Anyone experience a parent that gets concerned when you leave them to go out, even if with another family member?

This exact thing happens every time I run off to a nearby quick errand. I have started not announcing my errand when I am leaving. She remains calm and naps most of the time, never looks for me and doesn't panic or continuously inquiry about my return. I just walk out with my family on notice, run out and do my tasks and return with no incidents. She is safety home.

Edited to say my mother said "you haven't *called* me all day.

Surviving: Imho, I understand your dilemma to some extent. I was living with my mother out of state to provide care for her in HER home (long story short - she wouldn't budge). Even if I would dash out to say Panera Bread to get us dinner she was wanting to know what took so long (only less than 45 minutes). She also had zero concept of time when she was placed in the NH (after completing a call to her) - we had finished talking, she would say "You haven't call me all day." Perhaps your mother also has zero concept of time.

You could make a ‘picture’ with your photo face at the top and space for ‘Back 9pm’ underneath. Stand or hang it where she can see. Chalkboard or attached note pad with tear-off pages under the photo. They can just point, instead of repeat repeat repeat.

When you tell her the time you will return she seems not to have a problem with you leaving.
If you go out with friends can you tell her that you will be back by...and give her a time? That way she knows you will return. If you leave and do not say when you will be back maybe she thinks you do not plan on returning and since you are what appears to be her "safe person" she gets nervous/anxious thinking you might not come back.

I have a similar situation with my husband. I am his security so when I need to go shopping or if I meet a friend for lunch, I call him once I have arrived at my destination and before I come home. I purchased a digital clock that shows the day, date, time, morning & afternoon. I write down where I am and what time he can expect me back on a small white board. This has helped tremendously in bringing calm to my husband and allowing me necessary breaks to refresh myself. I find that I can stay out for several hours with ease but he still gets “worried” if I’m gone too long. I try to do small things like a massage or taking a walk. It really helps with caregiver burnout. If I don’t give him these visual cues, he cannot recall the details and his mind anxiety loops. Now, I can go and enjoy “me time” without either of us being unnecessary stressed.

As MCI claimed more of my mother's memory (and she realized she was having more problems), Mom began to rely on me as her "it's okay" monitor or some kind of security blanket. I first noticed it on one of our trips out to a "cousins luncheon" (all the cousins meet for lunch once a month) at a new type of restaurant. Mom looked at me when she ordered and seemed relieved when I nodded at her. Mom began to not want to leave our home without me, yet still loved our trips out. I realized I had in some way become a substitute for Mom's sense of well-being. She was relying on me to compensate for her problems or at least tell her she wasn't having problems. Mom trusted me to "take care" of her; not just physically take care of her (at that point she didn't require much hands-on help) but to make her appear "normal" to others. My presence appeared to relieve her anxiety. Mom retained her ability to read and her base personality, so if I was leaving the house for a while, I could leave a note about when I would be back and how she could contact me and she was fine. I continued to work, leaving Mom at home alone, with security cameras and a panic/help button (niece-in-law lived next door and a neighbor could check on Mom). She did well until a fall limited her mobility and then I needed to be on-site for work we arranged for someone to stay with her. Mom attended Adult Day Care three days a week (for social interaction) and I went with her the first day she attended; she was fine afterward. We were able to work around her need for reassurance. Taking a proactive stance (leaving her the note of where I was and when I would be back) seems to work better than letting her become anxious. Eventually, Mom used an hourglass better than a clock (note would say I will be back before the hourglass runs out).

You should deffiently tell her thst you'll be going out and approximately what time you'll be home, to ease her mind.

Also, if she has dementia, she could not remember and rose's why she keeps asking where you are to your husband and daughters as she doesn't remember what they said.
Juse like a child, let her know that you will check on her and say good night once you get back.

With my mother-in-law, I also have this issue. I leave a note on the counter and beside her chair.
She has a connection with with me that she is worried I won’t be home, ever. Her husband passed two years ago. I feel she is having abandonment problems.
She always is telling me go it’s ok.
her son is with her but she has quite the connection with me so I don’t go out much.

She may be having Sundowner's syndrome. The lengthening shadows and tiredness can cause confusion and/or anxiety. Putting on lots of lights, keeping a consistent routine, and maybe an earlier bedtime may help. If those don't work, talk to her doctor about a mild anti-anxiety medication that whoever is watching her can give when she acts anxious.

When my Mom got to the hospital the "last time," I would try to slip out for just a shower, and she would de-stabilize and the hospital would call me back. Hospital then let me stay & use her shower, etc. Even my brother's presence was no help. We were there 11 days & she got released to the nursing home where she was ONLY happy if I was holding her hand (not just there). But, then I was able to sleep in my own bed. I just decided my weeds would grow & be there the next year. My Momma would NOT be there the next year. That lasted for about 4 months with me at the nursing home every possible second. I am still battling those same weeds, and I lost her 8 years ago (July). Never been sorry of my decsion although my sister was always the Mom's girl & I was the Dad's. You are entitled to your time away unless you think it is the end. They will survive (maybe not as happily, but you will still be there). If you don't take your time, you might not "still be there." Sometimes it does NOT hurt to remind them of that FACT. We often pussy-foot & they don't even realize what they are doing to us. My prayers are with you as I know how difficult it can be. Wish I could do it again.

Thank you to all the responses! All very helpful!

I’m wondering if the time of day is a factor. Evenings can be especially difficult for confusion and forgetfulness.

Have you heard of a Time Timer? It’s a countdown timer that is silent - there’s no loud dinging when time is up. They are commonly used in schools with students for knowing when something is going to happen next. While she gets used to it, your family can keep pointing to the timer every time she asks when you’re going to be back. It’s a great way to visually illustrate how much time is left.

Might be worth a try.

https://www.amazon.com/Time-Timer-Home-MOD-Homeschool/dp/B08K9GFDMP/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=Time+timer&qid=1633025654&sr=8-3

You are leaving your mother in quite capable hands with your husband and girls when you go out, so I honestly wouldn't give it another thought. You more than deserve your time away, and you know that while your moms questions may be annoying to your husband and daughters, she is still fine and being well taken care of, so keep getting out and having fun with family and friends, as taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of your mom.

I would say at Moms age and having a stroke there may be some dementia going on. Neediness is one of the things that go on in Dementia and one thing I could not handle. I always told my Mom I was going away and may call when I got back but never called her while I was gone. This one time she wanted me to call her when I got there. Which I did. I told her when I should be home. The morning after we got home, she called me. I do not get up till 9am. She wanted to come over to visit. This was not a normal thing for Mom. She wasn't someone to just "drop in". I told her I wasn't even up yet so wasn't ready for company. (She knew I was not a morning person) Looking back I still feel bad about that because I realize now she was in the beginning stage of Dementia. She had even told a Church member she couldn't wait until I got home. My mother was not a clingy person. She raised her kids to become independent and having an empty nest never bothered her. You are Moms constant. But that doesn't mean you can't have a life. Don't give up dinner with the girls. You need that time.

I would suggest, if Mom can afford it, an Assisted Living. The earlier you get some one placed the sooner they except it as their home. You daughters are not always going to be around to help. They need lives of there own. And as much as DH is a good patient man, he needs his wife.

This dementia behavior is called "shadowing" and is very common:

https://www.anthemmemorycare.com/blog/what-is-shadowing-can-you-minimize-it