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My aunt died within three months of being admitted to an expensive $5000 per month assisted living facility. She was well when she was admitted, but caught the flu from other patients. She had fulltime home assistance, but that was not good enough for her children, who wanted to sell the house in Santa Cruz full of antiques. I consider it elder abuse to remove an elderly parent against their will.

Well some of us here consider it elder abuse to deny an elder the proper level of care they need.

instead of judging your cousins, sympathize with them. Clearly you’ve never been in their shoes. You have no idea just how hard it is to make the decision to place a parent in a care facility. You weren’t the one managing her care, her children were. She may have had full time care but do you have ANY IDEA how much that costs? And how much work her children still had to do? Probably not.
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marte48 Jan 10, 2020
I take care of my 99 year old mother 24/7 - something my cousins would not consider doing for their mother. My mother is outliving her sister, my aunt, by 20 years.
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Marte did I hear a wee bit of envy in your last response about your “spoiled rotten” cousins to worriedincali ?
I see, you are here to vent. Well that’s ok but don’t spar with posters here to give you advice.
You sound angry. Have you thought of getting some counseling to teach you to cope with your anger and resentment?
I am sorry for the loss of your aunt. Let go of your anger towards your cousins as it’s really none of your concern how they managed their mother’s care & “the house in Santa Clara” is water under the bridge. Her kids probably has to sell to have the money for AL.
I sense you would like to have had the financial resources for your mother as well. A lot of us do but we just DON’T.
I hope your are ok working through your grief.
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Firstly, the flu spreads so easily, so I'm not sure that not going to a nursing home would be any guarantee you would not get it. But you say your aunt had full time care? How was that being paid for? It is VERY expensive and basically you need to have, or be, a care manager, to be sure days when caregivers are not able to be there, are covered.  Actually it is a lot of work to manage and I'm wondering if the children were not able to continue with the  burden.  I cannot agree with you that removing an elder from their house against their will is necessarily abuse at all.  I mean, the elder who wants to stay in their home and needs to cannibalize their children to do so? Is that not abuse? This question needs to be considered by individual circumstances and a decision made that is fair to all, not just what the elder wants.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 10, 2020
Your term "cannibalize their children" is perfect for what we hear so often here.
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Unfortunately, it frequently comes down to money, doesn't it? I am a proponent of keeping someone in their home for as long as possible, especially with dementia involved. Familiar settings and routine help tremendously.

My mom is extremely lucky to be able to afford the 24/7 care she needs and remain in her own home with advanced AD. After 5 yrs of varying degrees of in-home care, she has finally started to accept the fact that someone else is always there. Don't get me wrong, my mom is not rich by any means. She and my father were teachers for 30+ years, so she receives a pension rather than SS. But my father (God rest his soul) did three things before he passed: (1) He made sure the house was paid off, (2) he set up a LTC insurance policy for my mom, and (3) he took less of his pension while he was alive, so it would continue for my mom after his death. Between my mom's LTC insurance and two pensions, she is able to pay for 24/7 in-home care ($500/day adds up quickly!). Food, utilities, incidentals, Medicare premiums, etc. are paid from savings; but, honestly, everything else ends up costing WAY less than the in-home care.

What's my point? I think my point is this: All of us need to figure out NOW (when we're 40, 50, or 60) how we want to live out the last years of our lives and how WE are going to pay for it, so our loved ones don't end up fighting over these decisions when the time comes. If the money just isn't there for in-home care, then come to grips with it now while you're still able to form rational thoughts. Figure out a plan that is reasonable and put it in place!

My two cents.
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marte48 Jan 10, 2020
Thanks for your reply. Alas, not all of us has total control over the forces in our lives. When Lockheed layed off 20,000 (75%) of its workforce, I was out of a job with two little kids in school and a disabled husband. 250,000 - a quarter of a million people - lost their jobs in the SF bay area - right before the world changed with the release of Netscape. Did you go back to school at 50 to learn HTML? Java? Php? Javascript? CSS? and ten different other versions of this and that? It was good for those who were in school and young enough to study something they could base a career on, but that was not the case for most of the 250,000 people without jobs suddenly. Very few could take early retirements. Many would not have health insurance ever again. Silicon Valley doesn't like to talk about it. The furthest back they remember is the dotcom crash in 2000 which also deleted jobs for 5 years. A few years later was the 2008 meltdown, and anyone who had not recovered from the two previous recessions was pretty much out of luck. My uncle and aunt succeeded because they came here in the 1950's after medical school on the GI Bill, and started buying property when it was $5-10K. They bought many things - houses, apartment buildings, restaurants, etc. and then a mansion on Montalvo Road. (My parents were not so lucky.) My cousins couldn't liquidate everything fast enough. They only wanted the cash. I can only shrug at people who lecture me about "not planning enough."
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I'm with Lymie...........what is your question? Full time in home care is a whole lot more expensive than Assisted Living, so perhaps that was a contributing factor to placing your Aunt.

So sorry for your loss; my condolences.
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your aunt. That had to have been devastating for you.

Is it possible that your Aunt's family saw decline in your Aunt that you were not privy to? If they were the ones overseeing her care, they may know that she was not safe in her home anymore.

In my family's case, when we have to remove MIL from her home, you can bet it will be against her will. She refuses to consider assisted living, a SR apartment, or any nursing home. She just wants to "stay in this house" - consequences be damned!

She really shouldn't be living on her own at this point, but the family keeps trying to do all we can to keep her there (in spite of all she does that thwarts our efforts!) And to the outside world, and extended family - it looks like it's all great. And she will be quick to tell you she is doing "Just fine on her own" - but that is simply not true.

So while it may seem cruel and unfair to "remove" someone from their home, honestly, sometimes the person leaves us no choice.
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marte48 Jan 10, 2020
The cousin who convinced her to give up her rights committed suicide. He was the one who was nuts. I tried to warn my aunt, but she would not listen. I guess every family is different, but in my opinion she never should have trusted him. She would still be alive if she had not gone into that expensive facility only to catch the deadly flu. Sorry if that offends those who are making money from this site.
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That's a shame, sorry for your loss Marte48 but I don't follow your question. What questions are you asking about and how does it relate to what happened with your aunt?
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marte48 Jan 10, 2020
Maybe you get paid to sit and type canned answers. I don't.
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I understand It's nice to stay in ones home. Kids grow up there. Then leave. Spouses have good memories there together. Then one passes. The person is all alone. A caregiver is hired and takes the person to the cafe or activity center. Sometimes, the elder person doesn't feel well, so they stay home. S/he complains they are very lonely without their spouse. The caregiver tries to keep them occupied. They play cards etc. Home Care is getting very expensive.
Their children try to think of a solution. They look at different places. One that has Good Care and a friendly happy atmosphere. They show their parent different places. Yes it's expenses. They discuss with their parent about selling the house to pay for assisted living.
The parent moves. At first, it's an adjustment getting use to a new place. The children help with moving. They visit sometimes to talk to their parent, plus speak to the care team about the care.
The caregivers there tries to encourage the parent to make friends. The parent goes to where the activities are. After some time, they make friends.
Of course, there are good days and bad days. And good moods and bad moods. Every situation and person is different.

There are people out there with dementia who can't think think straight because dementia deteriorates their brain. So their children need to decide on good care for them.

I'm sorry for your loss. May you find comfort.
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lealonnie1 Jan 10, 2020
Hearing only one side of The Story is tough, isn't it? Those of us who have had to place our loved ones in AL or SNF or Memory Care did so out of extreme need vs. greed or any other reason. In fact, if 'greed' was at the root of the decision, they'd still be at home so the inheritance could be preserved for US, right? Yes, facility living is expensive and erodes the inheritance, so how 'greed' plays a part in the decision is beyond me.

99% of the elders are going to say they Want To Stay In Their Own Home, of course, but then it becomes impossible to do so........unsafe, unrealistic, unmanageable without the children stepping in to do EVERYTHING for them so they can maintain their 'independence' which is just a facade.
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People don't know what its like to be a care giver until they are one. Then they know how hard it is.
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Marte, I thought at first you were new to the forum and had been disappointed by the discussions you came across. But that's not the case - you've been with us for eighteen months or so.

Parkinson's is a long old haul. How are things going in general, how long have you been your mother's caregiver?

I'm wondering if there is something in particular that's troubling you at the moment, or a whole set of somethings. Can we help? I know you do know we are not paid hirelings recruiting on the sly.
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