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I have talked to a few of you and long story short my MIL has vascular dementia. I have 3 kids a wonderful hubby. We have a family business and it takes up a lot of husbands, brother in law and FIL time. 3-4 days a week (today being one of them) I'm home with MIL (live right next door) my oldest two are in school til 330 and have 18 month old with me at all times. Its only 11 am and I have already cleaned up yes, coffee, pee and poop out of the floor! I have cried and ready to run away. its very stressful when trying to keep the two separated ( son likes to play but MIL thinks he is trying to hurt/hit her) and when trying to clean her up which I have to do often my son cries because I leave the room for her to hear the instructions I'm giving. If its not quiet its more confusing. I'm stressed to the max. Hubby and FIL are at our business and BIL says he has stuff to do. Well so do I! My house is up side down, I have laundry, dishes, bathrooms All have been neglected this week because of crazy schedule. How much more can a body take. And I'm not sure how much more I can man up and take it. People tell me to tell THEM to help. Its hard when there running a business and BIL has "other" stuff to do. I'm the one in the middle. What's going to happen when I loose it and leave. I hate being that way but I don't know if I can take being ran over much longer. I feel used!

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I was ready to walk out of the house and leave my 2 bedridden parents alone. I was going to pack up, walk to my oldest brother who lives just next door (land given to him by dad and used that land to build a house and a 2 story duplex apartment) and tell him that I quit and you take over. Older sis told me that as my parents' caregiver, by walking away, I would get in trouble for elder abuse / negligence. So, I stayed put and decided that death was the only way out.

Since you cannot get help from the family, then it's time to have a family meeting and discuss hiring a part-time caregiver for one or two days a week so that you can have 'off' days to do your personal stuff. Yes, their business might be struggling, but so are you.

FYI, they ARE using you! You are the FREE babysitter. Therefore, insist on getting days off from caregiving. If they refuse, can you go on strike? So that they all learn what you go through? I'm sorry, but I've read this same scenario over and over on this site. You may want to try hopping around and see what others have done.

One poster finally got fed up after her husband refused to take her seriously. She packed up, took their young son and went back home to her relatives. Hubby got angry, gave her ultimatums, she refused. Then he started begging her to come back, the guilt trips. She refused. After a month without her, hubby, grown up daughter and SIL finally saw what she did for her husband's mother. Both hubby and SIL found an NH (nursing home) for their mother, and she moved back in with hubby.
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I remember your previous post. Nothing is going to change if you don't change it. You can't run away because you have kids but there must be some options that would help you. I think I suggested the last time that you look into hiring a caregiver for your MIL. A few hours a day or a few hours a week. Your husband and your in-laws are doing what they have to do (running their business) and now you have to do what you have to do.

Taking care of kids and taking care of your MIL isn't possible to do all at the same time. Someone is going to get the short end of the stick. Maybe your kids. Definitely you. You need to make a change.

This is a great place to vent and you'll always find support here but how many times can you vent about the same thing and continue to not make any changes to improve your situation? And I agree, you are being used. And taken advantage of. No one....NO ONE....should have an 18-month-old baby on one hip and a MIL with dementia on the other hip. You have to abandon one to care for the other and every day you have to make decisions on who comes first, your baby or your MIL.

And none of what I've written has included anything about how you are managing all of this. Can you really manage all of this? I don't think so. I don't think anyone could or should.

Where is your breaking point? At what point do you have to reach before you make a change?
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Kristi, YOU need to make the change. A good first step would be to call Adult Protective Services, tell them the situation and that your needs to care for your own family make it impossible to care for MIL. Ask that they step in to determine appropriate care for MIL, stressing it is not you.

Another option would be to find a geriatric care manager to conduct a needs based assessment and care necessary for MIL, again stressing it is not YOU! Many families will try to gulf a person into continuing care as happened in Book's caepse. But there are options to protect yourself from being accused of abandonment. If worse comes to worst, you should take her to an emergency room, tell them you will no longer be able to care for her due to your own mental/physical health and leave her there for the professionals to determine proper placement.

You are in the middle of this, gracefully step out and tell his family you will not allow yourself to be taken advantage of any more. If receiving payment for caring for MIL would make a difference, I have a hunch it won't, research cost of home care in your area. Not only have you given up the fun and memories of raising a family for this stress, but also payment for your services. Home care is not cheap by any means, in the area of $20.00/hour most places.

It is up to you to do something. You will not be accused of abuse if you carefully plan your exit and involve the appropriate professionals. Until that happens, get respite. Are your folks in the area? I am sure they would love to have you visit for a week or two. Or get in touch with an old friend. Just get out of there for awhile at the very least. Nothing like wearing the shoe on the other foot to make people realize.
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Kristi, your first duty is to your 18 month old. Where is he while you're bathing MIL? Is he safe? Being watched by someone? Dementia and childcare do not mix well. If he's about to do something unsafe while you're bathing MIL, who are you going to have to allow to get hurt? This is not a choice I'd like to have to make. As noted by all the other posters, YOU are the one who is going to have to change this. Call APS before someone calls the Child Protective services folks on you and your children get taken to foster care. I'm not kidding.
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I feel that way a lot also, do you have an adult daycare in your area? Council On Aging in your area could help you to find respite care.
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Ba8, good point about child welfare. No question what most of us would choose.

Kristi, you need to develop some chutzpah and learn that it is impossible to care for anyone unless you are caring for yourself.
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Contact the center for volunteer care givers, they can help..
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Good advice above - there are many organisations which can point you in the right direction to get more help and support with your MIL. So now for a mischievous suggestion: how about 'twisting your ankle' and going to bed under doctor's orders for a week. The men of your family are doing what men traditionally do: imagine that family stuff is a walk in the park. Seriously: they are busy, true, but the point is that they think they are busy and you are not. Not really busy. Not with anything important. Then something happens that means they have to mind the baby/get the kids to school/look after granny for ONE DAY and their change of attitude is a wonder to behold.

It's a matter of education. They don't understand how much pressure you're under, not because they don't care but because they are clueless. Have fun planning a little lesson for them :)
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ba8alu said what I was thinking. You have (as I see it) 3 challenges. Your health and mental health. The well being of your 18 month old child. The well being of your MIL. It seems that you must make a few decisions. First do what it takes to get yourself healthy so you will be able to be the caregiver for either your child or your MIL. It is possibly only a matter of time before protective services is in the mix for either your child's welfare or MIL's welfare. Or both. It will be easier for everyone if you decide who you are providing with caregiving and get help for the other. STOP. Remember the instructions on the plane: put the oxygen mask on your face first so that you can help those who need it!
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APS will neither help or hurt you. They are useless in getting things done. Ask me how I know. I'm in NY and they basically said you can't make someone do what they don't want to do. In my case, there is abuse and hoarding etc on top of all the 24/7 stress of being the only caregiver. Please know, the person officially responsible is the spouse. Children are next of kin and as far as the law goes, they don't have a legal responsibility to take care of their parents. Let that thought marinate while you imagine being charged with neglect.
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You are going to have to learn the word, "NO!" You are spread way too thin, and you will end up having the disease or heart attack if you do not learn to say no, help yourselves. God helps those who help themselves. Help yourself sister caregiver!
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I know what you are going through I am ready to RUNAWAY also! I to feel used and taken advantage of. Bless your heart! Big XOXO`s and most of all compassion, you are not alone! Ok. Vent here believe me it helps!
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Hire someone to help you! My Dad moved in with us about a year ago and I didn't have any help for the first month and thought I was going to go crazy. Even if its a few hours a day, it will keep you sane. I have someone come to our house 3 days a week for 5 hours/day. It's worth it, and you are worth it!
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The ultimate responsibility of what happens to your mother-in-law is your husband's, because he is her child, not you. There is no law that says you must take care of her. Show your husband this post and tell him you can't take it anymore. If arrangements can't be made for a home health aide, visiting nurse etc. then a nursing home is the only alternative, as much as he may hate the idea. Look into her insurance and see what it will pay for. If MIL can't afford a nursing home, see if she is or will be eligible for medicaid depending on her finances. She may have to "spend down" what money she has or use it for the nursing home until medicaid can take over. If she hasn't much income and no assets, then the nursing home itself can help get her on medicaid, telling your husband which documents they will need and so on. In an untenable situation like this, sometimes you just have to do what's necessary. As others have noted, your first responsibility is to your child -- that's more than enough to handle. So if you can't get help, and I mean aides and nurses, then a nursing home is the only alternative. Many of us here understand what you're going through and we wish you the best of luck.
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Kristi you need to take a stand not only for yourself but for your MIL. If you are overwhelmed then the care is not going to be the best for either your children or MIL, which I'm sure is on your mind. I take care of my 91 yr. old mother. After taking the advice from the others on this site, I got help 3xs a week for 4 hours a day. Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I know are mine to do what I need to do for me and my wonderful hubby. It doesn't sound like much when her care is 24/7, but I can't express the relief those few hours afford me. The one that is going to have to take a stand is you. The men in your life are busy "hunting and gathering". They really don't get it. You'll need to work through the guilt of not being "Superwoman", but in the long run it will benefit both you and your MIL as well as, your children. Sometimes we just have to admit it's time to get help and it is OK. Good luck!
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Think of it as temporary; like a harsh prison sentence and someday you'll get paroled. My my passed away last Thursday after 28 days in Hospice at home. I took full time care of her for a year, and cared for all of her needs for over ten years. I lost personal relationships, familial relationships, a huge chunk of my retirement funds, etc. Find SOMEWAY to get private time for yourself to preserve your sanity. I've never been one to go to group b**ch sessions and preferred the beach, the harbor. Thank GOD for good friends and the few remaining relatives I have left. I lost some relatives asking for help. Psychology tells me their guilt was transferred to me in the form of resentment. Stand up for yourself - I know - easier said than done. Hang in there - someday it will be over. When that day comes do what I did - celebrate!
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I know we need help with her. And it is very hard when she uses the bathroom on herself and I have to find something to occupy my son while I change her. My FIL bathes her. But when he is gone and it was very stressful cleaning up fecal matter off the floor and keeping her and son away from it. I know its hard trying to juggle the two not impossible most of the time but I do have times where I'm pulling my hair out about to cry and MIL is crying for who knows why and son is crying for who knows why. My hubby helps me the most out of his family. BIL doesn't want to be bothered on his day off cause He wants a life when him and his girlfriend are off on the same day. I get that but he don't get that I need help. I never leave them the way I am left. They never have to watch my kids and there mom. Thevdr has asked FIL if he wants in he help and he Does Not. Again why would he with me doing it all. My frustration is with FIL for not wanting help and BIL for not wanting to be bothered on certain days. Stuck between a rock and hard place. Good idea on "twisting my anckle" . lol made me laugh. I do have a bad anckle. May have to play a few days but I know it would fall on hubby and it needs to fall on the other two. Thanks for all the advice!
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krist27, wait a minute here, your father-in-law is able to get up, does some things for his wife, and he goes to work, it should be HIS responsibility to take care of his wife, not you. What if you didn't live right next door but 60 miles down the road?

Plus it sounds like the children [aren't they 8, 5, and 18 months?] are afraid of their grandmother because of her condition.... that's not a good home life for them if they can't act like normal children because grandma might get upset.

As you probably already know, this is going to get worse not better unless something is done for your husband's mother.... isn't it time for her to consider being placed in an assistant/nursing home where she can get professional care... where the staff works in shifts and not have to decide at the last second whether to tend to an 18 month old or an elder patient if both are tugging at your skirt.

If it was me, I would go on semi-strike... dinner wouldn't be on the table [kids can eat cereal for awhile]... laundry wouldn't get done, thus no clean clothes for hubby to wear to work... toys all over the house... leave the poop on the floor as long as the toddler doesn't get into it.... "sorry, dear, your Mom took up my whole day, I am exhausted, I'm going to bed early, here some soap/water please clean the bathroom, and help the kids with their homework, thanks, sweetie."
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Is there high quality day care in your area? I sure hope so. Children's brains are like sponges at this age and both their potential for learning (the number of words they hear, the experiences they have, the environment they are in) and their personalities (their ability to trust their caregivers AND their environment to be non-threatening and reactive in a loving way) are formed by the time they turn 2 years old. I would get that little guy out of the house immediately and into a good day care center; THEN you can spend your days cleaning up MIL. Because BOTH are full time jobs.

Of course FIL says he needs no help; he's got YOU! Until you say "No, I will not sacrifice my child's future on the altar of Grandma's dementia", that will be the equation. Only YOU can stand up for yourself and your child.
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Love your suggestion FF, especially that killer "sweetie"!!! :)
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Have you asked for Hospice care. with your MIL health issues they should be able to help.
actually, from what you described, she needs to be in Assisted Living/Group Home or nursing home.
check it out; for your sake, for your baby and everyone.
going away with your children over a school holiday, no forwarding address or phone... do not answer...
that might work.
you cannot give her the care she needs, and maybe FIL and MIL can live in assisted living together with a caregiver.
please, STOP what you are doing. it will kill you and then your sweet children will not have a mother...
they need their mother.
this is your husband's family and decision to make. they must take the responsibility.
not you.
your responsibility is to take care of your health and your children!
when you are not there, they will have to decide.
you did more than you can do... it is time to stop enabling them to postpone the decision they must make.
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This is for bookluvr...I can't believe your sister had the balls to tell you such a big lie that YOU as the caregiver was responsible and would get into trouble. ALL your siblings were responsible for her care. She out and out used, lied, and manipulated you. I hope you figured that out and passed mama on to her for her turn.

Sonny boy and mama's husband won't do anything as long as you are cleaning up mom's poop. Next time leave it for them to do. Pack up baby and spend your day at the park and enjoying yourself. One day of cleaning up mom's poop and slobber and they'll figure out what to do. It's amazing the way some people abdicate THEIR responsibilities and dump them on everyone else. I told my husband gather all momma's paperwork (5 years bank statements, death certificate of dead spouse, birth certificate, marriage license, medical insurance, income records), took of a day of work, went to social security administration and welfare. Filled out the application for Medicaid (get her assets down to under 3000), slapped her butt into a nursing home. She's not your mother.You are a mother whose priority is your children. Everyone has a job and everyone has responsibility. Hubby and dad need to take some time off and get a taste. Takes turns. Mom will be in a nursing home in no time flat. Don't go for it anymore. You are a kind person to try so much. But you are being taken advantage of and you and your children are suffering. It's amazing how it's always the DIL taking care of mom and dad while sonny boy hides at work. BS I say pure BS. Caregivers rise up band go on strike. Do not take it anymore!!!
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forgot to mention, I know what it is like to clean up poop and urine.
did it for my husband for a long time.
could not walk around the house without looking out for poop and urine.
it was awful. that coupled with dementia, parkinsons, and other things,
finally, I had to place him in assisted living.
after years of care, I cannot do it anymore.
I could never leave him alone at all - always had to have a caregiver with him.
it is not nice needing to plan every time I wanted to go out.
and, lots of times, caregiver did not show... many caregivers, not just one.
and, never could get one for Sundays so I could go to church.
caregivers often DIE, taking care of sick one.
Take care of your children.
she is her family's responsibility...
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Didn't realize your husband's father was alive and in the picture. My dear, women have the vote. It's ridiculous for you to be cleaning up after MIL when you've got children to tend to and what sounds like a capable father-in-law. Caregiving is not just "women's work!" Sit down with family members and make clear how you are feeling and hopefully things will change.
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I'm always AMAZED that so many women look after their husband's parents. And -- with all due respect to the wonderful men who are caring for their wives -- it's usually women, isn't it, who do the majority of the caregiving.

I don't give a hoot that my in-laws are "family". They are, thankfully, healthy. But if they weren't, I would NEVER make it my 24/7 job to change their diaper, feed them, or argue with them about their distorted version of reality. Especially at the expense of my relationship with my own family. I guess your husband's family thinks, "She's already at home with the baby. She can keep an eye on Mom."

You need to put your foot down. No, really. You're not doing your own kids any favours by being so worn down by the MIL. Because the other people in your family behave like ostriches with their head in the sand (yes, your husband is included in this tirade), you'll probably have to look into a couple of options for them: at home care, adult day care or, better yet, a retirement/nursing home. Then, after you've given your husband (and/or the rest of his family) these options, drop the mic. Boom! Out! Seriously. Tell them you've had ENOUGH, and you can't do it for one minute more. The ball will be in their court. Do it.
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Have a family discussion about your MIL and demand they take turns helping or pay for a caregiver several days a week. Your husband should be supporting your decision and realizing the strain it has on you plus not a save enviroment for your 18 month old. Speak up for yourself and don't back down! Your family is your priority, esp. your children. Perhaps she is deteriorated to the point tht she needs a nuring home, have her doctor send someone to evaluate her and then do what she says! You have more responsibility to your children than to her. Stand your ground

Grannynanny!
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Kristi, it really is up to you to act...don't wait for FIL or BIL to see the light - they won't. After all with you on the job they don't have to. You'll have to rescue the situation yourself - your job is your kids - MIL is FIL's responsibility. Yes, hands on responsibility, not executive issuing orders. When he is forced to face up to facts, the problem will get resolved. But the power is in your hands, not FIL's or BIL's, but yours. You can just say NO!
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"Taking care of business" and "working" are code words for avoiding the problem. Don't you DARE let your hubs & FIL off the hook that way. That is helping them avoid their responsibilities, which is nice and convenient. When something inevitably happens to YOU (back injury, nervous breakdown, hospitalization) are Husband & FIL going to keep "going into work"? You have to go into work every day too - it's called child rearing and it is FULL FLIPPING TIME work. I have seen men do this for the 20 years I've been in corporate America and it makes me angry. Why do they get a hall pass because of "business"? It's avoiding a non-preferred activity, assuming that us women-folk don't mind. Well we do.

They have you mistaken for a skilled nurse, housekeeper, personal attendant, medication nurse, activity coordinator, kitchen prep, meal delivery, and housekeeping. These are all full time jobs people get paid for at the NH. And they get to go home at the end of their shift! Where is your relief?

Hubs & FIL don't know what to do or where to start. I'm cynical, so I wouldn't count on them for support, help, guidance, or anything else that will help you out. If they could, they would be doing that already.

YOU have to call in the troops, step out of the way, and stop assigning yourself to these tasks. Oh there's nobody to do it but you? Yes there is. You have to call them. The doctor can write orders for in-home care. The doctor can have a strong talk with dad & hubs that mom needs 24/7 supervision and it can't be you. Call mom's doctor and request a phone call with him/her where you can explain your crisis. Use the word CRISIS.

Call the county agency on aging and say that you are in crisis - this is a real crisis by the way - and say that you can no longer provide care due to exhaustion and your own young children. You need a social worker STAT. Don't talk yourself out of it. Don't talk it down or diminish it. As women we naturally want to look brave, suck it up, and handle everything. Stop doing that or you won't get help.

With dementia, look ahead and plan the next step beyond in-home care. At some point that won't be the right answer any more, and you don't want to wait until the next crisis to start figuring it out. This means touring facilities. FIL & Hubs need to figure out the financials or make you power of attorney to do it. I would refuse to though. This is where they can actually help out - with the money and paperwork.

So many people come here and want change and help but won't get out of the way so it can happen. Things may have to get worse for your MIL before they get better, so STOP running in to rescue. If she stinks, FIL needs to figure out how to get a personal attendant in there to do bathing and hygiene tasks.
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Kristi, show the men folk these comments. Then say, "I'm giving notice".
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Hi Kristi, I feel so bad for you. And I feel so bad for your children. You don't know how long caregiving MIL can last. I sent you a {HUG}. See on the top right corner of the page, click PUBLIC PROFILE.
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