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For those of you that have read my other posts you know about my sister.
So I went to see Mom yesterday and she was in the best mood I have seen. Happy talking about finding pictures she had packed away (The pics I had brought her from home and put on her shelves) How she had made her bed (the housekeeper at the nursing home made it) and how she needed to organize her closet. How nice all the people are there etc. etc. Then my sister called. They only talked for maybe half a minute, Mom tried to put me on the phone with her and I explained No, we do not talk, and she let Mom go and said she would call back later. Talk about Jekyll and Hyde, after that Mom hates the nursing home, she hears it's NOT a good care center, They lie to me and she isn't getting her Therapy and she doesn't want to be there anymore. My sister didn't have time to put all of this in her head in a fifteen second conversation, I just do not understand. Anyone have anything similar to this happen?

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They lie because they generally want the control and power which means anything they can say to make themselves look good and discredit you is their goal. There is a similar issue on the Dysfunction thread. It is so sad and I sure hope that it all works out so you are not obligated to your sister other than keeping her informed. (((HUGS)))!!
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Thank you Sharyn. Both of my brothers are on my side so I believe it will go well. I just dont understand her need to lie and the lies are easily proved to be just that.
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cothrangirl3~I hope everything works out for your mothers well being. Let us know how the guardianship plays out.
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Court for guardianship is in a couple of weeks. I just read the visitor's report. He interviewed Mom and My "sister" and brothers. My sister out and out lied to him. Said I never keep any of them informed, that I have a controlling personality (ok ya that might be a bit true) and that (and this is the one that sent me through the roof) I don't see mom that often. HOW DARE SHE, I visit Mom 4x a week. I have cut back because from her surgery Aug. 5th until the first of october or so I was there every single day. She has been up her once for 2 hours since Mom's surgery. She has told the courts she would not mind Co-guardianship and wants consulted on all major decisions.
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Well my meeting with the attorney is tomorrow! And then Thursday Mom's stuff will be moved to storage, at least for the time being. Once I know where she will be permanently (assisted living or nursing home) then I can start whittling furniture etc. down and get a smaller unit. My sister is going to be livid that I did all of this without her, but I just do not care, no one needs to be going through her things at the moment, more important at this space in time is enjoying time with Mom, seeing what we can do to make MOM happy.
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The ethics are a bit dodgy, but I think you need to know exactly what your sister is saying to your mother. If her phone has a speakerphone function, that could be handy. The reason is that after your sister has done her tornado bit and wrecked your mother's peace of mind, you'll find it easier to reassure your mother if you know exactly what she's heard that you're then having to refute.

Difficult, because your mother is entitled to have a private conversation if she wants one; but since she is offering you the phone I'd be inclined to regard that as an invitation to be party to the call (and maybe cross my fingers behind my back). Also, although obviously you don't want to end up having a blazing row in front of your mother, if you'd heard what was said you could then correct your sister on the key misunderstandings and explain in words of one syllable how they were detrimental to your mother's contentment. And ideally you won't sign off with "oh go and [beep] yourself" - though that's always an option if you need to get it out of your system.
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We had to place our mother in memory care. My sis and I work together yo see that our mother is taken care of as well as taking her to Dr appointments. We sold her house a year later which the money went into our mother's financial accounts for her care. My sis, brother and I picked out what we wanted (items that were promised to us by our mother) and other odds and ends. Then we let grandchildren pick out what they wanted. Then we hired an estate liquidator to sell the rest. That mk wy also went into our mother's accounts as required by her Living Trust. It was heartbreaking to say good bye to our childhood home, but it was best that we deal with as we did instead of after our mother passes. This way, when the time comes, we can concentrate on the funeral our mother wants and then greive our loss of our last parent without worrying about the house and belongings. In themean time,.we are free to concentrate on our mother's care and the time we have left on making more memories.
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It's obviously not a good idea to allow Sis access to your mom's things, but you do need to think about what happens to them. Just letting them sit unattended is not a good idea, either; there could be an emergency at her place and things be damaged, or it could be broken into. We found when clearing my house and garage that some of the stuff we had stored had deteriorated, had insect and mouse damage, and a lot of things were no good to anybody any more. One thing about doing it now is that any proceeds should go straight to mom's bank account, rather than becoming a part of an eventual estate to be wrangled over. If there are valuable items that someone wants, either there should be an agreement that each sibling gets a similar allowance of things they want; the person that wants them buy them from Mom, or they get sold. And you need a trusted outsider of some sort to referee the whole thing. But letting them sit--or paying storage--is not good for anybody.
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No mom has a decent bank account. Sis just wants to go through her things
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Do you need money from your mom's stuff to take care of her? If she does, it might not be a bad idea to sell things, and keep a few items--keepsakes, and what she might need in AL.Get an appraisal from a dealer who will NOT be selling the stuff; when we cleaned out my folks' house, we let some stuff go too cheap because we didn't know the antique or vintage values. And if there is anything of value, put it on consignment with an auction house if there is one in your area.
Under the circumstances, it might be worth it to have a geriatric care manager take care of it. Professional geriatric care managers are bonded and know how to handle difficult relatives. Storage is only "kicking the can down the road", not to mention a pain in the neck and not cheap. When I sold my house last year, we threw, sold, or gave away most of the stuff, but our estate sale didn't sell much. I have a storage container in my lot at work, have been getting stuff out and dealing with it, and may be having to move it or ditch it again. I'm trying to deal with my stuff sooner rather than later, while I can get some benefit myself. The problem with storage is that stuff can deteriorate in storage, and eat up a lot of the value in storage charges.
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So there was a care conference about my Mom today that my sister requested. We both participated by phone. She didn't understand half of it. Her main question at the end is "So is mom still allowed to make her own decisions?" Not sure what that is about, but I am sure I will find out. A few hours after the conference my "sister" left a voicemail. Basically saying since Mom isn't ever leaving the nursing home (she may, I want to place her in an assisted living) WE need to talk. She has talked to Mom's Landlord and he will not do anything until we talk. Not sure what he needs to do, because he sure as h*ll is not letting her into Mom's apartment) Then she said WE need to figure out what we are going to do with all her stuff, are we going to have a living estate sale to help pay her expenses, are we all going to get what we want and then sell the rest, or are we going to store it all?" WELL DUH Mom is not dead, it will go into storage, period. Can anyone be that shallow and greedy?
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Sorry not sinking...sibling...kindle auto correct.
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It sounds like your mother absorbs the feelings/moods from those she is talking to. I think this normal for someone with alzhiemers/dementia. If you have DPOA then you know what is being being done regarding your mother's needs. It sounds like your sister is negative and most likely in denial and does not really accept what is being done or does not approve because she herself is not the DPOA. It is common for a sibling who is not the DPOA to recent the sinking who is and will be non supportive and counteractive.
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I would never stop conversations between my sister and my Mom. Besides I know that once I am appointed guardian and once my sister figures out that I am on Mom's accounts and she won't be able to get anything until Mom passes, she will start fading out on her own. It's her MO when the money isnt available, neither is she.
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Oh, I see. This is something that may never change. Unless a person reads a lot about dementia and/or visits with people who have dementia on a regular basis, they just don't get it. Eventually, it may not matter, because as the disease progresses, the patient will become indifferent to how family members are responding. It's not likely what your sister says to her will cause her distress indefinitely.

When talking with a dementia patient, you can't expect normal responses or accurate answers. If your sister expects this, she will become increasingly disappointed. If she refuses to accept this, then there's not much you can do, but let her see it for herself.

It's sad your mom gets upset when talking to her, but unless you are POA and able to stop the conversations, I'm not sure what you could do. If I were in charge, I think I would continue to allow the phone calls or visits. At least mom is talking to her daughter. But, that's a personal decision.
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My sister knows mom has Dementia/Alzheimers, but has no idea how to deal with her or how to talk to her. She has been a major thorn through this whole process. What I have noticed and the staff at the care center has noticed is alot of Mom's mood changes come immediately after a conversation with my sister.
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Yes, I wouldn't consider that an odd visit at all. My LO often changes her opinion about things, though she rarely is unhappy with her Memory Care unit. She usually tells me how great it is. Dementia causes her to say and do many unexpected things though. I don't have any expectations anymore.

Last week my cousin was doing particularly well. She talked more than normal and enjoyed wheeling around in the facility and talking to other residents during my visit. She had stopped saying much, but last week was a chatter box. You just never know what you'll find.

Later in the visit we went to visit in another resident's room and my cousin said she loved that room and wouldn't mind moving there to live. She said why can't I stay here, pay them a monthly fee and enjoy all the activities. I said that was a great idea. (She had forgotten that her room was down the hall and she has been there for almost a year.)

I placed a picture of a horse on her wall. (I decorate with pleasant pictures, flowers, decor, etc.) She loved it. She then told me a story of how her boyfriend came to visit her and took her on a trip on his horse. She said they had a wonderful time. (She has no boyfriend and has not been on a horse in many years.) I love it that she has a good life in her reality. I discuss it with her as if it was real. There's no harm and she enjoys it, because it is real to her.

I think that paranoia is common. Normally, if you ask questions they aren't able to give you any details. They may claim there are problems, but it's not real.

If my cousin does seem distressed, I tell her that I have just made a phone call and straightened everything out. I say, problem solved and now let's celebrate. Guess what treat I brought you. That normally cheers her up and redirects her to more positive thoughts.

I don't understand what you mean about your sister. Rarely do phone conversations with dementia patients work for more than a minute or two. If she's long distance, that's the best you can do. Are you saying that your sister doesn't understand your mom's condition?
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