Why do people that are not caregivers, think that they have the right to tell you that you need to appreciate what you have?

Just to let all of my good wishers know, mom passed quietly at home under the care of hospice early Monday morning. Thank you for your kind words.

DT, my heartfelt thought and prayers

DT,

She will always be in your heart and she will be with you in spirit forever.

Thank you LORD that she went in peace. May God give you the strength that you need and help you every step of the way in your life.
Many blessings to you and be strong. Mom is proud of you!!!

DT, I am so sorry for your loss. You were her angel on this earth, and you made her final time in this place we call earth a thing of beauty. I don't believe in "death". I feel we should call it the beginning of true life! It is where the most powerful peace, beauty and love thrive in an abundance that is beyond our wildest imaginations! LOVE TO YOU AND MOM

This thread has struck a cord in many people including myself. Thank you "FeelingNuts" for helping all of us feel more grounded and supported. I'll leave all of you a quote on this December 21st: LOVE AND KUDOS TO ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL ANGELS! You are doing this labor of love for a reason.

"Misfortune can force you into doing things you should be doing anyway. Lessons come from adversity. Anything can happen to anyone... You can find a new lease on life -- more meaning than you thought possible in simple things... Let go. Live in the moment. Go forward."
~ Christopher Reeve

This site has been very cathardic for me - just getting people to listen to me talk and let me vent has been without a doubt a great help in getting me by this. When I started contributing I was very depressed and resentful, I could not say anything to any of my FTF aquaintences in which I would not feel fobbed off and brushed off by what I refer to as "warm and fuzzy" references as to how "lucky" I was to still have mom with me. By association it seemed to say that mom was "lucky" to be alive even with the suffering she was having and causing. As I have pointed out many times, it is all too easy for others to pass off distress with sop, I lost not just a couple "friends" in the process (FWFA - Fair Weather Friends Anonymous - frankly, who needs them...) But in contributing to this site and reading about what some of you are going through, I really decided that I was not in as bad shape as I thought - how could I think differently - NOBODY was listening! And some of you have it so much worse than I did - at least mom did not have dimentia. After all, poop wipes off. Anyway, thank you all, I will probably continue reading and maybe I will bore you all with a comment from time to time.

take care of yourself now DT you are a good son!!! may you find peace and comfort with all your memories...

DT, you are amazing.

lynmac - Awww, shucks. (Imagine me with downcast eyes kicking a hole in the dust of the road with my toe...)

Anyone who can take care of multiple dependent relatives has to be a super person. I tried running 2 houses for 5 weeks and I wound up rupturing another disc in my already worn out degenerated back. I had tried to warn them I would not be able to hold up very long. I had to give up my job as a nurse because of severe back problems. I am trying at all cost to avoid a spinal surgery. There is not a hope in this world that I would ever be able to take care of even one person now without some outside help. Who is going to take care of me...me. I have no kids and no family to speak of. There is no money to hire anyone to help me. My biggest problem is now that the parents are kind of able to take care of themselves again for a while is I can't get them to take a shower or wash. My dad has had 1 shower in the last 5 weeks. Mom has had none. I have the shower prepped for handicapped so there is no excuse. What do I do to get them to clean themselves up?

Millieannie,
Do they have medicare? If so they are entitled to visiting nurses who will do a lot including some cleaning etc. There are also other organizations that will send people in to help for free or very little. It takes a bit of digging on the web to find these services, but well worth looking into. There are also volunteer services, and meals on wheels. You DO NOT have to do it all. Dig to find alternatives. I, like you have disabilities, and am in fact in the middle of a SS appeal. I've had 6 surgeries on both hips, and a shattered ankle I got 27 yrs ago. I have two sisters who refuse to help in any way (except to criticize), and no boyfriend or children. As you can see we're floating in the same life raft!!! If you yourself are on medicare or medicaid you also may be able to get help due to your back. I am looking into options myself, so if you like I'll mpass on my info to you. What state are you in? Sometimes different states offer different services. If this helps any, my little escape is going out after dad is in bed for the night to hera live music. I don't mean "bar" band music, but a piano or acoustic guitar in small places. It helps remind me that I'm a human being!!! Also, if your back allows try a small walk out in nature (the best healer). I try to do little things that bring the attention back to me even if it's just for a couple of hours. If something's going to happen to them it's going to happen whether you're there or not. Sometimes we feel "Oh my God, what if something happened and I wasn't there?). Give that up and take the necessary time ti take care of you, and most of all . . . DON'T FEEL GUILTY! LOVE

Wow! That's exactly how I feel! It makes me angry when people say that! I know each and every thing you pointed out and I'm still going through it. Appreciate? hmmm This is not the mom I knew. This is a very unhappy person who half the time doesn't know who anyone is. Other times, she crys because she only wants ME around her and not her grandchildren and other times she's mad because "I didn't tell her about something" that I told her about earlier in the day. And, don't get me started on changing plans around. I cannot. If I told her I would to something today I had better do it no matter what. It's so difficult sometimes but I love her dearly and she's always been a fantastic mom. I would put up with this for no one else other than mom, hubby and kids. hang in there

They do have Medicare. But to get a referral, you have to visit a MD here . They are not very good at keeping an appointment. It took an arm and a leg to get a power chair. As for getting anything free...forget it. They have way too much money and a sizeable monthly income. It comes down to they could get what little medicare would now pay for and the rest is private pay and forget them paying. You would think they are the poorest of the poor, which is sooooooo untrue. I am now in so much pain myself I am not worrying about it. I can't stand up without leaning sideways and the nausea is killing me. I don't have anyone who gives a hoot either. They know they will never have to help out, but you know they should pay me for doing their part. You can't put it all on one person. No one seems to realize that, esp. not my mother. It seems there are a lot of us in the same boat floating in the middle of no where with very little space to turn. Thank you,EndofmyRope1111, for your concern. Many hugs to you.

Do you have medicaid or medicare yourself? Did you know many people who do can actually be paid for their caregiving time through either. Dig, dig, dig Millieannie!

"Past the seeker as he prayed came the crippled and the beggar and the beaten. And seeing them... he cried, "Great God, how is it that a loving creator can see such things and yet do nothing about them?" God said, "I did do something. I made you."

~Author Unknown

I hear a lot of this, "You should be grateful for your mother" or "You thankful your mother is still alive my mother died when she was 60." When I was younger and living in a different state I really feared that my mother would die and I'd be alone. Now I am alone because while she's alive there isn't really any friendly relationship. Now I fear that she won't die.

EArthquake, you couldn't have been more honest. I think we all have that thought but seldom have the courage to voice it. I hope you have a quiet holiday season!

earthquake - been there. Mom's death is not something anyone wanted, but it was inevitable. Anyone who denyes the enevitable does not deserve to be listened to. Those people who say things like that just do not realize sometimes that to live in agony is no life, if they had to do it they would agree. Mom's death released her and released me from having to watch it happen. When she died it reminded me of some of those old newsreels of the freeing of Achwitz, she was nothing but skin and bones. Would not have wished to remember her that way, but there it is. Perhaps those people are such cowards that they cannot face what we do.

My mother wants to die--she's said that several times. Her friends have died and she can't garden or quilt or sew or read or any of the things that she once enjoyed. She's still able to knit--with effort.

EarthQuake,
It's a good thing that your mom has embraced the death (I call it the beginning of life). She recognizes that she's lived life, and now can't even do the things that bring her simple joys. I watch the show "I survived . . . Beyond". I recommend to everyone I know to watch it because they interview people who have actually "died", some as long as 1 1/2 hours. Every single one, except the ones that have taken the wrong paths, have claimed they feel love, intense pure love the likes of which they could never have imagined. They all say that they are embraced in such powerful love that they don't want to come back here. They see their loved ones who've passed there waiting for them, and claim they appear to be the most beautiful and luminous versions of themselves looking healthy and glowing. They are so happy with out the cares of this world. That show can take the fear of death out of anyone. The only reason some come back is they have unfinished business here, and it is always young people. The elderly have lived full lives, and their are ready to go to that amazing place. When my time comes I will look forward to my new life! Everyone should Google the show, and read about it. I'm sure it is probably on demand too. Do not confuse it with "I survived". "I survived and Beyond" is the version of those who have actually died. It is an amazing show! Your mom is probably feeling the light, and love radiating from the other side. Be happy for her! As much as I will miss my dad, I know my mom, and his family and friends are waiting there for him with open arms. I no longer fear death because of watching that show. So, anyone reading this post . . . PLEASE watch that show! It will ease all your woes. LOVE TO ALL

My dad was sick this morning but is better now and I guess I really got a look at how it would be if something happened and I relize I am not ready to let them go. My mother slid out of bed the other night but didn't get hurt. I think this is all a wake up call for me that even this is very hard I am not ready to let go. I am so tired sometimes as the demands are so great. I wonder when it is over who will have the most guilt the caregiver for lossing their patience or the one who did nothing. The one who does nothing can justife that that they live states away and have to work while the weary caregiver losses patience. I love them and am not ready to let them go and I pray for patience as they need me so much and the needs are so great at 24/7 . A Merry Christmas to everyone.

hooping,

If you don't let them go they will feel obligated to stay for your sake. They need your "permission" to go. There is also a part of me that doesn't want my dad to go, but the other part knows he must. I want him to be rid of his broken painful body, and go the the land of pure light and love. I've posted this berfore, but try to watch the show "I Survived . . . and Beyond". Not "I survived, it must be "I Survived and Beyond. You can probably get it on demand. I think your thoughts of not wanting to lose them will change. Remember, it's about them. We will all miss them terribly, but they have lived full lives, and are ready to go. It is the natural order of things. MUCH LOVE and LIGHT! I will Google the show and post it, K?

You can't get the show on demand, but you can see peices of it on youtube. You can also rent or buy the series. DEFINITELY worth it!!! XO

Well, mom has took a turn for the worst in the last few days. It has been 4 days since any fluid or food. She is starting to "rattle" in her lungs. And has had quite a few seizures in the last couple days. She is quiet either sleeping or awake. She is comatosed in a way. Expression: "the lights are on but no ones home" best descibes mom when awake. I sit and just watch, wandering if she will take another breathe. Thursday was the worst, but she has gotten slightly better and leveled off. we had Christmas last evening for kids just in case. Since we,my husband and I have children from previous relationships , this morning the kids went to the other parents home. We don't want the kids here to see grandma like that. So split family situation is helpful at times.

I am going to post this question in a bit, but in the meantime does anyone know how long a frail 60-70lb woman can go on without food/fluid? I know dehydation has set in by now, because of moms low intake prior to her decline. I just don't want mom to suffer anymore than necessary.

I debated on who to contact and share moms condition with. I decided to call moms "supposed" best friend(who hasn't been her to see mom since spring) I causally called and slowly approached what was going on. Sure enough this woman instead of coming to see mom or accept it. She went into her spill of useless fixalls and information. I was furious, this "friend" of moms had enough nerve to tell me its just depression and she will pull out of it!!! I know this woman has told me that a thousand times before but now I had enough. So I wasn't so nice, I know I insulted her but hey this is the reality: Dementia has now consumed mother and its just a matter of when it will finish her off. I was told that mom should go to ER or to another dr. For what????? Her wishes was no artifical means, and really what will that do but just prolong her suffering. Right now, mom is comfortable and is in her own world. She looks so at peace.

Oh sweetie, I am soooooo sorry. If you are hearing a rattle, and she is somewhat comatose it should not be long till she passes. Your moms best friend probably didn't visit because it was too painful for her to see your mom. My mothers own sister did the same thing, and she and my mother were so close. She adored mom so much that it know it would have killed her to see my mother like that. My mother was only 46 when she died, and ironically she died on my 26th birthday. She had breast cancer that spread everywhere. At the end of her life she looked nothing like the gorgeous woman (and my mom looked like a movie star) she had been. My mom didn't want to see any of her friends either because she didn;t want to be seen that way. People behave strangely when someone is sick and dying. You just have to let them deal with it in the only way they can. As far as the ER, we took my mom OUT of the hospital when she was near death. We wanted her to die at home. I slept on the floor of her room the last week of her life. Our last verbal exchange as I sat by her bed holding her hand was "Mom, I love you so much...so so so much", and she said "I love you too Tam". Then she said all excitedly, "You are such a huge vibrant!!!" and I said "What do you mean by a vibrant mom?", thinking she was halucinating!!! She said "There are bright bright beautiful colors swirling all around you!!!!". Then she looked me right in the eyes and very lucidly said "You have brought me such great pleasure my beautiful Tamara." Those were her last words to me. She went into a complete coma, and died the next day; my 26th birthday. She was in and out of confusion that last week, but our exchange was completely lucid. Hold your moms hand, and sit with her. Tell her how much you love her. Believe me, she WILL hear you, and understand what you are saying. She is in between worlds right now. As sad as I was about my mom, there was an extreme beauty and peace about her. Her beautiful face was so serene. My mom was very depressed before she was near the end, but in her final days she was way beyond depression. Ignore your moms friend. She knows not what she says. It is all about you and your mom right now . . . no one else. Just be with her and love her. I haven't told this story to anyone in a very long time, but I thought it might help you somehow. I follow my gut feelings when they are strong, and felt compelled to share this with you. Love is the one and only single that counts in this world . . . just love. IN LOVE and LIGHT

Yes, mom had the 'rattle' too, I have heard of it referred to the 'death rattle' - the hospice nurse demudrred but I used the word and she agreed. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is what it is. As for the fluids, I have heard anywhere from 3 to 4 days fluid deprivation on a healthy person, hospice nurse said to wet a clean washcloth with cool water and moisten her lips, if she sucks on it it is OK, but I am sorry to say that if this is going on it may be her last hours. Yes, talk to her, it will help both of you.

I know it's hard to see it this way but it really is a beautiful thing. To me it is very similar to the miracle of birth. It is our birth right to be given the release of death. We are sad because we are the ones who are left behind missing our loved one. However, they have gone to a place of such incredible love, peace and beauty. They would not want us to be sad here. Not letting go, and grieving too long only makes it harder to fully enjoy their new land of peace. Our grieving energy concerns them, and they feel like they must stay longer until we feel okay. Grieving is completely natural and necessary, but death should also be a celebration of the freedom and peace they are now in.

That is all they can think of to say......and jeannegibbs that is so funny. Have a brother-in-law that is an authority on raising the perfect children since he never had any.....haaa. Then there are the do gooders who just roll and over and take the whipping and think everyone else should too. Please.

Books, and articles are a means for pedantic people to make $$$$. They don't really know about that which they write about. They just throw down a bunch of psychobabble, and hope people will buy it. There are so many people these days who buy self-help books because they're desperate for answers. Some are good, but many are BS. It's good that site like this print some of these things because it gives everyone an opportunity to share true helpful advice that has come from hard won experience. Provocation brings forth truth! Just look . . . 58 answers . . . 58!!! Obviously this article hit a cord, and also inspired us to to talk about many other more serious topics. In the end, something good came from an idiots words!!!! LOVE TO ALL

I think it is important to gain as much information as you can about any subject, I have a theory that ALL knowledge is useful at some point or other, but it is just as important to remember that each case is Unique, no one person or no one book has the answer for all people. Just as you can't take a page and turn it into a volume, you can't just read the arbitrary book and turn it into a solution. And I agree with enofmyrope - talking is the best. On another entry, I forget if it was this tread or not, I said most of my depression and my resentment was because I had to, was forced to, bottle it all up, bottle me up, and act as if I were insignificant compaired to the sacrifice of my own life that I was making for my mother. Through it all, I was definately NOT insignificant except in my role as a tool to keep my mother alive. In fact, it is going to take a very, very long time before I forgive quite a number of people including 'family' members who made me feel that was or as if that is the way I was supposed to be satisfied feeling.