Anyone experience an Alz parent shadowing the other parent who is more frail and ALSO has dementia?

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We care for my ILs in our home and have for years. Dad has Alz, Mom vascular dementia. He has shadowed my husband and I for months at a time. In the last year, he has really clamped down on my MIL. As he feels out of control, he tries to control her more. He has always been very controlling in general, and she is quite passive. We have been concerned because he hinders her care (walks ahead of her walker while he should have his own, gets between her and the nurse - we just brought in help a few weeks ago, as he has been escalating - or us, doesn’t let her talk to people, etc.) The last few weeks/months have been absolutely exhausting. We have to battle him on everything and because there are two of them - and neither of them has a good grasp of reality - it seems as though we are in bizarro world most of the time. We waited far to long to come to the conclusion that they need more than we can provide and frankly, it is only because of the wisdom oof many on this forum that my husband and I have been able to push back on family members and others who want to sacrifice our lives and the lives of our kids on the altar of their parents’ old age, lol. We just found out that facility we thought they would go to, if and when the time came, will no longer accept him. I have spent days researching, visiting and evaluating facilities in the area. (I have learned the hard way that “memory care” has no real standard definition.) We found a terrific place that actually understands the very nuanced world that is dementia care in the very old. They will be moving soon. However, until then, we need to find a way to handle the disturbing behaviors that come with this stage of shadowing, so to speak. She reaches out for help, but then pays for it later. He gets nasty (not loud and not violent, but very hateful sounding and insulting... or he will withhold love). Because of her dementia, she floats in and out of reciting whatever he tells her is reality (he tries to convince her everyone hates her but him, that she does everything wrong, that we have turned on her.) Then, three minutes later, he will get all lovey dovey and acts as though all he wants is her to be happy. (I know the word acts isn’t entirely appropriate, it is his reality... but it conveys well enough for now:) I have only ever read of shadowing someone stronger or more able. Has anyone else ever seen this? Any tools we can use to get through this in between time before we can move them? I am thinking of calling the Alz Assoc. to see if they have thoughts. Have they been helpful to any of you? Thanks so much!

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And it looks like we may be moving them in the next week or two. If we survive, lol. He told me I was “full of baloney” last night. I have been saying silent thank yous to Dad’s parents. They must have refrained from vulgar language if baloney (along with a very occasional Damn and hell) is the worst thing coming out. Another benefit to Teepa Snow was understanding the inappropriate language thing. She gives a terrific explanation of why that is from a neurological perspective.

Also, he was going to call the police on me because we had the nurse stay:) Luckily one of our best friends is on the force and he and his wife have had a front row seat to our life, so at least dispatch could flag us for no lights and sirens, lol. My dh will be going in to talk to them today.

All we want to do is get to the goal... them safely ensconced in the memory care facility. Then, we can concentrate on healing, building routines that are appropriate to them, and giving Mom an environment where she can blossom. He may never accept being there, but at least they are equipped to deal with these constant attacks.

By the way, even the Teepa materials are only lukewarm effective with him. There is an underlying controlling and manipulative piece to his personality that seems beyond those techniques. That is the piece we are battling the most...

We are so weary, but move in day is light at the end of the tunnel... even if that deserves its own thread, lol.
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JoAnn... yes, he is on meds for anxiety. We have been working with the doctor on that. The room thing has been very complicated. The family consensus has been keep them together as much as possible. Which I would love to do. It breaks the heart to separate them after so many years. But, honestly, I just think it is necessary for her well-being. We are doing the assessment for the care facility shortly. Hopefully, they will see a little more of the reality here. It would help if I was not the only one who thinks they should be separated, lol.

Jj... I have really appreciated the Teepa Snow videos... not just the techniques, but she adds some very much needed levity to a very serious situation. I will be watching more of these today:)

Cwillie, thanks for that feedback. You are right. It has elements of insecurity, but there is a great deal of the manipulation and control. Behind closed doors, he flips back and forth on her so quickly. With us, it’s almost like he is trying to use her as a weapon to get her way. “No one is taking care of her.” “She hates having the nurses here.” Etc. There has been no indication that this is the case, in private or public. She enjoys the company... poor lady, he is no fun right now. It is almost as though he just projects what he is feeling onto her because he thinks we will listen if she is the one that is mad.

The Teepa Snow videos gave me a little insight on the manipulation. We have been baffled that someone so incapable of logical thought can still be so able to manipulate. Her right brain, left brain information was insightful. Especially the creativity part. The manipulation feels like a masterpiece, lol.

Anyway, I appreciate the insights offered... and hope people will keep adding to this thread.
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Gee, I'm not sure I would term what is going on as shadowing, generally I think of that as the need to be physically within sight or reach at all times due to anxiety and insecurity, this sounds much more controlling and manipulative. I think you need to find ways to engage him in activities or projects that separate them from each other, would he be capable of attending adult daycare?
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Google 'Teepa Snow' videos. She has very good ideas on dealing with dementia patients. Also, Naomi Fell has good books on validation communications with dementia patients.
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Ah yes, the "why of the situation?" Unfortunately, we in the "thinking world" want to understand why. We have to remind ourselves that there is no "why" because their brains are no longer capable of rational thought. It just "is."
blessings,
Jamie
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Is he on meds for anxiety? If not maybe he needs something. Definitly will need something when u move him or he may act out. Are they going to be together, sharing a room? If so, may not be good for her. Hope someone else can help. This will bump you up.
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Apparently, I cannot spell today:)

Just an addendum, I do understand the “why” of this situation... what would be especially helpful are boots on the ground tools (specific language that may mollify him, body positioning, if you have had to do a hard line separation, etc.). Thx.
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