Anyone worried they might turn out like their parents?

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After recently joining this site, I have found great comfort in knowing I'm not alone. From all the posted messages and responses I've read so far I am recognizing things going on in my life with my mother and recently deceased father that had me guessing my worth as a daughter but I know now that I've been truly manipulated by their actions. I also hope that reading these posts (they have become my nightly go to reading) will maybe help me when I'm in my eighties to remember to NOT be demanding on my children, on their time, to respect their jobs because they have to work to pay bills! NOT to pull the silent treatment because I don't like something they said. Or the guilt treatment because I want something done. I gave life to two wonderful sons but I don't expect payback. I will respect them and their families and I WILL NOT live with them. I love them too much! Instead I will make plans or accept their decision as to where I should be as I approach the final chapters of my life and hopefully God willing I can.

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I have already told my kids I will not put them through what my mom did to me. My mom isn't as bad as some I read about here..she lived "independently " in her house 20-30 minutes from me. She broke her hip in 2013. While she was in rehab, I had suggested moving to an Independent Living/Assisted Living setting. She agreed. She had given up driving a few years before. I would do her grocery shopping on Mondays after work, drive her to appts. So I looked at quite a few places, took her to see the ones that would be a good fit for her. Well, she wasn't ready.

2015 fell in her house, nothing broken, but had a few days in the hospital and then Rehab. Hubby decided it would be easier for her to move in with us. This lasted about 10 months. One night I was so mad because we ended up with roaches, my mom would sweep the dog food under the stove and also found it thrown around her room. Our one dog would eat the kibble off the floor. So it's 1:00 in the morning and I couldn't sleep. I go on the internet to look for some facility I haven't looked at. One popped up on the side of the Google results, it is owned by Methodist church, I called the next morning, went to see it that afternoon and my mom moved in the next month.

My mom had her neighbors bringing her mail up to the house and putting her trash out. They were nice enough to offer to do that for her. Small town and that's what country people do.

I have told my kids, if anything happens to their father, I am not staying in the house. They will not be driving me here and there. I will move to independent living.
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there will be, I suspect many Golden Girl and possibly Golden Boy households in the coming years. I try not to worry too much about this stuff as it can just drain you to worry about what might happen. I too have no children, and I hope I am not as obnoxious and more appreciative as I get older. Rule #1: Don't antagonize your friends who are caregivers LOL.
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Dear wagonwheel61,

This site is a lifesaver. I wish I had found it before my dad passed away from the stroke. The support and understanding has been amazing.

I hear you. I grew up desperate for praise. I was a pleaser my whole life. In our culture you were expected to care for your parents. My father did not have kids till he was in his 40s. And my mom was 20 years younger and divorced him. I felt the responsibility keenly to help him as he aged. He wanted to stay at home and since he never asked for much, I tried to accommodate him. It wasn't easy because the daily care was escalating and I failed to realize how angry and resentful I had become. I wish I had found a better way.

Seeing my dad in that situation. I am fearful for myself as I age. I have no kids and I don't expect my nieces or nephews to care for me. I know they will be too busy with their own lives. I know no one knows the future, but I hope I can stay healthy as long as possible.
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One thing I am doing that my late parents did right, I am not touching any money in savings, stocks, etc. At least I know that if I can no longer live on my own, that I could afford some years in Independent Living or Assisted Living without involving Medicaid.

Since I have no children, and never had any siblings, thus no nieces or nephews, I would need to hire all my care. Or gather up some of my cousins who are around my age and do a Golden Girl household :)
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The worry is real this will happen to me , since both of my folks have dementia and are only 20 years older then me. Since I've been tasked with taking care of both of them to keep them in their own home for as long as possible for "their well being" and preserving their resources, it has given me great insight for my own life. However, while they are getting what's best done for them, what's best for me has fallen by the wayside. It scares the crap out of me that I will outlive my money. I have no hubby and haven't worked full time in almost 3 years because it is near impossible to do so and take care of 2 demented parents. So while my folks may have enough saved for their final years, I will not if I too follow the dementia path. However, I WILL NOT expect my kids to care for me at the expense of their own lives. If I did need my kids, I would trust them to do what they felt was best for me and NOT argue and fight them every step of the way refusing to leave my home. I would be realistic about options from the moment I was diagnosed and not wait " to cross that bridge when we need to". Maybe that's the lesson out of all this experience, to get your life in order ASAP to allow your children to live theirs.
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All the time! That is the reason why I don't want children.
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Ditto. I hear ya'! Someone on here had a post last week about "kicking the can down the road," in reference to folks who fail to get things taken care of and make arrangements while they're still healthy and have all their marbles. . .as opposed to putting things off and letting things get to crisis mode and expecting your children to step and take care of everything. That really hit home with me as well, just like you have here with your post. I've told my husband that he has permission to put me in a care center (assisted living or skilled nursing) if I ever get to the point that I need it. I'm getting all the legal and financial papers taken care of so everything will be in place long before chronic illness or dementia makes me incapable of doing it. I will not expect my 3 sons or my daughters in law (if my boys ever manage to find someone to marry them) to take me in and care for me. I want them to focus on their marriage and their own children. Husband and I are trying to be frugal with our spending so we don't have to dip into our savings, so there will be money for us if one of us needs outside care. (We're only in our 40s right now).
Certainly, I want my husband and children to have compassion and visit me and make sure I'm clean and fed and as comfortable as possible but they don't have to be ones providing that care, especially not full-time.
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Hopefully, our investments will do well and still be there in 10/15 yrs. When I am 80 my oldest will be 52 my youngest 44. I have told them I don't expect them to quit jobs to care for me. If DH goes before me, I plan on selling the house and get an apartment. I hope to be able to care for myself for a long time. If not, I will have resources. Already told the girls I am spending it all.
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Ditto!!!!
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Exactly my thoughts wagonwheel61 ..I look after my mil & would never put my kids through what I am going through.
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