Is there anything I can say to my siblings to make them understand that this is all I can contribute to help them through this difficult time?

I want to thank everyone for taking time out to respond to my question and making me feel better about my situation. I only wish I could do the same for all of you! I'm actually getting my mother again on the 20th of this month for 2 weeks and looking forward to it. I'm going to enjoy the time I have left with my mom while she can still remember me (even though she thinks there's 2 of me) and I'm not going to let my siblings make me feel so guilty! I can only do what I can do. Thank you all again and I wish everyone the best at the most difficult time. God bless.

My husbands' family do nothing. Eldest brother in law has taken my FIL exactly once for a long weekend, and my husband had to go with him because bro couldn't handle it alone. That you are taking your mother for what amounts to one entire month a year is a big deal!

I would be tempted to tell them, look if you keep complaining then here's all that I've been doing from a distance that you can now do yourselves. In other words either put up with me doing what I can and shut up about it or I will not do anything anymore.

Just by what you are presently doing is a wonderful contribution. I only wish I had a sister who would come down and help me out as much as you do your Mom. There is not a thing you need to feel guilty about.

A lot of people carrying this burden turn very resentful of siblings who live far away. You are doing what you can, in fact more than most. (My sibling lived across the country and was very supportive, visited on occasion, arranged lawyer meetings and such. He was invaluable in things that required 'brains', lol... But I handled the finances, the hiring of part-time caregivers, the shopping, the cleaning, and eventually found and got her into a nursing home. It was a terrible amount of stress and work. I resented my sibling , but of course even if he visited once a month and paid me $1000 every time, I still would have resented his absence!)

You take your Mom for four weeks a year, pay her bills and do repairs to her house? You are awesome! Would you be my sibling? My siblings have visited maybe twice in eight years, contribute nothing but criticism and call maybe once a year. You are doing a lot. Give yourself a hug from me!! Your siblings don't realize how great you are and that is really sad. Much love to you!!

Wow! You take your Mom for two weeks twice a year? You also do her finances? You rock!!! I would do back flips if my siblings did that. Some haven't visited in eight years, and have called maybe twice in that time. You are contributing a lot!!! Don't feel guilty. Much love and hugs to you!!!

OMG! You're doing ALL the paperwork? That alone is a true blessing! Paperwork truly is a nightmare job! Remind your siblings of this and then go look in the mirror and remind yourself.

If you're paying the bills, that really is a lot of help. Personally, I was only able to be there for my Dad and handle his finances - and I understood that my sisters were still working and unable to do much.

Your siblings cannot make you feel guilty - you're allowing them to do it. Make a list of what you do and you should start to feel better. Not everyone is capable of the time constraints of care-giving.

I applaud your contributions from a distance! My mother lives with my husband and me, and my brother (who lives over 700 miles away) is asking how he can help. I am going to share with him some of the things you are doing! Absolutely, every little bit helps! And you are doing much more than a little bit!

If you are already willing to take your mother twice a year for two weeks, that is a great deal more than many modern offspring will do for their parents. Tell your siblings to get quotes for paid help with nursing and cleaning and accompaniment to medical appointments. Ask them to list up the things your mother cannot do on her own, or the reasons why there has to be a 24/7 watch over her. That will make them realise that some form of supervised residential care may be the logical way forward. It will certainly not "be your fault" if that is the conclusion arrived at. Remember too that dementia patients do not like being moved around a lot, and become fearful of long journeys.

Don't think another thing about it. You do what you can and that's it. Don't beat yourself over it.

I'm only child and sole caregiver, and wish I had a sibling like you who would handle the finances (I have to do it for mom, my daughter in college, and myself) and give me a break for two whole weeks! It does sound like it could be time to hire more help (with dementia, eventually they usually cannot be cared for at home). Sad, but that is the reality.

Sounds like sIblings are getting burned out and mom is requiring more care. This happens with dementia. Not sure what Mom's finances are, but the family may need to consider her long term care.

Have you considered memory care or a live in caregiver. Unfortunately her dementia is only going to get worse. My mom lived with me for 2 years, I started to have health issues and wasn't healing due to all the stress in my life. Mom is now in memory care.

Does the family have a plan for the next steps. Sounds like its time.

What I wouldn't give to have four weeks a year knowing that Mom was being looked after by family while I was on vacation! I have a brother who cannot make any financial contribution because he doesn't make much money at his job and, frankly, doesn't make good money decisions with what he has. Which also means that I don't trust him to take care of Mom's banking, taxes, etc., etc. Can I adopt you as my sibling?

Don't beat yourself up over this--you are actually DOING a lot, if you read a lot of posts, you quickly come to see that a lot of us are doing a ton for aging parents and most of the other sibs don't do a single thing. Seriously, not even a phone call.
The distance is far enough that it would chew up a whole day just getting to her. And you DO take her for "respite" and do a lot of other things.
Perhaps a group email to the other sibs, explaining to them that you are doing the best you can would help. Often, communication is not the best among families and things are said that get passed along as "truth" when in fact, they are just mis-informed.
Don't kowtow to the others, keep doing what you can/are and feel glad that you have sibs who do care. You are doing a LOT!

I also agree that it sounds like you are doing a ton! You are making very valuable contributions. My sister lives 2,000 miles away. She files my Mom's taxes, manages her investments and files her long-term care insurance claims. I'm very grateful because I couldn't handle those things. Please take care of yourself the best you can. A precious friend died on Tuesday at age 57 after 9+ years of taking care of her Dad. He's still alive at 90-something. Huge wake-up call for me.

I was thinking same as Shay, that it would be wonderful to have so much help, as so many sibs are left with handling everything alone. You do sound like a team, and two two-week visits a year is an amazing thing, especially when I think of my poor MIL, who rarely sees any of my husband's four other siblings. Don't beat yourself up. If for health reasons you had to pull the plug on all you do I guaranty that your contributions would suddenly come into clear focus for your sibs.

It sounds as though your sibs are up against some personal boundaries they've established and are feeling overwhelmed. Looking to you as the solution is not an option, as others have pointed out you should be commended for doing all that you do already. I can't blame any of you for wanting to preserve or re establish a life that doesn't involve never ending care for your mother. I think it is time for a family meeting, with each of you honestly expressing what you can/will do. If the three of you can not provide enough care for your mother the solution is not to bully each other into providing more, rather it is to seek out realistic community supports. And I have to confess, we helped my mom stay in her own home far longer than was good for her, she would have been much better off living where there was the possibility of friendship and activities rather than being isolated and stagnating alone at home.

For what it's worth I think you are doing a ton. Those things that you are helping with can really add up when you are doing it on top of hands on care. I think you should really be praised for helping so much while living so far. I know for my grandmother all as fallen on my mother and me, my uncle says that he lives too far to do anything. Thank you for helping your family so much. If your siblings are still feeling like you aren't helping enough I would tell them that you could stop what you are doing now and instead try to take her for another 2 weeks, heh I bet they change their tune pretty quick if all that you are doing now was to fall back on their shoulders.

Are you sure that your siblings expectations are really that high or is this something you are just thinking on your own? If it's them, then perhaps their expectations are not realistic. It sounds like your contributions are extremely generous. I would consider what is reasonable. When you are doing what you can, I'd have peace with it. Plus, moving a person with dementia to different places, is probably not the best idea. It can upset or disorient them. I'd be looking into more help for mom in her area. As she progresses, this will be necessary anyway.

Fivets, I had lived just literally around the corner from my parents, and all I could really do is take care of finances for them.... and drive them to appointments, shopping, etc. But I was a senior myself, so this wasn't easy. It became exhausting.

Please realize not everyone is cut out to be a hands-on caregiver, and there is nothing wrong with that. Here's an article from Aging Care that for me made me feel soooo much better about myself. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm scroll down pass the ads as the article continues.

Please do not feel guilty...we all have our limitations...you are blessed to have family members that are involved with the care of your mother, you are a team! you are working cohesively together...The only way you truly could help more is to move there, take a family leave (FMLA) if you are working and your job permits. I take care of both my parents, dad is on dialysis, mom is in a facility not walking, now dad not walking...DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP...i WISH i HAD THE FAMILLLY SUPPORT THAT YOU DO...God bless you, your mom, brothers and sisters...I pray you will find a way to ease your heart and mind in this situation...