Are caregivers planning ahead to reduce the caregiver stress their kids will experience in 20-30-40 years?

Few are, as we are too swamped by our own caregiving demands. Our society needs to do a mental shift so people can do just as you suggest. Most of us get into caregiving slowly and then don't have much time to even think. Good question!
Carol

Thanks Carol. I'd like to make sure my kids avoid the worst of the stuff we are dealing with. Long term care insurance is a start I guess but the thought of long term nursing care is not very nice. Medicine needs to focus on dementia, keeping the body alive is not enough.

If they care for their children they are. I certainly hope so.

I will not do this to my family. My mother told me the other day that I was lucky to have a granddaughter to take care of me. I told her I would never do that to someone I loved.

I plan to research facilities and move to one. What my mother has done to me has to stop. And it will stop with me. It's unfair to ask a anyone to take on the elderly.

After caring for my mother in law in our home, I have promised myself I will not burden my daughter with the responsibility of taking me in. My husband and sister both know my wishes and have my competent permission (should I become incompetent later) to place me in a facility that meets my needs without feeling guilty. It is what I want for me and for them. In fact, once Mom is gone, my husband and I are looking into a retirement home for us. I've had it with cooking, cleaning, etc. Let someone else do it while I enjoy my life.

Agnes-I would think that care giving stress is something that everyone is trying to do -and NOW- Perhaps in years to follow it will be less-with the advances in medicine. Keep in mind the importance of taking 'ME TIME' for yourself-and hope that it will follow in future generations.
Best,
Hap

We do not have children to take care of us.

Watching my dad go downhill and the guilt and constant worry about him in a nursing home... etc... HAS got us thinking of getting our house ready for us to live here a long time even as we get older.

We do not want to end up in a retirement or nursing home. We know that is not for us now.

We are trying to plan for our future and caring for my dad has made us old before our time..... and old thinking before our time.

It also scares me how quickly & easily they take the control away from the elderly person and give it to the POA and/or children. My dad is a little flaky sometimes (when drugged) but that is no excuse to label him as alzheimers and take away his decision making control.
Making sure no one does that to me is one thing I am trying to make sure does not happen.

I have been speaking to my son and will definitely get an attorney to make up my living (sane) will. I would NEVER want my son or grandson to go through this.

I do not have kids of my own, so am hoping that at the end one of my nieces of nephews will have pity on me. But I will make my will, POA, and take care of all bills including burial, and hopefully leave a bit of money for each of them.

And if I get to the point where I am very sick, I will end my own life. I know many people don't believe in this, but I believe that if life is no longer a "life" why continue it for the sheer pain, or to avoid pain of others.

I hope to let the kids know that I love them all and not to grieve for me. After seeing my mother suffer so much, I have bowed to get myself in the best possible health and as I age I will care not to be a burden on any of them. Unless fate hands me something I can't change, I will not be a burden on my nieces and nephews.

I know - and I'm not sure how I know - but I know I will be the one that buries my family. I am dealing now with my mother's death (11/2/10) and I know that within a year I will deal with my baby brother's death. I will bury my father and my siblings one by one, and hopefully carry some of the pain for the family and for their kids of those siblings that had kids.

Life is so hard, and death is so painful.

maggiesue - Your mind has been distorted by constructed reality. You are selfish and self centered. There is no greater mission than to give ourselves to others that is why we exist, live, and breath. Your way of thinking is why America is on course with self destruction. Take some time to think about what I have said and get back to me.

Please let us not judge people, this is meant to be a safe place for us to vent. There is nothing wrong with wanting our kids to have more fun and less stress than we may be having right now. With any luck we get old and die peacefully without drama, otherwise, the struggle can be tough and we should plan ahead.

Queen,

Thanks for the tip. I'm sure you believe everything you say. But I don't believe my mission is to give myself to others. Isn't it nice to live in America where we can each have our own beliefs?

To me, the best way to reduce the caregiving-related stress that our kids will otherwise experience in 20-30-40 years is to be smarter than the average person in this country is being about his health and his future.

People so often seem to think that their aging MUST involve disease, suffering, pain, and loss of independence simply because that's what inevitably happens when people get older. Yet many people in this world have been able to age well, to live on their own into their 90s, and to avoid disease--or to conquer it.

Doesn't it make sense to look at their examples and decide this is how WE will age as well?

Each day there's a fork in the road and a choice we can make in terms of our health. We can cope with our stressors using excessive amounts of sugar, alcohol, or cigarettes--like many people do---and perhaps end up in a hospice some day with diabetes, cirrhosis of the liver, or lung cancer. Or, we can choose our future and our health by making good choices in terms of diet, lifestyle, prevention and by finding better ways to cope with our frustrations, such as meditation or prayer or seeking out someone to talk with when we need to.

We can allow ourselves to tense our muscles 24x7, enduring years of back and neck and shoulder pain--like many people do--along the way taking NSAIDS, having steroid injections, and eventually, when it's pretty much bone against bone, having surgery and then perhaps being told nothing more can be done and that we'll just have to live with the pain. Or, we can take the time now to learn how to truly relax and live in the moment more often and work towards treating our body (including our muscles) with kindness.

As someone who battled TMJ/TMD and RSI and eventually won (currently 5+ years symptom-free in spite of not having surgery and still being at the keyboard 8-10 hours a day) I have learned that sometimes you have to ignore the negative voices around you that claim you are doomed to a life of pain and/or a loss of independence due to your circumstances. Sometimes, not all the time, the answer is still waiting to be found if we just keep open, keep listening, and refuse to give up on ourselves.

Aging may be a part of life, but how we do so is largely up to us.

So many insightful answers on this post. The judgemental ones aside, seems to be a consensus that we are responsible as much as possible for our future elderly years. When I look at how my children have been affected by the negativity of their grandmothers (the grandfathers were totally different) and the constant complaining about "getting old" - "don't get old" hearing it a thousand times "gets old". There are those that grow old gracefully and those that don't. Much of it has to do with choice and the blessing of good health. But, also there are those who accept their fate of various illnesses without torturing their families.

My father in law passed away in his sleep - in the Catholic faith, this is considered a "blessed death" - justly received by one of the kindest men (outside of my father) I have ever known. He had crippling arthritis in both knees; suffered immense pain and worked until the day he died at 83. Never, I mean never complained. My father as well had numerous ailments and suffered the torment of a narcissistic wife. Never complained as well. So, my perspective of aging has seen both sides.

Aging is a part of life - I live with chronic pain so my perspective is also from this experience. I know what it is to lose a part of your life, to often be housebound, to miss out on some of my kids school functions, etc. etc. etc. and numerous social gatherings with friends, and not to torture my children with my pain. So, after having to listen to the constant complaining from my MIL and mother about "the aging process" after they lived quite wonderful lives, I know first hand that there is a choice on how you view what happens to you and you have a choice on how to deal with it.

I know dementia can distort the thinking of even the kindest person and cause them to actually change in demeanor and personality; and in this they have no control over it. This is heartbreaking, but more palatable as it is justified, rather than those that just take out their old age frustrations on their families.

In planning for my future elder years, the main focus will be taking care of myself to the best of my ability. My three beautiful daughters are never to go through (again) what they endured with their domineering, self-centered grandmothers. I'm not like their grandmothers in any way and I don't want my children to go through what I have had to undertake. I've already told them their is to be no guilt whatsoever in any decisions they have to make regarding my elderly years. In no way do I ever want to be a burden; it is not my style and certainly don't want it to be my legacy. I had children because I longed to be a mother and take care of them. That in NO WAY is the same thing as taking care of an elderly parent; especially a demanding one. I didn't have children for them to take care of me.

I don't regret the caregiving I have given and continue to give; but it has taught me that I don't want my children to have similar experiences...I love them too much and want more for them.

Jola, your point that we have many opportunities at which to make choices for our own old-age health is well taken. It reminds me of the t-shirt slogan, "If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of my body."

But your post comes a little too close to blaming the victim for comfort, in my opinion. I think of my husband who took excellent care of his health (according to current knowledge and recommendations) and has outlived his family life expectancy by decades, only to develop dementia. And he felt cheated that his father and brothers got to die of heart attacks in bed, and he is faced with living out his old age dependent on the care of others. At what fork in the road did he make the wrong decision? His doctors and researchers sure don't know.

To answer annet's question for myself, I've taken out long term care insurance, although the amount is already too small to be meaningful. I've done the POA and Health Care Directive. But who has time and energy and money to do more than that? And I'm afraid the experience of caregiving someone with dementia hasn't inspired me to be super careful about my own health. My cardiologist lectures me and and I think of my husband wishing he'd had a heart attack. So if I take better care of myself I will live longer and have a better chance of developing dementia. And this is a good thing because ... ? Hmm.

Hi 3 Pink: Glad to see you posting. I think you are a super mom and I agree with all you've said. Here's a thought I had reading your post. Your FIL and dad were the nicest men and suffered painful illnesses. Both were married to woman who complained all the time.....your mom for sure was not easy and still is not. Talk about an example of being around toxic energy. You clearly took after your dad and you are a blessing not only to your daughters, but to everyone on this site.

Jeannie: I hear you loud and clear. We are grateful to you for all of you many helpful and well thought out responses to all on AC. We are all going to die of something and it is good to act on our own behalf to stay healthy, but there are so many people, children too, who through no fault of their own, face debilitating, chronic or terminal illnesses. I had a friend who was the director of hospice in my old home town. She thought a big old heart attack, dead before you hit the ground, was a pretty good deal.

As for us, we have long term care insurance too, but it won't be enough to take care of us. We need to get on with the will, POA, and health care directives. It's amazing that we have not done that, but the past 7 years have been taken up with my folks and the time just slips by. Good reminder for me. Going to call our attorney friend next week. No, I don't want my son or my granddaughter to take care of us. It's really such a difficult job and seems to come at a time when your kids are just reaching their stride or getting ready to retire.

Hugs to all. Cattails

I too will take my own life when Multiple sclerosis becomes too much to bear. I want to be in control of my life to the end. I exercise, eat well, try to limit stress, and avoid doctors. Caregiving is the toughest thing I have ever done, and has given the biggest rewards, but I don't want anyone doing it for me. I have all the documents in place, my wishes are known.

To fortress, my biggest fight in caregiving is making sure Dad has control at all times. Just because he is so feeble and fragile, his mind is sound even if he garbles the message. It is frightening how quickly people want to shut him up in a nursing home. I agree with you, if I have a heart attack or cancer I am not fighting it. I will die with it. What my 91 year old Dad endures everyday, I don't want to happen to me.

I hope it won't come to that for you kathyt1. You sound like a very thoughtful and organized person.

As for me, I have no children so I will probably end up in a home or pray I die in my sleep.

While many believe there are more options for the aging, I do not agree with those options. I am not a fan of nursing homes or anything like that, if I can do what my friend is doing. A friend of mine that has no children, she hires her someone to assist her so she can continue to live in her home.

I do not want to go to a home, but if that is what comes down to I won't a choice. I have no idea if my stepson's will step up to the plate, but right now they are a bit too selfish to care about anyone else.

So for me it will probably be the home or me hiring someone to care for me.

I am sorry but I am against nursing homes and hope that many of them will close down. I hope and pray we get back to where family matters to where people will go back to their roots and care for their loved ones. There are many cultures that believe in caring for their elderly and I would like to see this happen in the future.

It sounds like we need to create some old people communes where we can live together, help each other, maintain independence, pool money, hire people to come in and help etc... "Assist each other living" without the corporate influence and profit basis that ruins the facilities we all fear.

Queen - I am almost 57 yrs old and have been a full time caregiver for my mother for the past 2 1/2 yrs. I should be working, earning money towards my own retirement and/or disability, but I am not. I am jeopardizing my future to care for my mother. Do I want my own children to do the same thing? No way. I want my own children to continue to work to ensure their financial security in retirement. That is not selfish at all. That is practical.

Yes, I will definitely make my arrangements so no one in my family ever goes thru what myself and my sisters did to take care of our dad. What we did made his life sooo much easier & it's what probably made him live until 90, he just recently passed away August 10, 2013, but it caused sooo many arguments, so much paperwork,so much in travel time, phone calls, so much in lost wages going to see now what was wrong, it was so exhausting at times you just wanted to sit down and cry...which I did many times..So I will make sure I have the means to end my life on my own terms before I ever have to make my family/children go thru what we had to go thru. I do not want to end up in Assisted Living or a Nursing Home. I have seen too many things that go on in these places and I am not going to let that happen to me. I am not saying that all these places are like that, but the majority of the ones I saw, were. Low wages bring in young girls that do not care about patients, they need the paycheck while they are looking for a new job, or are going to school, & they just don't give a hoot. Everyone is entitled to plan what they want for their future for their retirement and for their death, and these are things right now that I wish for....Who knows in the future I may change my mind, I am a woman you know!!

I have no intentions of living long enough to acquire care. I have struggled with MS my entire adult life. While I have had a rich fulfilling life, I will be at peace with assisted suicide. I have no intention of adding old age to the struggle. Comes the day I can't take care of myself, I buy a fifth of Knob's Creek bourbon, and say goodbye.

My husband and I have long term care insurance, retirement, etc.

We have sat with our kids and made our wishes known, that we love them and trust their judgement and if we need care, they are to do what is best for us and move us to residential care and that we do not want them to be primary caregivers. We hope that we will be able to accept those moves without incidence...but so many elders stay in their home unable to care for themselves or make good choices and their children don't feel empowered to move them. Parents with impaired judgement aren't capable of making the decision and feel like the family should be helping with their care and property upkeep. The world has changed and families just don't have time or skill set for long term care providing.

We've empowered our children to move us against our will when the time comes. We've also enlisted friends to help our children do this if they are reluctant or unsure.

I will never burden my children with caring for me. I want them to live their life and just be my sons.

Annet: I love your idea of the 'old people commune' or 'assist eachother living' facilities, where we all end up helping eachother instead of going into a facility. Sounds much more humane than our current system of elder care.

I also dread the though of my son having to take care of me in my old age (now 63). I keep saying I'm going to write a list of instructions for how I wish to be taken care of in a facility, and just have him oversee that my wishes are respected, and I am not being mistreated. But of course, I have not done it yet! Verbally I have told him the basics. I've got the will done, but have yet to do medical and financial POA's for my son. Like many others here, I am too entrenched in caregiving to take time for my own arrangements - but it's on the list!

I know this topic is not been noted on in a long while.. but found it a very interesting question.. I would love to hear from an (Asian or Phillipino) background responder- I think they have an interesting viewpoint re:children & grandchildren caring elderly family members..and I bet strikingly different than our 'Western Culture' theology... Any out there willing to respond? Love to hear it.

My (American) point of view is that I expect my daughter to "take care of me," but not to take care of my body. As people discover when their loved one enters a facility, there is still caregiving to do even without the hands-on physical care. I expect her not to abandon me, but I also expect her not to martyr herself in the process.

My mother said that the breaking point comes when the loved one becomes incontinent, because it just gets too hard. I know lots of you do push right past that barrier, but that's what I'm using for planning purposes. That's when I will start trying to get my husband into professional care, and that's when I will tell my daughter to get herself out from under with me.

When men plan, the gods laugh. But we still have to plan.

What can be done other than living as healthily as possible, buying long-term care insurance, paying off all debts, getting health insurance, telling your family not to feel guilty about not doing too much, and, if all else fails, planning an early exit (perhaps one can hire a hit man with clear directions as to where and when?)?

I have worked in the field of geriatric homecare for over 26 years. Even those who have taken care of their health still need help later in life. Loss of memory, mobility issues etc.
It's fine to plan in advance and have POA and updated will etc. but I still wonder what someone like myself who is single with no children is suppose to do when I am not able to do the day to day things of daily living that we all take for granted now. I may need home help before I need to go into a care home, so I worry who will set that up if I have dementia? A lot of things to think about for single people with no children.

I don't think any of us can plan for our children to care for us later in life. What if we outlive our child/children? What if our children live abroad? What if our children are out of work, or barely earning enough to look after themselves? Many adult children, some in their 30s and 40s, are still living at home, frustrated by their lack of independence and personal achievement. For a parent, the idea of having an adult child already living with might sound like an instant solution, but if that adult child's personal struggles are great, would you want them taking care for you? I wouldn't, only because, if for no other reason, the risk of resentment and burnout would very high.

I think we have to make sure we have our legal documents in place, that we clearly state our wishes. If our children have to get involved, for any reason, they will know what our wishes are (in writing), and what checks and balances are in place to prevent unnecessary disputes and power struggles.

If you're lucky enough to be independently wealthy, you can buy whatever care you need. If not, you'll have to inform yourself regarding all the options out there, and be realistic about what you'll be able to afford and what level of care you'd be willing to live with.

None of us know what tomorrow will bring, but making a plan for our care that doesn't include our children looking after us is sensible. If your children can assist in some way, that's a bonus.