insurance too, but it won't be enough to take care of us. We need to get on with the will, POA, and health care directives. It's amazing that we have not done that, but the past 7 years have been taken up with my folks and the time just slips by. Good reminder for me. Going to call our attorney friend next week. No, I don't want my son or my granddaughter to take care of us. It's really such a difficult job and seems to come at a time when your kids are just reaching their stride or getting ready to retire.

Hugs to all. Cattails

Jola, your point that we have many opportunities at which to make choices for our own old-age health is well taken. It reminds me of the t-shirt slogan, "If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of my body."

But your post comes a little too close to blaming the victim for comfort, in my opinion. I think of my husband who took excellent care of his health (according to current knowledge and recommendations) and has outlived his family life expectancy by decades, only to develop dementia. And he felt cheated that his father and brothers got to die of heart attacks in bed, and he is faced with living out his old age dependent on the care of others. At what fork in the road did he make the wrong decision? His doctors and researchers sure don't know.

To answer annet's question for myself, I've taken out long term care insurance, although the amount is already too small to be meaningful. I've done the POA and Health Care Directive. But who has time and energy and money to do more than that? And I'm afraid the experience of caregiving someone with dementia hasn't inspired me to be super careful about my own health. My cardiologist lectures me and and I think of my husband wishing he'd had a heart attack. So if I take better care of myself I will live longer and have a better chance of developing dementia. And this is a good thing because ... ? Hmm.

So many insightful answers on this post. The judgemental ones aside, seems to be a consensus that we are responsible as much as possible for our future elderly years. When I look at how my children have been affected by the negativity of their grandmothers (the grandfathers were totally different) and the constant complaining about "getting old" - "don't get old" hearing it a thousand times "gets old". There are those that grow old gracefully and those that don't. Much of it has to do with choice and the blessing of good health. But, also there are those who accept their fate of various illnesses without torturing their families.

My father in law passed away in his sleep - in the Catholic faith, this is considered a "blessed death" - justly received by one of the kindest men (outside of my father) I have ever known. He had crippling arthritis in both knees; suffered immense pain and worked until the day he died at 83. Never, I mean never complained. My father as well had numerous ailments and suffered the torment of a narcissistic wife. Never complained as well. So, my perspective of aging has seen both sides.

Aging is a part of life - I live with chronic pain so my perspective is also from this experience. I know what it is to lose a part of your life, to often be housebound, to miss out on some of my kids school functions, etc. etc. etc. and numerous social gatherings with friends, and not to torture my children with my pain. So, after having to listen to the constant complaining from my MIL and mother about "the aging process" after they lived quite wonderful lives, I know first hand that there is a choice on how you view what happens to you and you have a choice on how to deal with it.

I know dementia can distort the thinking of even the kindest person and cause them to actually change in demeanor and personality; and in this they have no control over it. This is heartbreaking, but more palatable as it is justified, rather than those that just take out their old age frustrations on their families.

In planning for my future elder years, the main focus will be taking care of myself to the best of my ability. My three beautiful daughters are never to go through (again) what they endured with their domineering, self-centered grandmothers. I'm not like their grandmothers in any way and I don't want my children to go through what I have had to undertake. I've already told them their is to be no guilt whatsoever in any decisions they have to make regarding my elderly years. In no way do I ever want to be a burden; it is not my style and certainly don't want it to be my legacy. I had children because I longed to be a mother and take care of them. That in NO WAY is the same thing as taking care of an elderly parent; especially a demanding one. I didn't have children for them to take care of me.

I don't regret the caregiving I have given and continue to give; but it has taught me that I don't want my children to have similar experiences...I love them too much and want more for them.