My parents lived to be 92 (Dad) and 95 (Mom). When Dad was diagnosed with cancer at 91, Mom was in assisted living. She had a paid companion hired by Dad. The companion helped her dress, go out socially and took her to her many doctor appointments. I was hands-on caregiver for Dad in their home until he had an operation and we needed 24/7 care for him. He stayed at home and we had one live-in caregiver and several relief caregivers. I was there often to help. He developed dementia, which might have started before but was definitely increasing after his surgery. Cancer was his cause of death.
After dad died, I wanted to keep his live-in caregiver for Mom, who had started having dementia symptoms. Mom moved back to the home she and dad had shared. We had the same relief caregivers that we'd had for dad. She lived five more years, eventually unable to walk, talk, or understand anything. Her teeth were brown. Her arms were drawn up due to (I think) muscle contracture. Her cause of death was listed as dementia.
I managed everything, including the house, repairs, finances, their business that paid for their care, etc. etc. etc. Her needs were endless, ongoing and consuming of my life.
My takeaways: (1) I would never keep them at home again; Mom in particular could have been in a facility and wouldn't have known the difference, plus the family would have been better off emotionally, mentally, financially, and timewise. (2) Because of this experience I am a big believer in physician-assisted suicide. Both Dad and Mom repeatedly begged to die and there was no way to help them. It was heartbreaking, and I am forever traumatized from that and the whole ordeal.
In short, I wouldn't wish my experience taking care of both parents on my worst enemy.
I think we need to allow physician assisted suicide by advanced directive. Once someone gets a dementia dx they are not deemed capable of deciding if they want to die. Ridiculous. A person should be able to lay it all out in a legal document stating at what point they no longer want to live and allow their proxy to enact their wishes. Of course it would need to be verified by two doctors that they have reached that part of their journey. Why we insist on keeping people alive when their lives are untenable is beyond me. Quality, not quantity at some point for all of us. But then I suppose the facilities that make a fortune off families would lose out. My father decided not to live with ALZ and took his own life. It was shocking, but not surprising.
How to cope? Got me thinking about the word *cope* Definition: deal effectively with something difficult.
I suppose it depends what you need.
Is it emotional support? Medical help? Legal help? Is it the right equipment to assist mobility? Do you need many more hands? Or defined 'working hours' so you can knock-off & have some free time?
Have a think about what you need to improve things to an easier level to cope with.
Once you identify what you need, hopefully it will become a little clearer how to proceed. We can then make suggestions about how to find the resources.
Quite frankly, I think the definition of ‘cope’ for many long term caregivers would be either to delegate responsibilities or even better than that if possible, plan an escape strategy, any which way that you can!
You just slip about the back, Jack Make a new plan. Stan No need to be coy, Roy Just get your self free Hop on the bus, Gus You don’t need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And set yourself free Ooh, slip out the back, back Make a new plan, Stan You don’t need to be coy, Roy Just listen to me Hop on the bus, Gus You don’t need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free
50 ways to leave your mother! Don’t you love the classics!
Oh yeah. Mom was 90 and Dad 95. We had 3 caregivers and still constant emergencies. Mom fell on her head and need to go to the ER. Dad with some dementia repeating over and over “where is she?” Dad fell and broke his hip and became wheelchair bound. Even with help it was very crazy-making. Hold on. They really won’t be around that much longer.
That’s what I thought about my parents when I took on the burden. But no, it lasted more than five years. I wasn’t expecting that. It was horrible for all concerned.
I recall telling my friend that her mom wouldn’t last forever when the mom was 92 and declining with cognitive and mobility issues. The mom lived to 101!!! They just won’t die, they go on and on and on! This is sometimes not a blessing but a curse.
Hi Umbrellagirl, Nice to meet you. My mother just turned 95 and my father will be 95 next month. I don’t think there are many like us out there.
my father had to go into a NH in January. His health declined and we could not handle his care at home any longer. My mother is lingering at home. She got a pacemaker last year and could probably be like this for years.
We are trying to get our mother into the same NH but that’s not proving to be easy for financial reasons and because the NH had no beds available.
its been easier with my dad in the NH, I have to say last year was awful. This year has been a little less awful because we are only dealing with my mothers care. I visit my dad every day when I’m staying at my parents’ home but I can just be a daughter and advocate for him. I do not have to worry about the logistics of care management like I do with my mother.
I am at my parents every other month for one month stretches. I split the caregiving tasks with my sister.
It’s very stressful handling caregiving for two parents simultaneously. It is hard enough to do for one. I cope because I have an extremely supportive husband who travels with me and stays with me at my parents and I have one sister who stepped up to the plate. We work together to make this work. and of course a glass or two of wine a day doesn’t hurt.
It’s certainly a marathon, not a sprint! One day at a time…
How wonderful that you have a supportive husband and sister. Sadly, many caregivers don’t have that support from their siblings and spouse. It is what it is…
My parents lived until 93 and 94 at their home. I was there caretaker for a very long 14 years. My mother was the easiest - going blind and losing her mind, but usually pleasant to be around. My father was his usual demanding narc a**-hat self - as the years passed he got worse. Only my father was bedridden for several months. The three hour round trips to VA doctors got old fast. I could never please my father when I was a child, and the same as an adult. My sister (the princess) lived close, but only came to visit when she wanted something. They did not want outside help and would not go to a NH. My father had blown most of their finances on his "get rich schemes".
If I had the choice again, I would have left the country like I had planned. I cannot do it now, because my heath is ruined and I will not live a long life like my parents. Since I have terminal cancer, my son and I have decided he will not be a caretaker.
Please do not take on caring for two elders. It will kill you.
I am just starting my journey in taking care of both my parents (coming up on the 1 year mark now). My mother is only 79 and is a good 3 years into her dementia diagnosis. My dad is 84. Today I’m coping by taking a “mental health day” and reading up on “how to cope”!
Good luck and good for you for taking care of yourself. I’m an on my child. Caring for both parents who are 82. Mom is 3 years into dementia diagnosis, and my father was her sole caregiver until he collapsed on church with 1st UTI in May and 2 since then (one turned sepsis). I moved them into assisted living less than mile from me. That home has become my residence too. It’s exhausting. Medical appointments weekly and Dad in and out of hospital.
My parents argue. I cannot deal with having them on two places. I’m already stretched thin. I have a 12 year old. I’m 58. My 25 year old is getting married and I’m planning a wedding.
My parents are able to afford to have home care from Visiting Angels. They were very careful to save their money over the years, including money inherited from a couple of siblings who never married / had no children. In that way, they were incredibly blessed. So I’m certainly not complaining, and I have no right to complain, especially knowing what others go though, whose parents cannot afford home care. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am!
Visiting Angels is very expensive, but my parents still have enough money to last a couple of years, to cover that home care. But I know they are worried about what would happen if either of them outlive their money.
And yet even with the Visiting Angels home care, there is still quite a lot that I personally have to handle. Such as anything of a financial nature, the upkeep of the house, all the doctor’s’ appointments, all the phone calls, various miscellaneous things that I can’t think of, off the top of my head.
It’s so painful to watch them both decline. Neither one of them has any dementia - they are both still sharp as whips! That is yet another incredible blessing! Their problems are all physical in nature, and quite severe. I know how much they miss their independence, and their ability to do all these things for themselves. It’s very difficult to exist in a broken body when your mind is still fully functioning.
Anyway, it’s heartbreaking enough when you’re only dealing with one parent, but when it’s both of them at the same time, in their 90’s, WOW, it’s a LOT…
Umbrella Girl, My parents are running out of money now. We have about one more year of savings. We already sold their house and they are living off that $$ now. I am applying for VA benefits and hope we get it. Otherwise I'll be applying to Medicaid for them. I spoke with one of my cousins two days ago. Her mom is 96 (mine is 94) and in a NH with dementia. She doesn't know her kids any more and doesn't speak. Thinking that's probably the unfortunate state that my mom will be in before she passes. Then there's my dad, still cognizant but body is betraying him. His older sister is 96 (last surviving sibling of 12 kids). She is getting "senile" now.
If you can convince your parents to sell their house and move into AL - the kind of place with step-up care as they need it, it will make your life a little easier (once the house is prepped and sold...that part will be difficult, but just rely heavily on the Realtor!).
Sending love and blessings to you and your parents. You are a very caring daughter. Be good to yourself. You are definitely not alone!
My MIL and her sister did with their parents at their home, until their dad passed at home days after turning 98. Grandma was 97. Then Grandma stayed at home until she very recently went to AL at nearly 99. The ONLY reasons they were able to do it so long was because: Nobody was bedridden, grandma still mentally sharp, plus BOTH sisters( plus some other family members) helped as needed. It was still hard. One or the other of them Was always falling, going to ER, etc. Grandpa refused hired help when they tried that, became belligerent. Their decline began as COVID was hitting and went on for both and now just grandma. Her being in AL is a huge help. She’d had a couple of bad falls and her dr finally said she must be in 24 hour care.
It is not uncommon that people are living longer. My friend’s mother was 103 years old when she passed away two months ago. Because of lifestyle, people are living longer.
Since you seem overwhelmed by taking care of both your parents, you definitely need help with caregiving. It is time for you to put your parents in a nursing facility such as AL, etc.
Good luck, and remember that your health matters too.
I agree. I have enough with one parent and help and she isn’t bad! I could certainly never handle two at once! If you could find a facility to take both now it would help their adjustment having each other and ease your burden and let you enjoy your time with them more. You definitely would need to hire a fair amount of extra help if they stay at home. This forum really helps me keep my sanity as well! Best of luck!
After dad died, I wanted to keep his live-in caregiver for Mom, who had started having dementia symptoms. Mom moved back to the home she and dad had shared. We had the same relief caregivers that we'd had for dad. She lived five more years, eventually unable to walk, talk, or understand anything. Her teeth were brown. Her arms were drawn up due to (I think) muscle contracture. Her cause of death was listed as dementia.
I managed everything, including the house, repairs, finances, their business that paid for their care, etc. etc. etc. Her needs were endless, ongoing and consuming of my life.
My takeaways: (1) I would never keep them at home again; Mom in particular could have been in a facility and wouldn't have known the difference, plus the family would have been better off emotionally, mentally, financially, and timewise. (2) Because of this experience I am a big believer in physician-assisted suicide. Both Dad and Mom repeatedly begged to die and there was no way to help them. It was heartbreaking, and I am forever traumatized from that and the whole ordeal.
In short, I wouldn't wish my experience taking care of both parents on my worst enemy.
Definition: deal effectively with something difficult.
I suppose it depends what you need.
Is it emotional support?
Medical help?
Legal help?
Is it the right equipment to assist mobility?
Do you need many more hands?
Or defined 'working hours' so you can knock-off & have some free time?
Have a think about what you need to improve things to an easier level to cope with.
Once you identify what you need, hopefully it will become a little clearer how to proceed. We can then make suggestions about how to find the resources.
Quite frankly, I think the definition of ‘cope’ for many long term caregivers would be either to delegate responsibilities or even better than that if possible, plan an escape strategy, any which way that you can!
You just slip about the back, Jack
Make a new plan. Stan
No need to be coy, Roy
Just get your self free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And set yourself free
Ooh, slip out the back, back
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
50 ways to leave your mother! Don’t you love the classics!
I recall telling my friend that her mom wouldn’t last forever when the mom was 92 and declining with cognitive and mobility issues. The mom lived to 101!!! They just won’t die, they go on and on and on! This is sometimes not a blessing but a curse.
my father had to go into a NH in January. His health declined and we could not handle his care at home any longer. My mother is lingering at home. She got a pacemaker last year and could probably be like this for years.
We are trying to get our mother into the same NH but that’s not proving to be easy for financial reasons and because the NH had no beds available.
its been easier with my dad in the NH, I have to say last year was awful. This year has been a little less awful because we are only dealing with my mothers care. I visit my dad every day when I’m staying at my parents’ home but I can just be a daughter and advocate for him. I do not have to worry about the logistics of care management like I do with my mother.
I am at my parents every other month for one month stretches. I split the caregiving tasks with my sister.
It’s very stressful handling caregiving for two parents simultaneously. It is hard enough to do for one. I cope because I have an extremely supportive husband who travels with me and stays with me at my parents and I have one sister who stepped up to the plate. We work together to make this work. and of course a glass or two of wine a day doesn’t hurt.
Good luck to you.
It’s certainly a marathon, not a sprint! One day at a time…
How wonderful that you have a supportive husband and sister. Sadly, many caregivers don’t have that support from their siblings and spouse. It is what it is…
Best wishes to you…
If I had the choice again, I would have left the country like I had planned. I cannot do it now, because my heath is ruined and I will not live a long life like my parents. Since I have terminal cancer, my son and I have decided he will not be a caretaker.
Please do not take on caring for two elders. It will kill you.
Today I’m coping by taking a “mental health day” and reading up on “how to cope”!
My parents argue. I cannot deal with having them on two places. I’m already stretched thin. I have a 12 year old. I’m 58. My 25 year old is getting married and I’m planning a wedding.
My life has been hijacked.
Like you, I’m taking this day for myself.
Visiting Angels is very expensive, but my parents still have enough money to last a couple of years, to cover that home care. But I know they are worried about what would happen if either of them outlive their money.
And yet even with the Visiting Angels home care, there is still quite a lot that I personally have to handle. Such as anything of a financial nature, the upkeep of the house, all the doctor’s’ appointments, all the phone calls, various miscellaneous things that I can’t think of, off the top of my head.
It’s so painful to watch them both decline. Neither one of them has any dementia - they are both still sharp as whips! That is yet another incredible blessing! Their problems are all physical in nature, and quite severe. I know how much they miss their independence, and their ability to do all these things for themselves. It’s very difficult to exist in a broken body when your mind is still fully functioning.
Anyway, it’s heartbreaking enough when you’re only dealing with one parent, but when it’s both of them at the same time, in their 90’s, WOW, it’s a LOT…
My parents are running out of money now. We have about one more year of savings. We already sold their house and they are living off that $$ now. I am applying for VA benefits and hope we get it. Otherwise I'll be applying to Medicaid for them. I spoke with one of my cousins two days ago. Her mom is 96 (mine is 94) and in a NH with dementia. She doesn't know her kids any more and doesn't speak. Thinking that's probably the unfortunate state that my mom will be in before she passes. Then there's my dad, still cognizant but body is betraying him. His older sister is 96 (last surviving sibling of 12 kids). She is getting "senile" now.
If you can convince your parents to sell their house and move into AL - the kind of place with step-up care as they need it, it will make your life a little easier (once the house is prepped and sold...that part will be difficult, but just rely heavily on the Realtor!).
Sending love and blessings to you and your parents. You are a very caring daughter. Be good to yourself. You are definitely not alone!
There are posters on the forum that have been in your shoes. Some parents have lived past 100!
It’s definitely frustrating and challenging being a caregiver. Do you have any outside help?
Wishing you peace as you continue on with your caregiver journey.
Since you seem overwhelmed by taking care of both your parents, you definitely need help with caregiving. It is time for you to put your parents in a nursing facility such as AL, etc.
Good luck, and remember that your health matters too.