Why do people that are not caregivers, think that they have the right to tell you that you need to appreciate what you have?

I think DT that it is the family members who are carrying so much rage, and are intent on making us feel unept and rotten because we "slipp[ed" and upset dad or mom with our "selfishness". I literally HATED those two rotten, selfish imposters for 5 years! I felt like they were portraying me as the "bad" one to my dad, and getting away with it!! It absolutely enraged me. They were screwing me under the radar from dads view, and he was buying right into it. I tried to convince my father of what they were doing; how they were ganging up on me right under his nose. HE blamed me too for the "rift"!!! I see a fantastic therapist who has helped me sooooo much through this complicated time of pain and games. He said to me "Why do you care?". I said "Because I don't want dad to think I'm a bad person." He said "Are you a bad person?" I said "Of course not...I would die for my dad." He said "You just gave yourself what you needed to know." He told me to completely ignore every single thing they said and did, including my dad! He said if your father isn't treating you with respect, gratitude and the same love you're giving to him eff him!!! I was totally shocked! I said, but he's my father! He said would you take that treatment from anyone else? Me: No, but he's my dad! Dr.: SO WHAT! He's an adult with a sharp mind, and shame on him. He needs to own his words and actions just as he expects you to. Yes he's old, and yes he's dying but you know this, and you still treat him with respect and kindness. Screw them all! You are the one who's there, and when he goes you will feel proud and strong. They'll all have to deal with the guilt and anger for not being there like you were. IGNORE them, and forgive them. They are pitiful and weak. DT, my anger completely dissipated...poof! Now when they try their crap it's like they don't even exist. Now when dads mean I camly say "Dad, you're being very cruel and disrespectful." If he starts to scream I simply say "Dad, I will not stand here and take your verbal abuse. I am very good to you, and I love you with all my heart, but I do not deserve this." He usually continues to scream, and I quietly calmly say "Dad, I won't argue with you" When you feel you can speak to me civilly, I'll be happy to talk. I love you." I do the same thing with the Broomhildas!!! Drives them nuts, but it keeps me grounded and above their caveman behavior. They are not worth your scorn DT. I'm not saying to seek them out to forgive them...OH NO!!! I'm speaking in your heart forgive so you don't have to own what is theirs to own. You do not deserve to feel bitter. You should feel WONDERFUL and PROUD. From "Streetcar Named Desire" "Stella, DONT---- dont hang back with the brutes". You deserve happiness, leave them behind you and start your new life of freedom and happiness!

For DT:

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

~ Oscar Wilde

Oh, I never said I Hated them, hate is a useless emotion and contrary to popular though, is Not the opposite of love. Apathy and disinterest is the opposite of love. I have no hate for them, if anything it is a matter of "forgive them for they know not what they do." The 'girls' as I call them are just empty headed non-enteties. they have nothing much on their minds but their hairstyles, makeup, tanning parlor and maybe a couple trips to Branson or Vegas a year. They profess to have 'loved' Grandma but we never saw or even had so much as a telephone call from them from Christmas to Christmas for Years!, and mom did so much for all of them in their youth (this includes my sister-in-law who had no parenting skills at all and wanted to be their friend rather than their mother. Must have worked, they 4 are thick as thieves, but no time for grandma. In fact, from the son of one of them we got a side reference that to their 2nd childs' Christening the little celebration afterwards was only a small one "for the family". So what are we - chopped liver?! Hurt mom badly. When I had my knee replacement I had to beg them to help out a bit, they did for about a week after and when I started to get around better _I rushed it) they fell back into the old pattern. They say "just call if you need anything" to which I think - Why should I have to Call?! One of them, about once a year when we see her always brings on of those meaninless little plaques like you get in the drugstore gift area with a sappy little poem about how much Grandma is loved, thinking that makes it all up. Bah! Humbug! So, if they do not want to consider us not as family members, that is the way I will react. As I said, it may be a long time before I 'forgive' them, the sad part is that they will probably never notice. I had total strangers volunteer more than they did.

PS - My neices are not the only ones - I lost a couple so-called friends who simply did not want to hear of my troubles (I call it the FWFA - Fair Weather Friends Anonymous) - like the number from The Wiz - Don't go bringin' me no bad news - they did not even want to hear of it, let alone let me vent. And then there is also the multitude who would get warm and sloppy and gush how "lucky" I was to still have my mother with me - she may be in pain and discomfort and wasting away before my eyes, but am I not LUCKY to WATCH it happen with NO help? They certianly did not want to come around even to visit either. Those are the people with whom I have an issue with, and will have for a long, long time.

Sounds just like my story. They are all about plastic surgery, hair, nails, makeup and social life. I shouldn't have used the word loathed! I had never felt this way about them but they really screwed me over. I actually ended up in the hospital for 5 days because I allowed myself to become so stressed. My point here was forgiveness. It does no one any good to not forgive. It's just another poor use of time that should be spent happy.

Point taken. I do not love them nor hate them. I just don't consider them important in my life anymore, which was not my intention when I moved back here.

I do love mine which is whyit has hurt so much. All they have done for years now is criticize my every move, and have been EXTREMELY mean. I will always love them, and I do forgive them. Forgiving is for you, not them.

I as well have no emotion when it comes to my siblings I used to think my sister walked on water. Well, it came down to taking care of mom for me to have an awakening. I finally seen her, in all her glory. I was hurt, sure. But I accepted it and moved on. Mom was the important issue at hand no time to worry about my sis and bro being worthless.
Neither one has acknowledged mom in 2 years(as well as no contact from their children) Now I am faced with What to do? Mom is still holding on barely. Its down to a hour to hour watch. Part of me feels I should contact them. But I am risking a fight in front of mom. That is the last thing mother needs on her deathbed. Really the other part of me feels they will find out when everyone else does. Mom and I prearranged funeral details sometime ago. If they show up or not it doesn't matter. I can't even imagine the nightmare that lies around the corner. Its all about "what do I get" with them. I swear, that if they show up and stand at the casket and put on a show for others I am going to lose it. This anger is more for mom, not being worth their time than my own emotion, (if that makes sense). I am so protective over mom and they have hurt her emotionally until she forgot about them. I will be damned if they are going to make a mockery of her funeral.
When my father died, my sister made several hundreds of dollars from it. Ones would hand her monetary gifts since she is the eldest child, and she pocketed it instead of giving it to our mother. But mom knew and it devastated her.

Sorry to ramble on.... I have gotten over the shock that it is now moms time and left it in Gods hands. But, I am having feelings that I thought was buried. Anger towards my worthless sibs, each day I can feel it building towards eruption!! At this time, I am not able to open my arms and welcome them in. I know its wrong but hey I am not perfect.

yellofeever - In spite of the above I simply went on with, for want of a better word right now, 'conventional' behavior, though I have not called everyone, like each individual niece, I called my sister-in-law, I knew she would immediately call everyone she knew (telephone, telegraph, etc. LOL) which would save me the trouble. My behavior has, I think, been civilized to all ("with malice toward none, with charity to all") gone about preparations as fairly and considerately, as some are family and were mom's friends, though I did not know some of them personally. I have mjust considered it as much my responsability as I did when I cared for mom for all this time. It is my duty, I do not shirk duty. Like you, most of them I do not feel like welcoming with open arms either, but I will allow it if it comforts them in some way I do not need. As I am the only one mentioned in the will, there has been no discussion on that, though I have made or tried to make momento gifts when I thought they were appropriate (my nephew in WI, who was the most attentive one, and his wife, made out like champs in everything except money, of which there is not much. So, as I said, just be gracious and do not close any doors, if it is to be so they will close themselves, or stay open as the case may be. I am having a small funeral/Memorial service tomorrow, small because mom outlived nearly everyone in her family, and she was not one to put herself forward or make a specticle, much of my own family is so scattered I told them they are excused if they cannot come. I just expect the few people here in town, a couple neighbors and friends, and a couple of mine, not many as I have not really made that many since I have been back here. I have also elected not to have a graveside, but have arranged with the cemetary that I would be there at enterrment, a wonderful minister will officiate at the memorial, which should be sufficient. Anyone who wishes to accompany me will of course be welcome, but I fees as if it will be my last bit of responsability to her fulfilled.

Thanks for all the input, It sounds like we should put all of our family's in box and send them to inland some where. Here's to all of us that put in all day after day, the good the bad and ugly! Three cheers for us and a bottle wine! So happy that I found this site, I thought I was the only one feeling the way I do, but I see now that I am not. Endofmyrope do love your therapist they really do tell it like it is. Thanks again.

You can chose your friends, but you can't chose your family. Toss up between putting family in a box and sending them away, or going away ourselves. I am of two minds, Paris or St. Barts...... There have been times I wished I had info the feds wanted and they would send me away in witness porotection, new identity, everything. Alas, not to happen..... You ARE beautiful, don't let anyone tell you differently.

God bless you. I know exactly how you feel. The truth of the matter is you have to forgive them for their ignorance and let it fall like water off a ducks back. It's like a shoe salesman trying to give you medical advice.

Not proofreading thoroughly, which I usually do, spelling errors due to clumsy fingers, lots to do before tomorrow, in a rush. Thanks to all.

The truth is, that they will only get it if "They do walk a mile in your shoes!"

But we wouldn't want to wish that upon anyone and so my suggestion is for you to keep doing exactly what you are doing by interacting with care giver support participants and share (via writing) your experiences.

B.Miner FL