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Thanks for the well thought out answer Garden Artist. I'm just afraid the finding something else for dad is hopeless. He's always been a loner, not wanting to mingle with people. Mom was the outgoing one. We've tried getting him to check out the local senior center hoping to get him to play cards and the like. He used to golf with a group of older men, but he was diagnosed with acute heart disease and he has COPD. He's on oxygen now and doesn't want to socialize what so ever. Plus, his mind comes and goes. My brother tells me it's as much as 50% of the time he doesn't know where he is or what he's doing. He's VERY single minded now. He has three interests in life and wants no others... gambling, food, and, on the weekends, playing horseshoes with my brother.

He has to have a home health care nurse in three to four times a week (he has a catheter and is on coumadin which is always out of wack) and he's throwing a fit about that now because it's interference with his gambling.

It could well be that he is addicted to gambling. He did love going when Mom was alive, but she hated it so he only went occasionally. And my sister in law, who has to live with him, wants to take him because she can't handle the attitude he gives her if she doesn't. I'm not in a position to insist she stop giving into him...she's the one who's putting up with him 24/7. Last thing I want to do is tick her off too by being demanding of her.

I am in a hard place here...without a doubt.
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Unfortunately, your SIL, understandably under pressure, is enabling him to gamble when he acts like a child, and he knows how to manipulate her. Even though you understand and accept this behavior, I'm wondering if it's more than compensation for loss of so much at his age but rather an addictive behavior. Did he gamble before your mother died?

Can you think of ways that he can use the $1500 more effectively, such as through charity work? It sounds as though he's still mobile enough to get around. Does he have any business background that he could contribute through SCORE (retired execs)? Any hobbies he could share through senior volunteer work, or with scouts, or would the dementia interfere with that? Is he active in any church work? Does he like animals? Could he volunteer at a local animal shelter?


I would also ask one of his doctors about getting home PT for the unsteadiness on his feet, and make adaptations such as clearing out throw rugs, installing grab bars, etc. to eliminate fall likelihoodo so that your brother and SIL can get more sleep.

I would also consider a medical alert device as backup and extra protection.

I think the payments to SIL and niece are reasonable and justified.

As to raising the issue of payment to him, I think you're right that he'll become angry. But realistically, it's not fair to expect your brother and SIL to provide care for him while he's spending $1500 on gambling. He couldn't go to a casino and play for free. What they're doing is worth far more than $1,000 a month - it would cost him several multiples of that at an assisted living facilty, which I'm sure he would fight tooth and nail.

I'd discuss this thoroughly with all the family before approaching him and see if you can't find a way to make him think that you're adding an extra level of care for him. Try to redirect his resentment toward your family into appreciate for your consideration and thoughtfulness.

If you have to, let him know that your brother and SIL can't do this forever, that their health will be compromised, and then they'll have to consider another option (i.e., assisted living) if they become ill.

I suspect though that that kind of projective thinking isn't realistic for him now.

Alternately, I would really try to think of ways to keep him occupied in charitable work or something that would reward him ("feel good work") so that he doesn't need to gamble to spend away the emotional pain. If you can find a substitute activity that makes him feel good and provides a sense of helping someone, it may rechannel his loneliness and emptiness.

I think so often people who've worked all their lives are just so susceptible to the disposable attitude which seems to accompany some aspects of getting old - so much attention is given to the young while the elderly are sometimes considered burdens. We as a society need to find ways their lives can be shared and still be useful as they age, despite infirmities.
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