Are all assisted living facilities depressing or is it just my perspective?

I think a lot of it hinges on attitude and expectations and where you care recipient was in their previous life - just downsizing from a single family home to a normal apartment complex can look pretty depressing.... long halls with dim lighting, cramped quarters (no apartment feels spacious compared to a whole house), unfamiliar neighbours and neighbourhood, no yard... The more basic and institutional the facility the greater the culture shock is apt to be, there will be an adjustment period in even the best of facilities.

Mjlarkan also makes a valid point about how the character of a place can change depending on the people living there. I have seen that changes in staff can have a huge effect as well, some people are more capable than others and spend time away from work learning and planning, some go above and beyond while others just put in their 8 hours and hurry out the door.

I have noticed that the “personality” of my mom’s Assisted Living shifts every once in awhile depending on the current residents. There have been times it’s lively with loud raucous laughter. There have been times it’s depressing and somber. As far as activities, your dad doesn’t have to attend. He will have a choice.

Unfortunately, it comes down to your budget. Some places are better than others but unless you’ve got the money to pay for it you’re not going to get delightful chef inspired meals, beautiful atriums and those other features. My husband has vascular dementia. He is still fairly sharp but needs to be in AL due to hemiplegia and Parkinsonism. The place I chose is clean and safe and the staff are wonderful but the activities are definitely on the low budget end - puzzles, bingo, tv. Sadly, you get what you can pay for. I chose the place where the staff were most cheerful, kind and competent. He is an introvert and they really go out of their way to find ways to engage him.

Keep looking! It may be that you are finding places that mix the folks with behavioral issues and dementia into the general population. Some may be sedated a bit to make it easier to live with others.

My Gram lived in a place that had all 3 levels - independent living, assisted living, and total care on the same campus. She had a nice mini apartment for most of her life there, a beautiful dining room/activity room, and she worked as a receptionist in one of the buildings. There are nice places out there!

No they are not all depressing. Some are delightful. Go by your instinct. If you find it depressing, so will your father. High price is no guarantee either.

I took my mom around to several places around The Fort Lauderdale area we settled on five star senior living place that’s called quart of palm Aire we found it not depressing at all look like a big hotel and she loves it. There are a lot of beautiful ones out there just keep looking the three or

We have some wonderful assisted living facilities where I live. And more being built all the time. I have found a great place for my dad but he refuses to "move to one of those nursing homes" which is not at all what this place is. They even have a bus that would take him to HIS church on Sunday (right up the street!). Church is the highlight of his week. 24/7 coffee, pastries in the morning (he loves to do that at the senior center), day trips, excellent food and many other activities which he may or may not enjoy. When I saw the list, I asked where I could sign up! Fitness room with bands (no weights!), chairs, and fitness balls for activity. He lives in his dark dreary house with care that comes in. Survives on chocolate milk and frozen meals because he is too cheap to buy better food. His house is so depressing and this assisted living place is really nice. Busy but not too busy. Even with buy-up care, it is cheaper than what we are paying to keep him in his house with in-home care. The facilities are not all alike. Keep looking!

There are a lot of different Assisted Living facilities even within the same state. I have worked for 3, all in same state. All were decent facilities and, as some say ,more hotel like than nursing home in style Most residents fairly happy, although there are always a few chronically unhappy people.
Activities for residents vary with their abilities and tastes. As Certified Activity Director, I had to provide residents with a variety of choices. Bingo was the most universally favorite activity.(I don't like it, but most residents do). If you look in most communities, there are a lot of Bingo games available to the non-institutionalized! Must be something that appeals to people! All-in-all, I'd say AL pretty nice. But costly. Where I live 3K/monthly on low end. Some AL upward from 6K to over 10K!

I think it’s your attitude to put it bluntly., which may very well have an effect on how well your father does . It’s not “infantilizing “, studies have PROVEN the elderly, especially those with dementia, do better and stay healthy longer when they are involved in activities that keep their minds active and they have socialization.
Check for a place that has independent and assisted living, ideally that can transition into a (separate but located in the same complex ) memory care . Their residents will probably be more independent. And he won’t have to move when his condition worsens ( our newbie mistake was the first was strictly independent living) Talk to the staff and see what their philosophy is. Who comes first the resident or the staff? I don’t know where you live but we managed to find two very nice places for my mother. We visited every single one in the area so you need to do your homework. We chose the places with the most homelike atmosphere and the most caring staff. Check resident to staff ratio. It should be much higher than legal requirements. Some areas grade facilities or have online reviews although one I noticed had 90% of reviews by staff so check for actual family and resident reviews. It was recommended by the hospital for rehab and was one of the worst imo, very poor communication with family even though it was obvious my mother was hallucinating and out of it. Most newer facilities in my area are set up as apartments with your own furniture so you have a lot of say on how pleasant it is.

I am sorry for what you are going through. You are lucky he is of sound mind because it’s much worse in memory care unfortunately.
I do agree with you that it’s very depressing. I am starting to recognize the signs when someone is nearing the end. I would say if you can get get helpers at home that may be a better way to go until you cannot do that anymore.

My mom is in a very nice one close to my home. She had a stroke last spring and although she recovered well from it she realized she could no longer keep her condo. I looked around for an AL facility and got lucky that this one is so nice and close to me. She has a studio apt and many of her things from home to make it more familiar. At first she was reluctant to meet people but now when I go over she tells me about one or the other of the residents that she has met on her walks. She will worry if she hasn't seen someone for awhile and will ask one of the aides if that person is okay, she likes keeping tabs on people, it helps her to feel involved. This facility is not cheap ($2,000 per month one meal included)but it was the least expensive one available in my general area. She has a little kitchenette and makes snacks for herself when she wants. She goes to the "Coffee Club" in the morning for free coffee and donuts. Everything is ala carte so if she doesn't need any assistance, which is most days then she is not paying for someone like she would with shift helpers. It takes some work but there are places out there.

There are so many stories of the elderly who live at home in detoriating conditions. The elderly are just that. Al facilities meet many needs. They are provided with regular meals and generally there is thought to those meals. Mealtime also provides an outlet for socialization as many residents eat at the same table. More so than not a sense of concern develops amongst these residents for each other. My mother has outlived all her friends. Residents at her AL have become her friends. You choose the words "Gods waiting room". They are elderly and closer to the end of life. No they don't reside there and find a fountain of youth. If they participate in games you find purposeless you are seeing it from the perspective of your age. There is a structure to these activities. I have been told by the resident director of the facility where my mother is that mostly that is what the elderly need meaning a structure to the days. If she has an ailment it is addressed quickly and I am given a report regarding that. It gives their life a sense of purpose. Obviously there can be a difference amongst facilities but for the most part they work for the common good. Prior to entering one my mother could not regulate her medications. She could not bathe well or really do her laundry. She ate poorly. I think you should try to understand what these facilities provide for the elderly with diminishing capabilities. Visiting them should not mean your perception of yourself in that environment. You are younger and don't likely have the needs provided there. It might help your outlook if you would change your perspective and understand that many who reside there have needs met that very likely would not happen if they resided at home. If certain individuals can remain home and continue to live there positively than all power to them but that is frequently not the reality. I may seem blunt but i found your post lacking of truly understanding the aging process. I have admiration for those who can remain at home and not detoriate but that frequently is not the reality of many situations. I hope you might find aspects in visiting AL facilities that show positive factors. It would truly be in the best interests for you and for who you might have to place.

The one where my dad lived was lovely and reminded me of a nice hotel. You May think bingo and dominoes sounds childish but the residents loved it. They had movie day and various programs with speakers and an occasional outing. So perhaps widen your circle of where you tour. The food is always the biggest complaint because face it...it’s not home cooking!

I had aides for my mom, in her house until she died. She had dementia, and could not dress, feed herself or walk near the end. Maybe you can look into that as an alternative? The Agency for the aides told me there is no state of deterioration that a person can be in that they would refuse to supply the aides in the home. Medicaid paid for them.

They are depressing because you are surrounded by old and frail strangers. I would not want to live among a bunch of strangers and see them day in, day out.

And then the cost, which is a turn-off itself. If these places were affordable, we might force ourselves to turn the other way.

If I reach an age when I must go to a facility, I would end my life. Why prolong the inevitable at that stage?

I worked in a assisted living as a CNA once... I honestly thought it was worse then the nursing home. When it came to care. The place was brand new, so they were desperate to fill up the beds asap! They accepted anyone in the facility, people that were independent, to people that needed assistance, to people that needed to be in a hospital or a nursing home. I'm not joking . I only stayed there 6 months. I couldn't stand it, seeing how some of the patients, needed way more help then they were getting. The facility lied to the family members to get there loved ones in there, some family members were in denial with how much care, there loved one really needed. Some were fine... but some others were not. The place was only open for 6 months, when I left, and already they had 4-5 people passing away . I could go on. But ya, that was my experience .

I do not have much knowledge of the inner workings of Assisted Living facilities in my area, but the ones I have been to (as part of the entertainment at Christmas) were very attractive and resort-like. One of them has bay views.

Having toured almost every LTC within 50 miles, I can speak with more knowledge. There were a few LTC facilities that I toured that I found depressing due to the age or layout of the building. As one of the posters mentioned, you can’t always tell the quality of care by the surroundings. There were several much more attractive than the one my parents reside in, but my brother chose that one for my mother’s rehab and she then transferred to the LTC section followed by my father.

Of course, it is not exactly cheering to see so many people with such infirmities and disabilities, but I think it is more difficult for the able-bodied visitors than for the people who actually reside there. My parents don’t seem to see the other residents as depressing and pathetic. With mild to moderate dementia, they are mostly oblivious to what I guess what the outside world would call depressing. My father recently was hospitalized and when he returned, he couldn’t get over how many people asked after him, from residents to staff.

The facility itself is clean, and great effort is taken to decorate for the seasons. The activities that have been described about assisted living facilities by other posters are all included in this nursing home. Last year, my father and others were taken to fish off a pier on the beach. Once a month they go out to a restaurant and every Friday, they can order take-out. I know for a fact that the food is excellent and varied. There are daily activities, and weekly volunteer entertainers. Last month, they added an Elvis impersonator who sang old Gospel hymns. The residents loved him! There is a priest who offers daily communion, and several retired preachers who lead the residents in song during the week and preach on Sunday.

We have not always been pleased with the care they receive at the facility, but they are very open to suggestions and willing to make corrections. I am saddened that so many of the posters don’t have access to excellent facilities like the ones that are so numerous where I live. It’s curious, because I live in one of the poorest states in the country. Maybe it’s because it is a high retirement location.

Pam,

Not a bad gig! Hahaha

Pam,

The AL facility that I visited when happy hour was going on had a lot of smiling faces!

I have to ask, was that a fun job? I bet it was.

The facilities here have bars! I’m not kidding. I’m in New Orleans. They have wine and cheese events. They have cocktails, snacks, etc.

My mom was in a great assisted living facility - one which I wouldn't mind being in myself. It was beautifully decorated, clean, quiet, great food, lots of outings, beauty shop and rehab services, if needed. She was very happy there and we were happy for her.

I really hated the assisted living my parents were in. They didn't last long there. There was not enough help. And at 8k a month each (we're in NY), what a waste. My dad had to wait like an hour for someone to bring him up from the dining room to his room. I also hated the dumb activities. I felt like they were an insult to these people's dignity. My parents never participated. It makes me really sad when I think of their time there. We were doing the best we could, but it was a sad chapter in our lives.
My dad unfortunately passed while he was in AL. My mom after that went into the nursing home where my sister works. The nursing home is fantastic. Bright, clean, excellent care and mom actually has a smile on her face when I see her.

You know what? I don’t think I want to live so long that I have to go into a facility. It’s almost like an animal living in a zoo rather than in nature.

That being said, the assisted living facilities near me are not at all depressing. The food is good. The facilities are actually very pretty like a fancy hotel or an upscale apartment complex. I’d live in assisted living.

The people who are in reasonable health have lots to do. It isn’t just bingo. They even do field trips. They have card tables, bridge games, poker games, pool tables, library with books, holiday parties, banquet rooms available to rent to host parties and so forth. Musicians playing, dances, luaus, all kinds of themed events. This is New Orleans. We party here! Only people who are not as healthy don’t participate.

There are religious services, Protestant and Catholic. They have beautiful chapels. They have hair salons. Some have swimming pools, gyms, exercise groups, walking paths through beautiful landscaped areas and so on.

The nursing homes are a different story. They are truly depressing with people screaming, “Help me!” Or, “Don’t leave me! I want to go home!” Horrible.

When my mom was at a nursing home for skilled nursing rehab I detested the place. The OT and PT was good but that is all that was good about it. I had to file a complaint about mom being given a double dose of meds due to an LPN being lazy.

The LPN admitted to saying to my mom that she wanted to save another trip back to mom’s room later so gave her a double dose. My mom asked if a double dose of her Parkinson’s meds would hurt her, of course the lazy LPN told her that it wouldn’t hurt her.

I was so upset when mom told me that I called the pharmacist and she said if she was doing that to mom, she was doing it to others and it was my responsibility to report her, which I did. That’s sad and dangerous to alter meds dosages like that.

In my experience. Yes, they are all depressing. How can they be otherwise? They are filled with people not in the best shape either physically, mentally and changes are both. They are filled with people who rather be anywhere else. They aren't resorts.

It may depend on the area you are in. I toured 6-7 of them and we ended up with 2 solid choices. We used one at the independent living. They were nice apartments with a clubhouse centrally located with dining for all meals. It was like a restaurant where you ordered off the menu. When Independent living became too much we moved them to an AL facility with memory care as we knew that would be next. This place is set up as Houses-central living room and dining room and about 12 rooms per house. They are super nice and clean and the food is good home cooking. After only 30 days it became obvious that my MIL needed memory care. It was dragging my FIL down and he wasn’t sleeping well for watching her. They were fighting constantly. Now she is 2 doors down in her house and he visits with her 2-3 times a day, but they both sleep better and therefore cope better in separate houses.

Yes absolutely keep looking. The "infantile" activities it is for them to keep moving as they have to cater to multiple levels of the disease and I am sure they have multiple different activities for all levels. I just moved my dad 3 months ago now into and AL Memory and as you describe your my dad is an introverted country man now in a big city. He is adapting slowly, found different things to do on his own in the facility. He now is starting to chat with others although the activities not so much.
as far as AL places keep looking you will find the best place which will make you feel comfortable that he is safe and that he will be taken care. I visited 7 ALs prior to deciding on one. One thing that I felt most important was ratio CNA/patient, nurse/patient and make sure there are multiple activities for example activities for all levels, options like library, fitness center, outings, TV room if the rooms are looked during the day, patio area. Are there any patients on wheelchairs setting at nursing stations? Visit the AL at different times of day so you can get a better feel for the place. If your dad is a fall risk what methods they take to prevent, alert in case of falls?

Best wishes to you and your dad and trust me you are not alone.

Keep looking. My Mom was in a NH so she was down the path a little farther than your dad, but her care was exceptional. And she was on Medicaid. No smells, nobody sitting around the halls, residents living up to their potential, cheerful aids and nurses that cared. After my Mom passed in April I still go back every couple of weeks to visit her roommate. I was explaining to someone today how I can go back there and not feel bad or sad, and it really doesn’t bother me, and it’s because it was/is a happy place. Hard to describe. Anyway they are out there.

WHEN MY SON WAS 47 HE DEVELOPED END-STAGE RENAL FAILURE. THE FIRST CARE FACILITY HE WAS ADMITTED TO WAS DREARY AND IN NEED OF SPRUCING UP. THE CARE WAS EXCEPTIONAL. HE HAD WOUNDS ON HIS LEGS THAT WERE HEALED BY THE AMAZING WOUND CARE NURSES. PREVIOUS TREATMENTS IN A HOSPITAL HAD ONLY AGGRAVATED THEM. THE LATE NIGHT HE WAS ADMITTED A NURSE HAD SAVED US SOME SANDWICHES IN CASE WE HAD NOT HAD DINNER. NO ONE MINDED THAT I DECORATED HIS ROOM WITH PICTURES, A SMALL FRIDGE AND TV. IT BECAME VERY HOME-LIKE.
SEVERAL HOSPITAL VISITS LATER HE WAS ADMITTED TO THE "BEST" REHAB IN TOWN.FAIRLY NEW BUILDING, NICE FURNITURE IN THE LOBBY, ART ON THE WALLS.
HE HAD TO BE TRANSPORTED TO THE LOCAL DIALYSIS CLINIC. ONE NIGHT THE TRANSPORTATION WAS DELAYED. BY THE TIME HE CAME BACK TO RE-HAB HE WAS EXHAUSTED AND HAD A SEIZURE. THE NURSE ON DUTY DID
NOT KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM.
CRYSTAL CHANDELIERS AND BEAUTIFUL SOFAS DO NOT MEAN ANYTHING. STAFF IS THE KEY. THEY WORK VERY HARD WITH LITTLE PRAISE.
IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO HAS A FAMILY MEMBER IN ANY FACILITY CONVENIENT TO YOU ASK TO VISIT. STICK AROUND, OBSERVE AND WHEN POSSIBLE HAVE A SHORT CHAT. MEET WITH MANAGEMENT. DO THEY LIKE WHAT THEY ARE DOING OR IS IT "JUST A JOB".
THINGS I WOULD LOOK FOR ARE AN OUT DOOR PATIO WITH SOME SMALL GARDEN FLOWERS, A GAME ROOM WITH PUZZLES AND A LIVING ROOM AREA WITH A SMALL PHONEY FIRE IN A FIREPLACE.
THERE ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE RESIDENTS DOZING IN WHEEL CHAIRS IN THE HALL WAYS AND A PATIENT CRYING FOR HELP. IT IS IMPERATIVE TO MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY MOVE IN TO THIS WORLD. IT TAKES COURAGE AND UNDERSTANDING.

Most in nursing homes need 24 hr care and a lot are heavily medicated. My dad was just in a nursing home almost 3 years.. until he passed away in there. He had Parkinson’s and dementia. The home where he was was understaffed in my opinion.. however they did a pretty good job of caring for him. It is hard. My mother is currently living with us at 87 with end stage COPD. I’m trying to keep her with us until the end if possible but we (hubby and I) are still working full time. It’s so challenging the hardest thing I have done in my life. My mother is not the sweet elderly grandmother type.. she’s always cranky and never says thank you.
My advice is depending on the parent personality and your relationship you might try the co-living if you have room and they can manage some one their own. But don’t make yourself sick over it just do your best to do the right thing💗

It's good that you are checking things out to find your dad the best place to meet his needs. I've spent a lot of time in various ALs and MCs over the last 5 years, (since becoming caregiver for my cousin), and I always observe the place with an idea in my mine that I COULD END UP HERE. I know it's true, because, we can't know what the future holds. I've learned some things along the way so far, that include: Be sure to check out the STAFF and how they operate more so than the fancy chandelier or water fountains. I've visited those with the spa light facilities, lovely courtyard, designer decor, etc. But, if the staff is not top notch, it means little. You can ask questions from resident's family members to get an idea too. No place is perfect, but, some are pretty good.

I'd keep in mind that some of the residents are dealing with various losses, like loss of spouse, health, mobility, etc. That can be a sad time for them.

I'd keep in mind that the activities vary and are designed to meet all levels. Not all residents are able to function 100%, so, they need games, activities that can appeal to most all residents. Playing dodge ball sitting in chairs may sound silly, but, it's a lot of fun and seems to entertain all that play. I used to go to regular AL and just sit in the evenings and chat with the residents. My LO was a resident, but, not able to engage in conversation due to her dementia, but, the other residents really would talk about their day, experiences. They let me know the food was awesome! I even ate there a few times. I thought it was high spirited and positive, especially, when the live singers came to perform in the dining room. You can meet with the activities director and get more information about what they offer.

You can also explore other options. There are some home care facilities that are in an actual house, where there are only 3-6 residents. Some people prefer that kind of environment.