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Don't know what to do. Looking after a family member who is nice to everybody and their mother. But when alone with me the real person shows. Now we help our family members especially if they helped raise us. Especially if they don't have anyone else. Or they have others but those people don't care. Now the person is narcissistic and lies like crazy. Very believable. Now has memory issues and you could check off everything on the dementia list. The person controlling tells you to be quiet not to tell doctors anything. Everybody in the family to think that they are okay when they're not. Sad and disturbing to watch them lose their mind. But want to take you down with them it seems. Kind of family member that never really considered you is part of the family even though you are. Cold uncaring and unloving is all you've ever known. Maybe when you were younger they were nicer but basically you were not the most favorite in the family. Definitely favoritism is played ..and it's not you.
Does terrible things that you have witnessed and then tells everybody you're crazy when you tell about them. You don't want this person to go in any kind of a nursing home because you always love them and wished that they weren't like that. Everything was blamed on you all the time. And the whole family has a different picture of you. you wanted to be close and finally at the end of their life they want you in their life they even invite you over to make yourself at home. But then they're rude to you tell you shut up mind your own business and call you a liar. All your nice efforts go hidden or unmentioned. Never wanted to help you when you needed it. And rubs it in your face that they have everything better than you. But you have this longing for a relationship with this person called your mother. He makes Mommy Dearest look like June cleaver. Not with everything but you are definitely not loved. All your life you've waited for this person I'll give him to finally love you. So you run you pack your things all excited you go there. You forget a number everything they've ever said or done to you this is the chance that you've always wanted. But you realize by the second day that they really don't want you there. :-( they just need you and they don't have anyone else and they don't want to go in a nursing home. So you watching all these disturbing things going on and you're not allowed to report it to the doctor. You tell the person stop bad thing like that or I will not help you anymore. of course they abused it. And you leave. And you're driving home you're crying you feel guilty you didn't want this and you start questioning your own sanity. the mental torment abuse that you grew up with is still going on. I'm a responsible adult and I'm very professional and I've won the respect of many people. Yet this person called your mother keeps you like you are 10. The Gloria Gaynor song plays in your mind but you can't change the lock it's your mother. And you love her and you want to overlook everything because you know he is not long for the world. So basically you yo-yo it. And when you tell your family they don't believe anything because they've talked to this person. Called your mother. that by the way could win an Academy Award. And won several Grammys all throughout your life. you know that something's wrong and you try to do the right thing. Nobody else seems to be doing anything much. Maybe a schedule doctor's appointment. Or a little bit of advice. And that appeases the woman referred to as your mother. I say that very sad. Not everybody has a maternal instinct. I believe not all mother's love. I know they play favoritism. capable of being nice your sister or your brother but quickly changes when it's you. They get all the Privileges and frills you get nothing. If anything she thinks you're after her money. Like let's pretend any amount of money is worth being treated awful and cruel. But you long for love and acceptance before she dies. Help

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Yes, you CAN leave.

She won't get the help she needs until you stop enabling her. It's almost like buying drugs for an addict. She's addicted to the idea that she can do for herself when she can't.

She and other won't find that out unless you leave.

Please save yourself.
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againx100 Feb 25, 2020
YES! You do NOT need to do ANYTHING!!! You make a choice, every day, to allow this horrible situation to continue and take a huge toll on you. That is not right. No one deserves that.

She will have to take care of herself. If she really really can't, then others will have to step up or she will have to go to the hospital, assisted living, a nursing home - whatever the appropriate placement is for her.

Get into therapy ASAP.

Read those boundary books.

Back off from the level of care and support NOW. You will get negativity from everyone else involved - but so what? They are already bad to you. I basically think "screw them". Who cares what they think? People who treat you poorly and dump all this work on you do not get a vote in how you spend your time in the future. Put it to bed. Can't change what's happened up to now so let that go.
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You sound like you are at your wit’s end. Please take a break if possible. Go talk to someone. Make important decisions for you, not your loved one. If you are burning out, depressed and so on then you need to pay attention to you right now.

Best wishes to you and hugs.
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Anna Banana (said with love, a childhood friend had this name and I adored her; if you are her, I would say this to you still!), I answered your other question and found this one too.

You've said there are other people around who don't believe what you say and who treat you with disrespect. By leaving and protecting yourself, your mother only loses a free caregiver. She does not lose her daughter, as she is incapable of loving you as a daughter. You have been groomed to be her slave, and not a well treated one at that.

I don't know if you have a license as a caregiver, but if you do, you are violating your license when you don't speak up when you see dangerous conditions. Your mthr is asking you to value her comfort over your livelihood. The best way for you to handle that is to leave her alone. To not bother her. To let her decline the way she wants to decline. She will be fine, she says, she will get along just fine without any help.

I think it is most respectful of your mother if you believe her. She can do just fine without your help. Your relatives, friends, neighbors all believe that. So you don't need to be there to do what is not needed. She is not going to thank you. She cannot love you.

I want you to buy the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud from Walmart, a real bookstore, Amazon. It's everywhere in it's bazillionth printing. It seems like everyone has this problem but it's those of us who were mistreated as children who have the hardest time with it. The book is a great starting point.

To find a counselor, ask for one who does cognitive therapy for families like alcoholics have. Those of us who have family abuse have the coverups and rages that we have experienced which is also found in alcoholic families.

And stop going to your mother's house for now until you can get some distance and understanding. You don't need to talk to her, you need to talk to an unbiased 3rd party. You are an excellent caregiver and your mother is simply a fool to treat you so poorly. You would not let a client treat you that way, so you need to move on, just like she says.
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It won’t get better. Take care of you!!! See a therapist to help you and keep coming back to this forum. You need to take care of YOU, not everyone else.
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anonymous1024799 Feb 23, 2020
You're you're right because I'm getting really depressed. I didn't leave the house for 3 days that's not me
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This is banana. I wish she wouldn’t leave but it looks like she is leaving because she is anonymous. You can only be anonymous when you delete your account.,I wish you would stick around and listen to the help. I listened to the help on this forum, and guess what? I’m still alive because of this forum. I have backed off my Mother. She called me tonight and she said she called 911 AGAIN last night. I didn’t go over there. I was home spending time with own family!
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 24, 2020
I agree, Elaine. This poster really tugged at my heartstrings.
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It won't get better; family dynamics etched in stone... distance yourself, and focus on other people and other things. That has helped me a great deal; can help you, too!
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anonymous1024799 Feb 22, 2020
I would I would love to be able to do that but I can't. Even though I wasn't treated good I can't just leave someone to themselves. She makes me feel sorry for her. I cried and I feel guilty and I'd rather take the blame I have people think I'm crazy in my family and desert my own mother.
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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. She is not going to change,. You will sacrifice your life and well being, and this person will keep going. Who cares what everyone else thinks? Let them walk in your shoes, otherwise they can zip it. Be strong. Best wishes.
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I just ordered the book for myself, Surprise. Your comments help ALL of us, not just the OP. Your words didn’t go unnoticed.,If you can’t help the OP,,you’ve helped me.
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surprise Feb 24, 2020
Im sorry you've had to live through this too, Elaine. I'm glad I can help you. I pray Anna Banana can hear us through the clamor of her mother's voice. 💖
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Can you love yourself enough, right now, to walk into a Church or Synagogue or Mosque and explain to someone in a position of authority that you are attempting to be responsible for someone who you love, but who has very difficult behavior?

You are blessed with friends who care for you and respect you. Can you listen to them, and use what they say to trust yourself to stop trying to gain something from someone who will refuse to honor your value?

If your mother needs ongoing care and does not allow you to care for her as she should be cared for, by her behavior she is RELEASING YOU from your OBLIGATION to her.

You can deliver a note to her physician stating that she has forbidden you to speak about her condition, and ask what you should do next to keep her safe and as healthy as possible.

Doing that may help you lessen the burden you’ve placed upon yourself.

You can be the best mother TO YOURSELF that anyone has ever had. And the BEST FRIEND. Do some thinking about what you, being your own mother, want to change. Then change ONE LITTLE THING.

DO ONE LITTLE THING to change where you are now. For yourself. Because you deserve it.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 25, 2020
Lovely answer.
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Wow, this is so sad. Yeah, we long for love but if a person isn’t capable of loving or understanding any of what you are talking about, then sooner or later, you must let go and accept that it is on them. We can’t force anyone to love, anyone to be understanding, anyone to do anything. It’s sad but true.

I agree with Ann. Love yourself. You matter. Give up on them. Stop wasting your time. They most likely won’t change but you can. You can move forward.

Best wishes to you.
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