Does anyone else have sibling issues?

Roxanne, I have four siblings. Two have been out of the picture for two years. One is an alcoholic and has issues of his own. The last one visits about once every two months. I get sick of the " I'm busy " excuse, it's the lamest excuse. My mom moved next to me after my father died three years ago because she knew my other siblings were too self absorbed.

kazaa, just remember, you are the one doing all the work as caregiver. They can give you all the suggestions they want but when they all go home, you are the one who will be taking care of all of the details.
When my dad got sick I emailed them all constantly. I wanted them to know what all was involved in taking care of their issues. There are so many details involved in taking care of an elderly parent. Siblings just don't realize all of this.
I've learned that if I know in my heart that I have done the best I can, then I will be happy with myself. Whether it is finding her the best assisted living facility that I can based upon her needs, or taking care of her in my home. That is what I will take to my grave. Whatever my siblings have to say about it all is all based upon their own guilt at not doing their part.

Hi
I can totally relate as I have 2 older brothers who live with my parents. I can count on my older bro and not my younger one. Anytime my parents need help in any way my second bro act ignorant and care two hoots. I use to fight a lot with him as my dad sacrificed a lot of money to educate him . But today the only thing he does is stay at home and behave like a tenant and only pay for the house installment shared by my other older bro. When my mother had health issues ie Alzheimer's it was me who did everything for her and till today it's only me and my dad who really takes care of her needs. I can understand your pain. It's bad enough we are going thru a lot of pain, mental torture taking care of of sick parents but to not have any kind of support from siblings is even worse. It's hard I know but the only advise I can give you is pray to GOD for strength if all else fails. I stopped expecting anything from my siblings for a while now and to be honest it works better the moment you stop expecting. First step , slowly learn to accept you can't change your siblings behavior . Secondly do what you can in your own means and don't push it too much and be hard on yourself. I learnt all this in a very hard and painful way when my health took a bad turn last year. I learnt I need to live for my own family as I have 2 kids and a husband who needs me as well. We need to be there for them as well. We can't torture ourselves and think we can change them . Just slowly try to let go and stay away from them to keep your sanity else it's going to destroy your health and mind.

My brother calls mom a few times a year, her birthday, mother's day, Xmas, thanksgiving... He is her hero, my life has been on hold for over ten years, no job, no relationships, she gets upset if i go to the store. I moved out of her house and back into mine, just couldn't take it 24/7. When my only sibling calls, he just speaks to mom, think that she is manipulating the whole thing. Would like him to take more interest in her, she is 88, blind, essentially deaf and in great health.

jaks258 pretty common occurence here! Yes I get really annoyed when my sister calls and asks to speak to mum? NEVER once does she ask about me how am I doing? Lucky my brother rings almost every night and first thing "how are you coping" they both live abroad. Looking at these posts has made it even more clear to me now that my mum moves with me my house my rules or she goes into a NH i hate the town she lives in and need to think about my own future I am currently living in her house and she can no longer be left alone here a brother down the road who although does the odd repair dosnt spend TIME with her so she really only has me to look after her. My family are coming home next week to discuss mums future as we just got the diagnosis 2wks ago she has dementia and diabetes. One good thing about mum moving with me to a place where i want to be is that I have more control over who comes to visit! I am only taking mum with me until I get her name down for a NH which could take awhile so at least I know its not longterm. I understand why you moved out me id no choice here i had a bad accident and had to live with mum but have been here 4yrs now and enough is enough like you no friends,or social life ive realised lately that this could be the start of my decline give up more of my life to look after mum OR mum moves with me temporarily and then goes to a NH near me where I can be her daughter again and visit her everyday bring her shopping and out for dinner which is what my sister has done for years shes never been part of her CARE when my sis comes to visit(she also lives abroad) she says im here to relax!!!!!!!!! yep makes your blood BOIL!
Im looking forward to having more control so when mum and I move into my house when sis visits I will not be there and she will see for the first time just how hard this is! cant wait!
Hugs to you its so hard when youre on your own but one day we will have peace just hang on to that! 10yrs is a long time to have your life on hold please try and get doing more things for yourself because when this is over its all about you and your life this is what keeps me going that one day I will have peace and wake to look after ME and noone else!
Like your mum my brother and sister are the golden ones they can do no wrong sometimes ive been driven mad thinking she MUST know they dont spend time with her she MUST realise that I am here caring for her? I think deep down they manipulate us because we have a heart and they play on that!

I'm lucky. My brother is a sweetie. We cooperate on all the things having to do with our mother's care (in an assisted living facility). Both of us live long distances from our mother and each other, but we communicate with each other by email and text. Both of us call our mother often and visit her several times a year. But ... except for a single annual family reunion, we visit at separate times, and all communications between my brother and me are "secrets." He keeps a special phone and PO box for our communications (and probably other people's) that his wife doesn't know about. She goes into a rage if she finds out he has talked/texted/emailed to me (maybe to others, too---I don't know). Her own kids have, understandably, skedaddled to the opposite side of the country from their parents. Obviously there are mental health issues involved. I think she thinks that when my mother is gone, she will be able to separate him completely from me and my part of the family. And maybe she will --- I'm afraid the cost of conflict is just too high for my brother. He's a very gentle man. I swear, I've always tried to treat her with respect. I guess this is off topic --- but does anyone have any suggestions? I want a relationship with my brother and his children. The idea of drifting completely apart after our mother is gone fills me with sadness.

Realtime, mental illness is a bitch. Sounds as if you sister in law is not balanced. I hope she gets help and I hope you can continue to talk to your brother. Maybe he can help her in some way.

My husband's sister has problems. Hated me, my girls, my pretty French sister in law. Trouble maker. No one really dealt with her when my husband's mother was alive. No one would talk about the elephant in the room. But when my mother in law died, something happened. She is now nice and trying very, very hard to make amends. I know she is taking some medications and they seem to work. So maybe your sister in law is mentally unbalanced as well. Have you discussed this with your brother? She may just need some medical care and things could be much better.

Real time, I think you should do your best to keep up the relationship with your brother but also realize that he will likely side with his wife when push comes to shove. It makes me sad when families break apart because of a inlaw....my sister married a man that has really changed her. It stinks. Good luck and hang in there. Don't forget to take care of yourself!

Cindy

Thanks, Palmtrees and Cindy -- it helped just to get it off my chest.

You bet! This site is a great place to get things off your chest. In the end, we can only do our best. Leave the rest in the hands of a higher power. Be good to yourself.

Cindy

Yes one of the major problems here is that my brothers wife is a thief and was stealing from me and my mum. And they only live down the road my brother visits mum but shes not allowed anywhere near my mum. everything would have been ok here as my brother and his wife could have stayed here and looked after mum is she was a normal caring person but thats not the case and I dont want her anywhere near my mum. Yep in laws cause so much trouble I was close to my brother before he married her and of course he resents me for his wifes stealing and never beleived it so things are hostile between us. My brother is busy every wkend doing things with his wife but never spends time for mum? ive seen the sad look in her eyes when he tells her that he was such and such a place at weekend would it kill him to take her out even once a week for a nice meal? My other brother says let it go he will regret this when mum dies!