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I seem to hate mom. She makes my life miserable. Thank goodnes she doesnt live with me. So my life isn't always miserable. I'm trying to help her when I can. But her codependent relationship with my brother is a major problem. Also her being rigid and negative and have anxiety disorder. She is on anxiety meds. But only help some. Wont try different ones. Would never work in therapy. Expected therapist to solve her problems. She wouldnt change. Won't listen to anyone.

Barbara

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Finished, I would move too.'your dad sounds like my mom and dad. Selfish till the day they died.
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My mother was a supreme narc and tormented me and my poor late father life long. In a nursing home for 3 years, she passed away three weeks ago tonight. There is no other family and she had no friends. Since she went into the NH I have gradually put things in place so in the end things would go as smoothly as possible. It's not been an easy three weeks but now I just have a few loose ends to tie up.

In accordance with her wishes, cremation has taken place and her ashes are being held at the funeral home - I won't have them in the house. Next week I will scatter her ashes in her former home town, as she wished, and then I can finally close the door and get on with my life. I feel absolutely nothing, just a huge sense of relief that I'm finally free.
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Im in the same boat. I made my mother get on a waiting list for a low income senior housing ( she lives with me and my hubby for the last year and a half and it feels like a lifetime) and when I mention the apartment to her now days, she shows me her pacemaker scar...........HUH????? Sorry mom but my sympathy tank ran out of gas a LOOOONG time ago. Its empty. I have zero sympathy or pity left in my body for this woman right now. I hope that changes when she leaves my house, but I don't think it will. This has been like living in H*LL. She DIDNT take care of me when I was a kid and I will NOT give up the rest of my life to take care of her.. Maybe it would have been different if just one of my siblings would have stepped up to the plate to help, but they all ran for the hills and left me hanging ( but now JUDGE what me and hubby do with mom, but that alone is a whole new subject) . I USED to be a Happy person but living with my mother, who only cares about HERSELF, has killed my spirit. Its sad...... but it is what it is. I just want my life back. And until that happens I will also hate my mother, She DESTROYED my life !!!! what else am I supposed to feel ??
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Hadnuff, can you disconnect from mom? Does she need hands on care from you? Can you just step back and let the two of them be whatever they are to each other? What might be the downside to that?
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Good for you finished,please take care of yourselves.
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for a little comic relief, let me mention that my husband spent years as a personal security guard and professional driver for dignitaries all over the world. So when Daddy gives him driving directions and yes one time told him" if you were my driving student I would flunk you!" it's no wonder my husband would like to punch him so instead, we just laugh. What else can you do. Laughter truly is the best medicine!! It is just all so insane. Neither one of us can believe this is our life. Its fixing to change very soon and for the rest of our lives.
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your feelings are completely understandable. my father knows that I have been through cancer twice but he swears everytime I mention to him that I had gone blind in one eye and attended mom's funeral in that state instead of going to see my doctors he swears he never heard a thing about it. My husband had a massive heart attack 6 months ago after caring for my father all day yet again and... My father swears there is no evidence my husband actually had a heart attack.whenever he has the tiniest little problem at his house which is anything but tiny, he calls my husband who, being the former Marine he is, comes running. we changed my husband's cell phone number the day he had his heart attack. We gave it to my father and told him it was for emergencies only. Within two days my father was calling up to 15 times a day again. now we have told him the doctor took the cell phone away and daddy has to call my number to get through to my husband. I do the best I can to protect my husband. We put up a security gate in front of our new home 2 years ago which is 20 minutes away from my father's house. The first night we spent in the house was a Saturday. the next morning which was Sunday, we awoke at 6:30 in the morning to the sound of my father standing on his horn outside the gate. To spare the neighbors, my husband went outside to see what was wrong. Daddy said he was bored and needed somewhere to go. He ended up staying all day with us waiting on him hand and foot and every bathroom in that house needed to be scrubbed top to bottom. Food all over the couches. Is it wrong that I cared about the house we worked for all of our lives? we put in a second security gate. Now daddy asks my husband to come over and help with this and that and no matter what, always ends up saying where are you going I'd sure like to get out for a little while. What these" field trips" consist of is a continuous stream of personal assaults about how my husband brings all of his stress on to himself by allowing the CHILDREN to bother us with the grandchildren's football games, our daughter's high school graduation, things we shouldn't have to attend because we should be spending time with him. He also continually gives driving directions to my husband who is a former force reconnaissance Marine sniper highly decorated and not used to being talked down to. my husband says the only reason my father has any teeth left in his mouth is because he is my father. my husband never stands up for himself to my father. This causes me to have feelings of hatred toward my father. Sometimes I feel like my father is going to kill my husband with all his abusive remarks. He never says please or thank you. I strongly suspect he wishes I would die from my cancer so he could have my husband all to himself. my father is an extremely self centered, narcissistic person who thinks he is the only 87 year old man that has anything interesting to say. He will not consider lowering himself by entering an assisted living facility, even though he has been paying long term care insurance for 25 years. Even after building the two security gates, we are leaving our beautiful dream house to move out of state and we will not be supplying a forwarding address. as daddy needs constant help now,We will set daddy up with all of the information he needs and offer to help him with his transition, but I know he will not comply because he says he doesn't need help yet, he feels this way because my husband brings groceries and takes care of his every need and daddy allows this to continue.again never please or thank you. Only a continuous stream of complaints. People will think we have abandoned him. let them think what they want we have put in all the years of our marriage taking care of my poor mother who died of Alzheimers. We have done enough and everytime my phone rings and I see that it's Daddy, feelings of hatred well up in my heart. I can't help it I'm only human. This man never cared about anyone but himself. the rest of his life is going to be up to him and the caregivers I hope he will accept. try not to beat yourself up and I will do the same. Being a caregiver to an abusive narcicist can not only ruin your life but end it prematurely. it will certainly steal your joy if your mom is anything like my Dad. no it is not wrong for you to step aside. Stop the madness. At least then you have a chance for happiness. I wish you all the luck in the world with your situation and please don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do.
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Well, it's good that you are able to express yourself. Your feelings are your feelings and you are not required to like your mom. It sounds like there is quite a bit of dysfunction. It's amazing how common that is in families.

Did you attend therapy together? I suppose you could encourage mom to try a medication adjustment, but that's difficult if she is resistant to change. I have found that many seniors are resistant to change. Now, I really pick my battles with my parents. Since they aren't receptive to information or advice, I just decide what I really have to intervene over and then I put my my foot down. But, for the most part, I let things go.

I might try to find a counselor who can help give you some support. You can get support from places like this site too. It's good to vent and get others' perspectives.

I'm not sure how old you are, but I found that as I matured, I saw the benefits of forgiveness and moving past the bad years. That's a personal decision, but it really helped me. When I got older, I discovered that my parents were not able to make me miserable.
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