I have POA for my father, he lives in our guest house. Sister lives out of state. She used to call him once a week now she calls him everyday since he fell. She is in denial over his dementia and constantly argues with me on the subject. I finally had to set ground rules and asked her not to talk about our father's care as I am extremely stressed out and stress brings on my seizures. Well that didn’t work. Everyday she tries to micromanage my caring for him. I was sick in bed today and she said get your butt up and go check on dad. Which I find strange as she didn’t even want him to live with her. Maybe it’s her way of feeling like she is helping him? I don’t know. I had always hoped she could be supportive from a distance and we could be a team in our fathers care. I’m finally seeing she is more of a burden than a help. It’s so sad. We’ve never argued this much in our lives. Sure we are sisters and we have had our disagreements but nothing like this.

I hate to say it but my father is driving a wedge between us, even if in his dementia state he doesn’t know he is. He calls her and complains about me. He also calls his sister (my aunt) and complains about me. How I’m trying to take his license away (I currently have his keys) etc etc. I feel like I have everyone against me and I just can’t deal with the stress of him on top of everyone else. I finally had to block my sister from texts and phone calls. I first told her I really hate that it has come down to this but I have to do this for my own health. Nothing else has worked.

Sadly we hear about siblings fighting over a loved ones care a lot on this forum. And usually it's the sibling(s) that doesn't live close, or doesn't want to do the hands on caring, that likes to complain to the one caring, how things should be done or not done.

After reading what you wrote at the bottom of this post, that your sister doesn't even think that dementia is real, has to be one of the most ignorant things I've ever read. Perhaps if she would actually do her homework, and learn about dementia, she could better assist you in the care of your father.

So if your sister thinks she can do a better job caring for your father, tell her that she can come and get him. I'm guessing that that will shut her up in heartbeat.

But honestly and realistically, you probably need to place your father in the appropriate facility, as the stress is taking its toll on you, and with you having seizures, that's not good in any way shape or form. Seizures can kill you, as you already know, and I'm not sure all this is worth losing your life over. So please take care of you first, and do whatever is necessary to cut down on the stress in your life. God bless you.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to funkygrandma59

Absolutely agree with Alva Deer and funkygrandma59 that it may be time to stop the caregiving for your father. You have been under so much stress for months now. And seizures! That is serious!

Just because your sister said he can't go into a care home and he can't live with her (read that in one of your previous posts) doesn't mean that YOU have to provide the care for your father.

What are his finances? How would a facility be paid for? Would he be Medicaid-eligible? Just how much care are you providing for him?

PLEASE PLEASE put yourself FIRST and do not be a martyr.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to CTTN55

Sounds like Dad needs to spend two weeks visiting your sister or your aunt.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to lkdrymom
jacobsonbob Jan 22, 2021
Isn't THAT the truth!!

Ask his physician to recommend a PROFESSIONAL (psychiatrist, neurologist, psychologist, social worker) TRAINED in GERIATRICS, and request that that specialist’s report include your father’s ability to manage ADL, ESPECIALLY from the standpoint of PERSONAL SAFETY and ability to function independently in a familiar environment.

When you have gotten your copy of the report, MAIL A COPY to your sister.

The relationship between you and your sister may or may not survive this. It may be fractured but not permanently disrupted. Once she has read the professional report, the ball will be in HER COURT.

I myself learned to avoid ANY VERBAL INTERACTIONS when there was hostility between my fellow POA and me. I communicate now ONLY by text or email, because I keep records of everything he accuses me of.

Many relationships among siblings/mutual caregivers are disrupted during caregiving. You, as the hands on caregiver AND POA, have the ABSOLUTE RIGHT to being a conscientious and responsible caregiver TO YOURSELF.

For the time being, you MUST place your father’s needs and YOUR NEEDS far FAR beyond whatever needs your sister THINKS SHE HAS, whatever has caused them.
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Reply to AnnReid

Yes! I had a few issues with both my brothers, especially with my father and his dementia/care and it spilled over to after he died. Then we were better with my mother's situation but distance causes all sorts of issues and misunderstandings. Older parents cause trouble with complaints and absent siblings feel as though they are doing something by complaining, ordering, bullying (?) the one that has most of the caring duties (often the daughter 🙄).
It can be a nightmare and you need to do what you can to protect your sanity.
Things may get better later (they have between me and mine) especially if you had a good relationship before.
Remember none of it is your fault. You can only do your best.
Good luck! x
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to wiseowl

I have three brothers, 2 of which no longer have contact with me. All because I asked for help with our mother. Their lives were more important than mine. I am the oldest. I helped raise them and I helped them anytime they needed me. Went out of my way for them time after time. My baby brother and my niece stepped up and helped me all they could. Mom is now in memory care. Her dementia went far beyond just being forgetful and not being able to take care of herself. She was violent and tried to hit, bite, scratch and kick me. I finally got help from a social worker at a geriatric hospital. Sometimes all I needed was moral support and those two could not be bothered. Mom has been in MC facility for just over a year and those two haven't seen or talked to her in two years.
The decision was theirs to cut me off, so if they can live with it so can I. My dad would be very disappointed with them. He passed 9 years ago. It's a sad situation but I had to accept it.
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Reply to Debdec
disgustedtoo Jan 22, 2021
You're not alone!
See 1 more reply
The advice to send your sister medical, factual info is great. She won’t likely argue with facts that don’t come from you. The Alzheimer’s Association website has lots of good info.
“More of a burden than a help” describes what a sibling of mine was in the care of my dad. What I quickly decided was that only one person can argue and I wasn’t having any part of it. I distanced myself from his tirades, hired extra help for my dad so I didn’t depend on his non-helpful help, and communicated on a need to know basis only. I wasn’t rude, just didn’t participate in his mess.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Daughterof1930
disgustedtoo Jan 22, 2021
Yes, it takes two to tango, so what OP has done is to block text and phone calls. THAT at least temporarily stops the daily nonsense. Sis could try other tactics, but hopefully not.

Not sure any kind of documentation or information is going to be useful for the sister or the aunt. Some people just don't get it.

So, yes, focus on self-care and dad-care. As POA we don't own ANY explanation to anyone. POAs are to allow you to function while helping the person in need. It's nice when we can share at least some info with our siblings, but not this one!
Since your family can do better, I suggest you pack him up and have your dad live with your sister who is micromanaging. Since your father is complaining about you, all the more reason to have him leave and live with your aunt or sister. You owe him nothing.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to cetude

I have 4 siblings and am also POA and its never been worse. We used to be close knit but now its ww3. This is a very common problem.
What i do now through text and zoom meetings ONLY is act as if this is a corporation. I give everyone the platform to vent and and if they have issues with care - i ask THEM to go out and resource the solution. Not just complain, you need the solution or together we come up with a middle ground that satisfies both sides.
YOU are POA and were selected to be POA because your father saw something in you to take care of his best interests and that is your job at this time.

I suggest you get help at least 4 hours a day possibly a shared cost. It is easy to tell someone who lives with a sick parent while they have their feet up watching tv and relaxing with a bottle of wine.

Tell her she can be supportive by paying for your dads care of x amount of hours per week and e-transfer $ to the caregiver. (she may not but see) This way she can tell that person to do whatever she wants done during those hours. Also you can take reasonable $ monthly for caring for him in your home.

If you express concern privately to his doctor regarding dementia - and have the doctor deem him incapable of making decisions. (if he truly can't -they will make an assessment) you can enforce the POA and no one can interfere with your decisions - and he will not get his license - blame it on the doctor. What you will find is that everything will be blamed on you so you need to be strong. Just stay strong. I have the same problem and had to keep telling myself that this is about dad NOT us.

see a lawyer and seek advise - see what your rights are -

keep all documents with you and share nothing. You can answer questions but are not obligated to show anything.
You are the chosen one so do what you know is right. Put your dads bank account in both your name if you still can so you can easily make financial decisions.
TALK TO YOUR LAWYER - BANKER and listen to your heart - Dementia has broken tones of families - try and listen to all and get the family to come up with their own solutions to their complaints because its easy to complain.
Good luck.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to cye123

Imho, I hear you on this subject. I really do. I was my mother's out of state caregiver and it was me who had to move in with her. Even my mother's former employer said "Your brother only shows up for the party." Turns out this gentleman was correct as when I said to my brother that it was his turn on the caregiving, he said "I won't do it." Well, okay then. The moral of the story is if the non caregiving sibling is not in the active caregiving role, they CANNOT and SHOULD NOT have any right to complain. Prayers sent.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Llamalover47
disgustedtoo Jan 22, 2021
I would agree, except it is (for now) a free country, so they do still have the right to complain... HOWEVER, we have the right NOT TO LISTEN!

When I had to manage everything, which initially included ensuring the bills for the condo were paid, get it cleared out, cleaned up and repaired, ensure all paperwork needed for sale was done while managing her income and the trust (needed to be aware how much was needed each month, as it could vary a bit), keep receipts and bills, get taxes done for her and the trust, pay her rent, schedule and take her to appts, buy supplies and medications, etc etc etc... If I said it was too much and needed help, OB just bellowed at me to GIVE IT UP! No alternative. No offer to take some of the load. Jerk. Later when I said it was too much to YB, his response was "They take care of everything." Duh. No they don't. Jerk II, The Sequel.

Visits? OB couldn't handle the last one he had, about 10 m and hasn't been back in over 2.5 years. I don't believe YB visited in about 2 years or more. I was the only one consistently visiting with her.

Funny that even now, with nothing for them to do except say how they want their share I can't even get an answer. One did, but asked me how one withdraws - gah!!! TALK to the Trust people, don't ask me. YB took 11 days to respond, despite getting FIVE emails and a text message.

I can't wait for all the paperwork to be done and the last checks to go out!!! Maybe I'll even have some kind of celebration, hmmm, what shall I call it? Good Riddance to Bad Brothers? Bad Boys Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when I'm done with you!!! Because I AM done with them both.
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