We care for my ILs in our home and have for years. Dad has Alz, Mom vascular dementia. He has shadowed my husband and I for months at a time. In the last year, he has really clamped down on my MIL. As he feels out of control, he tries to control her more. He has always been very controlling in general, and she is quite passive. We have been concerned because he hinders her care (walks ahead of her walker while he should have his own, gets between her and the nurse - we just brought in help a few weeks ago, as he has been escalating - or us, doesn’t let her talk to people, etc.) The last few weeks/months have been absolutely exhausting. We have to battle him on everything and because there are two of them - and neither of them has a good grasp of reality - it seems as though we are in bizarro world most of the time. We waited far to long to come to the conclusion that they need more than we can provide and frankly, it is only because of the wisdom oof many on this forum that my husband and I have been able to push back on family members and others who want to sacrifice our lives and the lives of our kids on the altar of their parents’ old age, lol. We just found out that facility we thought they would go to, if and when the time came, will no longer accept him. I have spent days researching, visiting and evaluating facilities in the area. (I have learned the hard way that “memory care” has no real standard definition.) We found a terrific place that actually understands the very nuanced world that is dementia care in the very old. They will be moving soon. However, until then, we need to find a way to handle the disturbing behaviors that come with this stage of shadowing, so to speak. She reaches out for help, but then pays for it later. He gets nasty (not loud and not violent, but very hateful sounding and insulting... or he will withhold love). Because of her dementia, she floats in and out of reciting whatever he tells her is reality (he tries to convince her everyone hates her but him, that she does everything wrong, that we have turned on her.) Then, three minutes later, he will get all lovey dovey and acts as though all he wants is her to be happy. (I know the word acts isn’t entirely appropriate, it is his reality... but it conveys well enough for now:) I have only ever read of shadowing someone stronger or more able. Has anyone else ever seen this? Any tools we can use to get through this in between time before we can move them? I am thinking of calling the Alz Assoc. to see if they have thoughts. Have they been helpful to any of you? Thanks so much!