Does anyone else have sibling issues?

I've been on here before venting about my one sister out of 4 siblings who would " help" once and a while. She and I were working part time when my father died 4 years ago. I drove 45 minutes at least once a week to take mom shopping, doctors, banking and whatever she needed to do. This one sister would drive 20 minutes about once every two weeks, then once every three weeks, then once a month. The house next to me went up for sale and I told my mom about it. She said no at first then fell about a week later. She wanted to look at the house. She loved it and bought it. This sister has to drive 45 minutes now and she visits about every two months now. I am just getting over chemo and radiation for breast cancer and even with me being so sick she wouldn't pitch in more. In fact she decided to go to full time work and I know she doesn't need the extra money. She did this in the middle of my chemo. My mom never drove or made friends, she has severe COPD and is on oxygen 24/7. I do everything for her except clean the house and mow the lawn, we hired people for that. I've been putting up with this sister for four years now and have grown to strongly dislike her. I stopped asking for help because all I here is she is busy and that I moved my mom next to me so I have to deal with it. I'm going away for two and a half weeks starting next week and have asked friends to check in on mom. Btw, I am POA and I also make her dinner most nights and go over every evening to give her company for an hour. My sister calls once a week other than that the only person she sees or talks to every week is me. My mother was a good mom and is not demanding. I was hurting myself more by asking for help and when I got nowhere I got upset. I just don't ask anymore.

Why in the world is your brother who lives in Tim Buck To taking care of these issues when your're the one doing all the doing. Get yourself an attorney and get down to some sane business. Your siblings are pretty much out of the picture so why even include them--of course you could always advise them to come to take care of Mom or better yet-----send Mom to them. I'm saying that in half jest. They wouldn't go for either one. You are alone in this except for some interlopers you happen to be related to. Take the bull by the horns and find out what leg you have to stand on legaly. Things will not get better is the only thing I can promise you. They will only get worse---even and especially when Mom passes---That's when all the fighting will start over who gets the estate and on and on it will go. Start documenting what you do when you did it and witnesses who saw you doing ---the doing---. Keep track of what "they" tell you and discussions you have with "them". The most important thing you can do for yourself and Mom-----------GET A LAWYER. There are sites connected with this one that tell you how to go about getting a "lawyer who is expert in elder law."

Thanks! I appreciate your answers and support! I know I'm doing the right things!

Possible compromise: Send an email to say. "There is new medical news about mother. Call if you want more details." You have done the absolute minimum, and left the ball in their court.

If they email, reply only with "call me."

You wish your mother would love and value you. You deserve it, but you won't get it, especially as she gets older and more demented. You need to value yourself, and you need people who will agree with you that you are worthwhile.

Look to your friends, if you have any who haven't abandoned you. Look to your church. If you don't have one, consider choosing one, because it will help you feel how much God loves you. Can you get counselling, from a therapist, a pastor, a support group? Even try Al Anon. The people there learn to be self-loving in spite of the craziness of alcohol, which is a lesson we all need.

You are a good person, even if your family is too messed up to realize it. Come back and vent here whenever you want.

You know, I have, for several years, just e-mailed both my brother and sister and given them both the facts. It would usually meet with either no comment from them or they would share with me what I was doing wrong! So, I have totally back off e-mailing them, as it doesn't seem to matter WHAT I say!

Now my mom has another medical problem and wants me to contact both of them with information. I'm not willing to do so, as neither one seems willing to work with me and support all that I have done! So, talking with my mom tonite, I said I would communicate with them only if they would ever call me and find out from me what's going on. She basically tells me that they are much TOO BUSY and don't have time for that. In other words, their lives are important and mine is NOT! I'm now at the point that I don't even want to help her out! I think of all that I've done, and I guess she's not seen how much I've done to help her out. I'm so depressed!

Im just so mad when I see this so often here. POA here in Ireland means that somebody or bodies is assigned to your parents "welfare" thier CARE mental,physical and financial CARE? How can the main caregiver not have POA even jointly?
As SA says no POA NO CARE my mum wants me and another brother POA as we are the ones living here and im the main carer the rest are abroad and only get home 2 times a year.
WHY has your Bro got POA i just dont get it?
My sis rang from abroad last night SHE WANTS POA I told her that I would share POA with anyone in this family but her AND if she manipulates my mum into her even being part of it I will walk away and leave it all to her.
2 months ago she tried to buy this house off my mum for half its value behind our backs KNOWING that my mums house is the only ASSET she has to pay for her future care in a NH??
Blood thicker than water my ASS! I am half dead from trying to protect my mum from a thief of a SIL, a grabby hasnt seen her mum in 2yrs sister,a devious other sister who sobs on phone then tries to SCREW us behind our backs THANKGOD myself and my 2 brothers are so honest or my mum would be in serious trouble we have nothing but her welfare in mind therefore WE get POA!

Hi arizona. You are definitely not alone in your feelings. 2 bros (co-POAs) and 1 sis that has a masters deg, but no common sense, and thinks any mention of $ has to stem from greed. The boyz are POAs and I believe it's just sadly, a generational perspective. I am the bad guy, ingrate, etc for having the nerve to ask for minimal compensation a yr and half ago (I have been her live-in CG for 5 yrs; actually moved from diff state, inititally on family medical leave to 'help' ... again, f-i-v-e yrs ago!). Yeah, and my sibs are 'bark-ers' too. Mom's got a bit of dementia and the sibs all come and go if/when it's convenient. Mom's still great at putting on a show when they're here. She told/tells 'stories' (ie - so and so came to visit, or that she hasn't seen me all day, etc that are totally false), but none of the sibs would ever think to verify the accuracy until maybe this last yr.

I feel your pain. I feel your frustration.

You are certainly not alone with sibling trouble. Vent all you need to. Consider screening the calls from your siblings. If they are basically unreasonable, that might be all you can do.

Assuming that they are just misinformed, and basically well-meaning, can you email them with a detailed explanation of the current situation? Write it out and remove all emotions - just the facts, Ma'am. Offer details from doctor's visits, and suggest they "check up on" you by calling her doctor or other caregivers. Inserting my personal prejudice here: break it up into paragraphs! The white space makes it easier to read.

Tell them you want them to understand the situation because you want Mom to get the best care, and you want family peace for her sake. Lie a little and say that you love them, and want them to know that Mom is getting good care, although she would benefit from visits.

Most people here have discovered that other people don't change. You can give them more facts, and try to get on their good side, but if that doesn't work, most of us have to learn to accept that WE have to be the ones to change. You have a wish to be recognized and respected and loved for all your hard work. You deserve that, but sometimes we don't get what we deserve. I hope you can get that respect from your mother and your friends.

Your siblings feel guilty because you're doing everything, so they're picking on you. That's unfair, very common, and may not ever change. The change you may need to make for your own serenity is to give up your expectations of how they should behave.

Feel free to come back and complain, because it's a painful situation you're in.

We live the closest to my MIL, who is in the NH (thankfully). My husband's siblings talk among themselves and leave us in the dark and then we find out after the fact. They determined that she needed a trust instead of a will and convinced her to name my husband's brother as Trustee (he lives 6 hours away) We weren't aware of how this transpired until we hit a glitch. Because it is a trust, my husband is not able to a signatory on her checking account. My MIL wanted him to do her bills. In discussing this glitch with the siblings it came out that they decided the BIL would be Trustee so my husband "wouldn't be burdened with all the responsibility". It wasn't my MIL decision after all. My husband helps her by writing the checks for her to sign and balancing her checking account. When she is no longer to sign her name we will forward all her mail to the BIL Trustee for him to handle. Thankfully my husband is her DPOA for medical care so his hands aren't tied when it comes to her health care.

Yes, I have tried, but he's......"the guy"....and my mom does what ever he says, but I"M HERE! My sibs do call my mom, but not me and she does NOT get the info correct, so they e-mail me or do nothing, and then blame me. It's s terrible situation! I'm totally frustrated with them.

First of all, why does your brother have POA if he's 10,000 miles away? Get that changed to you! At least the one for healthcare. Yes, we all have sibling issues. My brother lives in another state. I took care of my dad for 9 years until he passed away in 2009. I still have my mom living nearby in independent living (now going on 13 years of caregiving for me) and the only thing I asked my brother to do (after giving him several tasks he could do long-distance that he bombed on) was to call mom once a week on Sunday, so I could take Sunday off. He keeps forgetting. I wanted to throttle him the last time he forgot. He hasn't been to visit in 4 years or so (I can't even remember). He's retired, married with no kids. So you're not alone! But I'm blessed in that my brother isn't barking orders at me. That would really set me off!